Kaleidoskop Fiksi

Buat penutupan taon 2010.

Lagi pengen nginget2 perjalanan gue membaca novel. Kadang gue amazed ama ingetan gue waktu gue masih kecil. Karena sampe gue udah bangkotan kayak sekarang, gue masih inget judul novel Lima Sekawan yang gue baca pertama kali waktu gue kelas III SD. Judulnya: Misteri Harta Warisan. Gue inget itu buku sampulnya warna ungu (what a coincidence, I’m a purple lover), gue minjem dari temen gue yang juga tergila-gila sama cerita misteri. Akhirnya gue dan temen gue itu bikin geng yang kita namain Lima Sekawan. Tapi sayang kurang Dick ama Timmy. Kayaknya sih sebenernya si Timmy ada, karena temen gue yang minjemin buku Lima Sekawan itu setau gue punya anjing. Cuma jaman dulu, pulang sekolah ngga ada istilah kelayapan ke rumah temen, in such a young age. So, keberadaan Timmy Cuma samar-samar alias ngga jelas buat gue.

Sejak Misteri Harta Warisan, gue jadi keranjingan novel-novel sejenis gitu. Akhirnya berlanjut sama seri Lima Sekawan laen, mulai dari versi penerusnya Enid Blyton, versi aslinya Enid Blyton yang ternyata lebih down to earth dibanding versi penerusnya, sampe ke seri-seri lain karyanya doi. Ada Pasukan Mau Tahu, seri petualangan yang melibatkan 4 orang anak dan 1 ekor burung kakaktua, seri Malory Towers, Empat Siaga.

Sekitar kelas 4 or 5 SD, gue mulai penasaran sama novel-novel Agatha Christie yang sering banget dipelototin cici gue yang maniak novel. Hampir tiap hari dia baringan di atas tempat tidur sambil baca. Bikin gue sebel karena sementara gue bosen ngga ada yang ngajak maen, dia malah seru sendiri ama bukunya yang sampul and judulnya very very intriguing. Mrs. Mc Ginty Sudah Mati. Gitu judulnya. Terus gue nanya ama cici gue, emangnya itu novel-novel Agatha Christie cerita setan ya? Kata cici gue bukan, cerita pembunuhan. Dan dengan bolotnya gue nanya lagi, kenapa juga pembunuhan kok ceritanya ribet banget sampe novelnya setebel-tebel gitu. Pembunuhan ya simple aja kan, ada pembunuhnya, terus ada yang mati, abis itu yang membunuh ditangkep polisi. Jawaban cici gue lebih simple lagi. Yah, pembunuhnya kan akan bikin sedemikian rupa supaya ngga ketauan. Hmm... akhirnya mulailah gue merambah dunia misteri yang lebih pelik garapan the Queen of Crimes. Tiap kali gue nyampe di halaman terakhir, gue cuma bisa terbengong-bengong, sambil ngomel-ngomel sewot, kok bisa-bisanya gue kaga nebak siapa pembunuhnya. Setelah beberapa buku, gue kira gue mulai ngerti pola pikirnya Ms Christie. But no. Never! Aaaaaaaa... Gue ngga pernah berhasil nebak pembunuhnya. Rasa kagum itu pun tumbuh terhadap sang maestro pengarang cerita kriminil itu. Kok bisa sih??? Sekitar 30 novelnya Agatha Christie gue embat. Pembunuhan ABC, Misteri Karibia, Pembunuhan di Mesopotamia, Pembunuhan di Sungai Nil, Mereka Datang ke Bagdad, Tragedi Tiga Babak, Misteri Tujuh Lonceng, A Pocket Full of Rye, Pembunuhan atas Roger Ackroyd, Pembunuhan di Pondokan Mahasiswa, Gajah Selalu Ingat, Death Comes as the End. And masih banyak lagi yang gue ngga inget lagi judulnya.

Novel Amerika pertama yang gue baca itu adalah seri Trio Detektif karangan Alfred Hitchcock. Misteri Nuri Gagap, Nyanyian Kobra, dan laen-laen. Gue lupa judul-judulnya tapi gue inget nama penerusnya Mr. Hitchcock yang ngelanjutin serial Trio Detective. Hector Sebastian. Tapi gue prefer versi aslinya Hitchcock, entah kenapa, di tangan Hector Sebastian, ada sesuatu yang serasa ilang dari Trio Detective. Greget misterinya mungkin kurang.
Lanjut ke negeri Jerman di mana gue mulai dengan Penujum Buta nya Stefan Wolf. Gengnya terdiri dari 4 anak remaja dan 1 anjing. Ada Sporty, Thomas, Oscar dan Petra. That’s right guys. Novelnya STOP. Novelis kedua yang karyanya paling banyak gue baca setelah Agatha Christie.

Gue kenal Sidney Sheldon awalnya dari miniseri di RCTI yang judulnya If Tommorrow Comes yang dilakonin sama Tom Berenger dan Madolyn Smythe. Dan dari dongengan cici gue (again) tentang the Sands of Time. Novel doi yang gue baca sendiri cuma 1, yang judulnya Konspirasi Hari Kiamat. Kebetulan waktu itu gue lagi keranjingan isu-isu UFO (gubrag). Setelah yang itu, karya2 om Sheldon cuma gue kenal lewat film or cerita orang-orang. Maap, genrenya ngga gitu cocok ama selera gue.

Kemudian datanglah Mary Higgins Clark. Si New Yorker gaek yang satu ini tulisannya sedikit mirip ama Ratu Kriminil gue (tante Christie). Tapi kalo Clark lebih fokus ke thrillernya. Misterinya sendiri ngga nyaingin Christie. Tapi tetep, keren. Genre nya masuk ke gue. Judul novelnya dia selalu diambil dari judul lagu taon 70-an. While You Were Sleeping, You Belong To Me, All Around the Town, Love to Sing Love to Dance, dll.

Pengalaman gue yang paling berkesan sepanjang sejarah pembacaan novel adalah waktu pertama kali gue nyoba baca novelnya Anne Rice, yang judulnya Interview with the Vampire. Waktu itu kayaknya gue kelas II or III SMP. Bukunya minjem dari tempat sewa buku deket kampus cici gue. Terus terang sebenernya gue ngga bisa berenti baca tu buku. Tapi mungkin saking tajamnya pena Mrs Rice, gue mulai hanyut kebawa emosi waktu Louise si Vampire menggambarkan bagaimana dia melihat matahari terbitnya yang terakhir. Dan waktu gue bangun tidur gue kebayang-bayang ama suramnya cerita Louise, trus gue jd stress. Then I decided to stop reading the book. Years after, waktu filmnya udah dijual bebas di DVD bajakan, baru gue berani nonton tu film, bareng-bareng ama orang serumah. Not that I’m scared of the vampires. But the gloomy feeling I couldn’t handle before. Tapi untungnya nonton itu pengalaman yang jauhhhhh berbeda dengan membaca. Dengan nonton, emosi loe lebih aman. Loe bisa stay di luar, ngga perlu terperosok dalem-dalem.

To be continued...

An Evening before Christmas

Dec 24th 2010

Dearest J,

It’s Ur 2010th anniversary already. Time does fly before we know it. Yeah… U told me about it once in Your book.
Anyway, it’s so splendid down here. With all the Christmas trees, the caroling choirs, the presents and all. It ain’t snowing around here. But I think I can imagine how it feels like, the cold snow in the winter. The warm fireplace…
I’m sure U can see it all. And I hope U’re happy with all the celebration we held for You.
I know, it was kinda different on the day You were born. But hey, remember the brightest star that shone upon Your birthplace? Our glittering trees and lamps can never beat that one for sure. And the troops of angles who were singing in the sky for You? Bet no choir here on Earth can rival their voices. And the three rich gentlemen who’d traveled far just to see You and give You expensive presents. Your folks must have been so delighted by their visit then.

J, I just wanna say thanks. You make everyday a gift for me. Sorry if I get too busy that I ignore You sometimes. It’s not that I forget You or anything. Perhaps I’m just too sure that You never remove me from Your best friends list no matter what. J, it’s just so hard being You. I wish I can cheer You up when You’re troubled. But many times I find myself being cheered by You instead. And I don’t remember when’s the last time I ever help You with anything while You’re never absent when I needed help.

I just want You to know that You are and will always be my best of the best friend. In Your birthday, I wish that all your best friends will love You more. I wish more people become Your best friends. Give my warmest regards to Your wonderful folks. And J, take care of my loved ones at Your house right now. How’s the party goin’ on up there? Just as splendid I’m sure.

Happy Birthday J. You rock my world.


Love forever,
Me.

Last Breath

Jesus came to me
and He whispered
So that I would not be afraid
He told me that once, He also died.

Dreaming My Dreams

What I’m going to write here just about now, are my dreams. The dreams that sneak into my mind in each waking moment. They are alive, I can feel them running through my veins. I didn’t know how to communicate them, and sometimes it’s just hard to answer their callings, as well as to discover the very spot from where they come.

Let me start now with the utmost one. The one that urges my fingers from time to time, to dance and write. Just about anything that my heart desires. And through those my writings, I would take many people to a solemn reflection of human life. To deeper thoughts about The Truth. And not to some extravagant lies which have driven the world to just the very wrong ideas.

And then I’m gonna see the beautiful creations of The Almighty. The mountains and the valleys. The oceans and the steppes. The desert and the rain forests. I will breathe and be mesmerized by His grace and majesty. And then I will write it down, share it to the others, who wish to taste the master piece of the universe.

I dream of living a peaceful life. To embrace every member of the loved ones. Thus inspire them, like my Very Best Friend has inspired me. I don’t desire being a star who live each day under the spotlight. I just want to be an inspiration, like the cool wind breeze that soothes the raging heat far, far away. Unseen, but felt.

Home… will be where my heart is. It will be built out of modesty, simplicity, and warmth, on a very strong foundation. And of course, I will have my Very Best Friend there, to dine with me and to fill my cup everyday. So I will not be thirsty. Let the world be busy with its chores, the competition, the trades and all, as I watch everything revolves around its course, from my very own home, there, where I will make use of my hands, my mind and all other gifts granted upon me.

Oh dear… it’s still too raw and abstract. But it’s my heart that whispers. And I just can’t stop my fingers from dancing.

Work Spell

Apa yang aku kerjakan
Adalah bukan semata-mata kewajiban
Atau mainan untuk memberi makan egoku
Bukan sarana untuk menghamba pada dunia
Yang tidak kenal inti kebenaran dari semuanya

Apa yang aku kerjakan
Adalah hadiah dari Dia Sang Empunya
Untuk menempaku dalam kedisiplinan
Untuk belajar setia pada hal-hal kecil
Sebelum Dia menuntunku ke padang yang terjanji

Maka pergilah rasa iri dan dengki
Tinggalkan aku dalam damai Nya
Beri aku ruang ‘tuk mengerjakan
Apa yang menjadi porsiku
Apa yang dirancangkan untukku
Demi Dia… yang mengasihiku.

Superstition

Is illogical, preposterous, and doesn't make any sense.
It is the greatest barrier between the truth and one's mind.
It leads nowhere but lies.
It teaches nothing but fear toward nothing
It paralyzes one's ability to reach the unreachable.
It has been worn out, proven ineffective, outdated.
It has nothing to do with success
It has nothing to do with failure as well

The Berieved Author

Biarkan aku berkabung
Menangisi karakter-karakterku
Yang tak lagi bernapas
Mati...
Siapakah gerangan yang membunuh mereka?
Kini mereka lumat, dicerna otak kiri
Yang saban hari mengasah diri
Satu per satu terlupakan dan lenyap
Gugur sebelum akil balik
Tinggal lah frustrasi yang mengepung
Hari demi hari
Malam demi malam
Sampai kering tulang ini
Menyesali kepedihan
Ku tak kuasa menyelamatkan mereka
Tuk yang kesekian kalinya

The 5

5 things that make me wanna outta ‘here’:

1. I don’t feel safe working (far) under a gal who can’t even differentiate ‘Quality Time’ from ‘Quantity Time’.

2. Comfort zone leads me to total boredom and complete useless feeling

3. It sucks working with a bunch of negotiators who talk too much, defend too much and come with so many excuses for the mistakes they do, rather then admitting it and apologize.

4. I know politics are the same everywhere, but one thing is certain: I hate the one practiced ‘here’.

5. Last but not least: I need more money. D’oh!

Once Upon a Time in the Junction

So I guess this is it then
You go left
I go right
We started in the same spot
Now it’s time to split
To expose ourselves
To new challenges and strangers
When we reach the destination
Let us not forget
Where we came from
Where everything was raw
And only hope stood still
And of those stepping stones
That finally led us here
I wish you the best of luck
May our paths cross again

Lost in the Weather

Bolehkah kuminta pada sang empunya cuaca
Pada langit yang tak berbatas
Pada awan yang menudungi daratan

Jadilah begini…
Seperti ketika
Guratan-guratan air menukik tajam
Dari cakrawala luas

Kuingin terus begini
Dicumbu kesejukan
Dibelai sang bayu
Hingga ku terlelap
Dalam dekap mesra semesta

Dear Ganteng

Hiks…
Ilang de…
Si ganteng
Yang duduk di seberang

Why, ganteng?
Kita belom sempet temenan
Padahal kamu keliatan bae
Ngga sombong
Sayang gue malu
Abis kamu keliatan high class
Sedangkan gue cuma middle class

Kadang gue wondering
Apa rasanya jadi kamu
Punya muka ganteng
Bodi keren
Pinter
Dompet tebel (keliatannya)
Suka clubbing
Naek SUV
Liburannya ke Australi
Dilirik tiap cewek

Eniwei,
Semoga sukses di tempat baru
Dan makasih
Udah jadi inspirasi
Buat mata gue yang sering ngantuk

Declaration of Passion

This is my passion
No more pretending
I want nothing else
Positive it is
That is where I’m going
Exactly my destination
Not for the diamonds and pearls
Nor for the followers
Who get lost in the middle every now and then
I can hear its call, loud and clear now
Like the voice of thunder
That shatters the night sky

Me and the E

I’m in the dark. Exactly in the core.
No. Not this time.
I’m gonna have to state a little attitude.
Expect me not to crawl.
Here is where I will stay.
Fetch me not if u desire not.
I’ve been in such horror.
I know I will make an end of it.
By myself.
No errand from you will be necessary.
So this is where I finally stand tall.
And conquer all my demons.
Alone and proud.

Goyah

Ah.. tinggalkan saja diriku
Aku lebih suka begini
Tepekur di sudut kesukaanku
Larut dalam permenunganku
Berdansa dengan imajinasiku
Di situ aku menemukan diriku
Yang terkubur di bawah reruntuhan kulit luar
Yang terlena dalam keheningan

Senyumku itu palsu
Sebab ada selaksa bara
Yang membakar relung-relung hatiku
Yang mencabik-cabik ketentramanku
Ketika kau hadir dalam ombak yang buas
Dan kau tenggelamkan kapalku
Bagai raksasa lapar melahap mangsa

Maka kembalikan lah aku
Ke peraduanku
Ke sudut kesukaanku…

the Affirmation

I’m gonna show the world.
And those who think less of me.
That I’m more than that.
I’m gonna declare the power of the silence,
so all shall see.
Though now I will cry,
I know that all my dreams are indeed within my reach!

Pesan untuk Para Politikus

Ternyata damai itu kadang bisa jadi musuh dalam selimut. Karena baru aja gue sadar, ternyata kalo kerja dengan damai, gue jadi susah maju. Rasanya semua udah baik-baik aja. Apalagi yang mau gue rubah? Adakah yang bisa lebih baik dari suasana sekarang? Yang aman, nyaman, dan damai…

Damai artinya, tidur dengan nyenyak, termasuk di depan monitor komputer kantor.
Damai bikin hati ngga tega mau nunjukin kesalahan yang dibuat sama orang laen, sampe suatu saat gue yang kena dipojokin karena hal itu.
Damai bikin gue mau nerima segala sesuatu apa adanya, meskipun salah kaprah.
Damai ngga ngasih gue motivasi buat menyatakan perang, meskipun terhadap ketidakefektifan, ketidakefisienan dan ketidakjujuran.

Dan waktu kedamaian terusik…
Gue mulai ngerasa emosi. Ada kesel, jengkel, gemes, beteeee. Ngeliat kelakuan orang-orang yang bener banget.
Bener-bener cari muka sama bos. Bener-bener berambisi dapat pengakuan dari orang-orang yang dianggap terpandang, tapi lupa sama kesejahteraan bawahan yang selama ini udah bantuin dia. Bener-bener silau sama kenaikan posisi dan jabatan, sampe harus nurutin semua perkataan bosnya, meskipun harga dirinya dipertaruhkan.

Bener-bener situasi yang memicu emosi. Yang bikin gue pengen banget berubah dari kucing dapur jadi macan kumbang. Bisa pamer taring dan mengaum lebih kencang dari mereka.

Anda pikir cuma anda yang bisa petatang peteteng jadi orang penting di sini?
Anda pikir, karena anda pandai bersilat lidah, kebenaran tidak akan mengungkapkan dirinya?
Anda pikir, anda amat sangat pintar, sehingga tidak ada lagi orang yang menandingi kepintaran anda? Ingat sobat, di atas langit masih ada langit!

Kalo aja emosi ini bisa gue rubah jadi emosi positif yang konstan setiap hari… Mungkin sahabat-sahabat gue yang jujur dan baik hati bisa ikut ngerayain kemenangan.

Lit My Fire

Biarkan aku merenung sejenak. Di tengah-tengah hiruk pikuk kota berdebu. Di sela-sela kesibukan para pengejar karir. Akan kutanyakan pada hatiku, ‘kemanakah engkau melanglang hingga rasanya aku kosong?’
Pikiranku kedinginan ditinggal hati. Kini ia mendekam muram di bawah selimut kemalasan.
Kembalilah hatiku, hangatkan aku.
Seperti sebatang lilin engkau meleleh ‘tuk menerangi ceruk gelap dalam jiwaku.

Aku malu ingat janji-janji lalu. Kini mereka hanya gundukan cerita usang. Jauh tak tergapai. Ingin aku salahkan setiap insan yang melintas di depanku. Agar mereka tahu rasanya jadi aku. Aku cemburu pada burung-burung. Yang melayang bebas di langit, yang berkicau tiap fajar merekah, tak sehari pun kehilangan semangat.

Katakan padaku wahai Sahabat. Ke mana aku harus mencari. Pemantik api untuk lilinku.

Carry My Cross

Di suatu noktah dalam jalinan nafasmu
Akan kau temui sebuah ceritera
Tentang warna dan corak yang melukis engkau
Tentang debu dan tanah yang menyusun rusuk
Misteri dasar yang kau hirup setiap detik
Dari kealpaan hingga nirwana

Di antara kepingan-kepingan hari
kau merenungi suka dan siksa
Ketika pahit membakar kecapan
Saat peluh dan air mata berdendang seirama
Dan kau bersimpuh memeluk luka

Karena bagai buliran intan kau ditempa
Di perut bumi yang bergelora dan penuh bara
Kenanglah Dia yang meniti derita
Melebur ke dasar kegelapan
Dalam nelangsa dan kesendirian
Namun bukan untuk suatu kesia-siaan

Sebab itu usirlah syak karena kelam telah remuk
Sirna tak berjejak
Oleh bara yang tak kan padam
Oleh kesetian yang memenangkan

Precious... Precious Faith

I thank Thee for sending me Thy angels to surround me. To fill my mind with thoughts of light. Whenever I start exploring the dangerous territory, they guard me to come home soundly to Thee. Thy invisible hands have held mine in ways beyond my ability to understand. So narrow, so shallow and useless, my mind is. Merely dust blown and vanished by the slightest wind.

Bring me simpleness. And humbleness. So I can no longer proud. For there's nothing of me to be proud of. For the mind that is proud will claim it's versatility. And tempted to criticize, condemned and judge all else but itself. A simple mind, though, creates a humble heart. Thus Thy wisdom and grace shall pour unto it.

Let me not analyze. When it's about Thee. Let me not question. But believe. I know my faith is given. For my wretched soul can never afford it. Not in eternity. Here, let me learn about Love without condition. Let my heart be broken, in a thousand little pieces. Realizing Thy kindness, deeper than any deepest ocean trench.

Antara kau dan Dia

Ingatlah ini, sayang...
Akan hari ini
Ketika langit tersedu
Ketika aku lenyap dari pandangmu
Dan lenyap dari ingatan orang-orang
Dan hari-hari terus melaju melindas kenangan

Ketika aku kembali ke rahim sang bumi
Seperti debu yang disapu badai
Meninggalkan kesenyapan
Dalam asa yang tak kunjung kau gapai

Ingatlah...
Akan setiap doa yang meluncur
Lewat tetes-tetes air mata
Saat Ia berbisik di telingaku
Memeluk erat jiwaku
Merasakan remuk redam hatiNya

Tersungkurlah dalam keagunganNya
Rasakan tanah yang rebah di bawah kakiNya
Dan biarkan Ia menggapaimu
Meleburmu dalam gemuruh keabadian.

Another Day in the Cubicle

Oh… these numbers…
Such dreary numbers before my drowsy eyes
My passion has been dried out
Nothing is left there to spark the flame
I watch them in dislike
From behind the cage of disillusionment
Of the inability to unite with my true aim

Distraction!
She looks so orange today…
U huh… sweet like the fruit
With tiny colorful buttons in her belly

Back to the bulk of numbers
Hideous numbers
Meaningless of them
Somebody please tell me
Why do I end up here?

Can’t you do something to deliver me from these numbers?
‘Coz they’re dragging me down
From someone to no one
From something to nothing
What I need are words
Them, and more of them!

Insomnia

Malam kian larut dalam hening dan kegelapan
Dan aku terbaring tanpa suara
Menatap kisi-kisi jendela yang dilalui cercah-cercah cahaya temaram
Berpikir dan mengingat hari-hari yang beku dalam waktu lampau

Jalanan panjang berdebu itu
Di bawah langit kelam tak berbintang
Yang setiap hari kutelusuri
Sambil membiarkan anganku mengembara bersama angin
Bertanya-tanya, akan seperti apakah masa yang menunggu di depanku?
Mampukan menjalaninya?
Kutundukkan lagi kepalaku menatap aspal jalanan
Yang kering dan hangat terbakar matahari tadi siang

Ah... Aku ingat rumah-rumah itu
Yang berjejer di sisi jalanan
Lampu-lampunya menyala di dalam
Dan aku kenal beberapa penghuninya
Tetangga-tetanggaku terdahulu
Mereka yang belajar bersamaku dan saudari-saudariku
Ada damai dan sukacita menyelimuti perasaanku...
Sudah berapa lamakah?
Rasanya seperti kehidupanku yang lain sebelum yang sekarang
Ingin kugapai masa-masa itu
Menyentuhnya dan merasakannya sekali lagi

Oh, tapi pagi sudah menjelang
Sebaiknya kubiarkan diriku terlelap
Meski sekejap saja...

Before February Ends

So before February ends...
Thank God for the sunset
It’s been a hot long day

Just finished a book
With a red cover
About a hero
Who fell in love with another hero
About the hearts that long for peace
Guess they just lived in a wrong place
At the wrong time...

I was breathless
While reading the last sentence
Sure will leave a mark...

Went upstairs and downstairs
Killing the time...
Fried some vegies in sweat
Walked around
‘Till it was dawn
And the sun rested to the other half of the earth

My Beloved Blank Pages

Oh how I miss my blank pages
And the story my mind creates
Out of scratch

Where I can escape
To any places I wanna go
Become any one
I wanna be

I just want more...
To feel all scenes intertwine
inside my brain cells
Down to my fingers
Up to the blank pages
That I miss so much...

Soul Mate

If only I could make u understand
My journey of finding the right love
You see…
It is not uncomplicated

I was searching and searching
Met the wrong ones every now and then
Fell down under and shed the bitterest tears

But you are right
What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger

My broken heart had taught me precious lessons
And so I learned
That there are the ones we love
But don’t love us at all in return
And there are those who are fond of us
But don’t love us with their soul

That’s why I kept looking
For the truest one
The one that will not be washed away by rain
Nor by the wind
The one that is safe for my heart
And whose loyalty is not questionable
Therefore I can concentrate
In living my life with the Lord
For I know for sure its presence will remain until the end

I’ve paid a high price for what it’s worth.

So it’s not the casual one dear…
‘Coz love in the surface will be worn out once the wave comes
For it possess no strong roots
Seek for the simplest one
Sense it with your spirit
And listen to its silent call when it finds you.

Jealousy

Don’t miss me ‘coz I don’t miss you
Don’t recall me ‘coz I’m doing great forgetting you
Don’t expect me to write to you ‘coz I don’t wanna waste my time
Don’t count my opinions ‘coz I don’t care if you don’t care
Don’t ask me why ‘coz I don’t know the answer
Don’t feel bad for my disagreement ‘coz I’m not the fate maker
You’ve made your decision
Now live it
And leave me with my own discontentment
I’m not like the rest
Nor like the one who share the same blood with me
So don’t try to understand me
‘Coz there are times when I also struggle to understand myself

Lamunan Hujan

It’s been rainin’ all day.
I like it when it rains
The smell of the soil
The water drips
And the grey clouds above my head
Everything seems moving in slow motion

I love the cool weather when it rains
Cool but warm enough not to shiver
The tropical friendly weather…

I sigh as I pass the old street from yesteryear
It remains unchanged
And I recall the passing years behind me
Each fine memory I keep
With every simple thing
A day can contain

Life’s been good
And time have been helping a lot
Healing the wounds
Teaching me to let go
Of those that must go
Like the rain water
That washes all the heat
The ashes
And the dust
Away…

When I'm a Parent

When I’m a parent, Lord
Do remind me
To love my children unconditionally
Like You have loved me
And never count the hardships
I go through in raising them
For I have the responsibility
To show them that it is Your generous blessings
That have brought them to where they are
Safely and soundly, through me
Lead me, Lord
So I can lead them
To be leaders
To conquer the world
But not before they conquer their greatest enemies
Which are them selves…
Teach me to let go
When it’s time for them to go
‘Cause being the children of the Father
They must answer His calling

And finally, let me be satisfied
By knowing that I have raised them
As people who fear You
Love You
And serve You
With all their hearts and souls

F for Felis

Hey, check this out.
This is just a cool coincidence.
Egyptian cats in Latin is Felis sylvestris catus,
(Pay attention to the ‘Felis’)
Ancient Egypt has always been my fancy since I knew history
And guess what?
Way apart from my Egptian enthusiast side
My baptist name is Felisitas
Nope, I absolutely wasn’t thinkin’ about the cat when choosing the name
The sound of the ‘F’ tickled me, and the patron saint is so heavenly blessed
Meaning is ‘the blissful one’
Is this somekind of a sign?
Well, I’d love to think it is
The good one.

Cheers!

Nite Nite

Aaaa... it's 11.02 already!!
Huhuhuhu... gue msh blom ngantuk
Still wanna write write write
Anything I can write
Some freaky mails to a stranger on the other part of the globe (ha ha!)
My blog, the beautiful sanctuary that saves my ass big time from insanity
My short stories, the project I'm dying to accomplish

And the mood is so good tonight, with the nicest tunes and melodies from my personal collection.

But it's eleven already, and minutes are ticking...
And my back is killing me.
And can u believe it? It’s actually 31 degrees Celsius out there tonight (just an info)

Oh well..
A cup of coffee tomorrow morning is for certain then.

One Two Three

One...
It’s me. Walking the marble floor
With a leather bag and a pair of black, polished shoes
Chit chating about the weather

Two...
That’s me. Aligning the plate,
the spoon and the fork
Cutting the apple into pieces
Washing my clothes

Three...
Is it me?
Someone pushed the button
So it’s probably me,
Creeping under the darkness
And taste my bitter lips
Lookin for a hostage
To be condemned

People Partition

Ada 4 tipe orang diliat dari gaya kerjanya:
1. Orang yang mencintai pekerjaannya dan karena itu selalu antusias, keliatan hepi & bikin org2 sekitar jadi ketularan hepi.

2. Orang yang mencintai pekerjaannya, dan ngerasa dirinya hebat sampe bikin dia jd sombong. Yg begini biasanya disegenin sama orang. Kalo ngga perlu, mending jangan urusan deh sama dia daripada kena dibilang t*l*l.

3. Orang yang ngga mencintai pekerjaannya alias terpaksa, tapi sadar tanggung jawab & kewajiban. Kalo yg ini, bisa bikin org kasian, krn pasti sering tertekan.

4. Orang yang udah ngga mencintai pekerjaannya, ngga sadar tanggung jawab pula *gubrag*

Which one are you?

Political Thoughts

Speaking of politics... Hmm... susah dah kalo udah urusan yang beginian. The big W is for Why? Kenapa... Kenapa rasanya sebel waktu ngeliat orang laen naek pangkat? Kenapa rasanya ngga ada orang yang cocok buat naek pangkat? Bahkan gue juga ngga cocok. Ya iya lah, secara gue emang blom yakin gue niat ditaro di bawah lampu sorot, di panggung di mana gue masih ngerasa saltum alias salah kostum. Dan satu lagi, kenapa waktu pada akhirnya ada orang yang pantes, naek pangkat di depan mata gue, gue tetep aja ngga hepi dan awan mendung langsung ngumpul di atas kepala gue, lengkap sama petir n air hujannya. Pasti perasaan-perasaan sejenis tercampak, minder, kecewa, ngga puas, down, dkk pada nongol ngerubutin gue sampe rasanya sesak napas.

Well, dari 3 pertanyaan di atas, cuma satu sih yang mau g bahas. Yang lain cukup buat jadi bahan renungan aja. Buat pertanyaan nomor 1, kenapa sebel ngeliat org laen naek pangkat? Dia kan sebenernya ngga terlalu pinter. Hah? Dia? Kerjaannya kan ga penting banget! Emang dia udah berapa lama sih kerja di sini? Pasti si bos demen deh ama dia. Ya iya lahhh... secara dia pinter banget CM nya (Cari Muka-red). Analisa pun berlanjut. Kalo dipikir-pikir, emang bener kalo sukses itu didapet bukan sama yang paling pinter, tapi sama yang paling pengen. Meskipun g sering kebawa arus ikut-ikutan jadi Judge Bao, yang menilai orang laen dari kaca mata gue yang subjektif, kadang2 teringat juga sama gue hal-hal positif dari mereka yang g vonis ‘guilty as charged’. Paling enak kalo ngobrol ama temen yang bisa meng-‘amin’ kan semua omongan gue bo. Salah jadi bener, bener jadi salah, ngga ada yang tau. But on the other hand I realize, it’s their right you know, to want to look good before the bos, to aim for career movement, to establish a good reputation throughout the company, to play along in the political strategies required to promote them to higher positions, to wider influence. Gue rasa ngga adil juga kalo mau nge-judge mereka merely as suckers. Selama, apa yang mereka kerjakan, bisa bawa perubahan, yang baik tentunya. Mungkin gue kebetulan belom pernah punya kesempetan buat ngerasain servis mereka yang ok banget. Betapa hidup terasa lebih mudah dengan adanya mereka. Semua urusan beres n I don’t have to worry about a thing.

Anyway, karena gue ngga mau nyerocos ampe besok, intinya sih, buat yang sungguh2 berkarya dan pengen maju ke posisi-posisi atas, do go ahead n don’t mind our cynical and envious thoughts. Believe me, you don’t want to please everybody. But to those who think they can get away with the good reputation and excellent remuneration package without even care to make one damn good change through their works, watch your step, it might be slippery up there. And when u stumble, it’s just gonna be sooo far down...

Goof Morning

I need a meditation. Seriously. The morning just ain’t being friendly with me today. Udah ada firasat bakal sebel pagi2, padahal PMS udah lewat. Jadi g nyeduh kopi dulu n get prepared. Turned on my computer, check my mails, and there it was. NYEBELIN!!! Komentar2 bodoh which got on my nervous. This what freaked me out in the first place. Facing the facts that I’m not that good. I can bear the fact that I’m not good in anything else, but not this one. God… Do You really think this is gonna work? ‘Coz I feel desperate already… In fact, gue ga perlu nunggu komentar dari orang laen sih. I know I SUCK! Yang laen cuma bantuin g buat yakinin itu. And they succeeded. Voila! Here comes the goof.

And the stupid phone call. Errgghh, what is wrong with that cable guy? Guess not his morning either. But what do I care?
And another dumb comment. Oh, this one was really dumb it even made me felt better. Look, honey, if you don’t understand, like, your tiny little grey cells just can’t make it up there, just shut up will ya. It won’t be a discussion. It’s, obviously not for you. So, the hell with it.
Last but not least, have I done something to the gal? Well, she looked like she could use some fake smile or whatever, just to show a bit of sweetness to a colleague, who actually isn’t really crazy about her after all. But hey, I sense that. You have a problem with me? Hope that’s just my overly sensitive feelings.

I’m so tired of suppressing myself. But this is not enough. So, not enough…

To My Sister and Her Friend

I wanna say ‘Yep… I know how u feel’
But on second thought, no I don’t.
I wanna say, ‘Yeah, leave her alone in peace will ya?’
But I know how it must hurt.
So, I guess I’ll just leave ‘em alone
We already have our own struggles.

The Ghouls

There’s a growing distance that keeps haunting me
And it pulls out my energy
Blacken the ceilings and the wall around me
Blocks the light away from my sight
Oh, how I fall, and fall to the ground
And sink down, so down under…

I try to grasp back my sanity
My faith, my soul,
Afraid that they would forsake me,
The ghoul I have become.

With every last breath I possess
Grabbing those pictures from my sinking mind
Of those my fellow ghouls
Who have fallen before I do
But had resurrected somehow
The mourning lady
The boy with his pen in the barn
The bereaved lover who died young
Oh, do remind me.
Of you.

Ugly Duckling

Yep, that’s how I feel right now, like an ugly duckling, stuck in the family of geese. While the rest of the family members are swimming and showing off their beautiful white feathers, I sit in the corner, and wonder why I feel so wrongly dressed.

My mother goose, pretty and kind, never stops believing in me. She taught me how to dance, to swim and be attractive, like my fellow geese are. Life was challenging around the neighborhood, for them. For me? It’s just another day worth passing. I woke up early in the morning, do what I have to do and go home to my corner where all the wrong ideas have dwelled.

At night I think, and think, and think. Is there an alien out there somewhere who can understand what I feel right now. I’m not into dancing. I hate the idea of exhausting myself swimming the great distance, and obviously, I am not attractive. So what is it then? There’s this particular dream that sneaks into my sleep at night. In that dream, I don’t swim and I don’t dance. I float. High above the water. And my neighborhood looks so tiny and of less importance.

Soon enogh, my fellow geese have moved to other parts of the neighborhood, with their spouses. They earn better living; swim wider and more beautiful lakes. With pain, I split and left my neighborhood with a hope to soar, like in my dream.

I’m seeking now, for the aliens who’d teach me how to soar.
And still dreaming…

Hidden Treasure

U know what???
Ngebetein bgt waktu tau kalo kenaikan gaji taon ini ternyata sedikit bgt, jauh dari ekspektasi g. Begitu juga ama bonus yang kecantikan angkanya yg imut2 itu bikin g pengen ngelempar LCD komputer n semua ATK g ke jendela, biar orang2 pada heboh. As if, kalo g marah alias ngamuk, kenaikan gaji n bonus yg udah ditetapin pake memorandum dengan tinta darah para direktur bisa berobah. Oh, come on! For the sake of my future, let the anger just live in my imagination. I mean, apa jadinya kalo LCD g lempar ke jendela, secara jendela di kantor g pasti nempel sama meja pegawai laen, or at least ama MFD yg harganya entah berapa kali gaji gue sebulan. Rasanya pengen tereak “It’s not GODDAMNED fair!!!”, tapi masalahnya g ngga tau mo tereak ke siapa? Bos2 g? Well, spt halnya g, mereka juga cuma pegawai di institusi tak bernyawa ini. Kecuali dalam hal posisi, fasilitas, tanggung jawab n gaji pokok, mereka sama2 ngalamin kenaikan gaji n bonus seiprit juga, meski jelas itungan matematikanya bakal beda hasilnya.

Intinya, yang bikin g paling ngerasa pengen marah adl kenyaataan bhw there’s no damn thing I can do to change this corporate decision about salary increment. Truth does hurt. It’s not the company’s fault. No matter how much I wish I can blame it for this.

Dan sekarang g harus ambil cermin, dan ngaca. Apa selama ini gue udah ngasih yg terbaik dari gue? Kalo emang belom, hak apa yg gue punya buat nge-claim yang terbaik juga buat gue? I know this fact since the pre-historic times, but I guess up to now, I haven’t really succeeded in bringing the best of me for me.

What am I waiting for then? Must dig deeper to bring out my own hidden treasure, ‘coz I can merely hope or pray (without being dissapointed if it never happens) that others will give me their treasure... What are u kiddin’ me??

Office Sweet Office

Hari ini satu lagi acara perpisahan buat temen kantor di divisi gue. Ngga sedih sih, secara dia mo pindah ke tempat yg pastinya lebih baik. Bukannya mo bilang tempat yg sekarang ngga baik lho. Anyway, ngeliat beberapa temen-temen yang deket sama dia pada terharu n cedih krn mesti berpisah sama dia, gue baru ngeh kalo ternyata tanpa sadar kita udah attached satu sama laen. I may not share the same blue feeling like them because I work in a different team and sit a bit far away from her. G cuma lagi ngebayangin, gmn nanti kalo salah satu dr temen deket g di ktr yg mo resign. Misalnya temen ngocol g tiap hari, or temen satu team g. Hmm... I must end up crying a river.

So far, terus terang g enjoy nangkring di kantor 9 jam sehari. Reasons? Well, kursi gue lumayan enak didudukin, ngga bikin pinggang mo putus. Layar kompi g juga boleh dibilang keren, LCD. AC nya adem, meskipun kadang dinginnya kelewatan. Kadang g masih suka amazed ngeliatin pemandangan sky scrappers dari jendela gedung kantor g (maklum dulu2 kerjanya di kampung). Bos g, boleh dibilang bos impian, meskipun blom sampe level too good to be true. Enak diajak kerja, enak diajak temenan. Temen-temen kantor g, mantep. Nano-nano, banyak macemnya. Dari yang culun ampe yang keren. Biar sesekali bikin gondok or keki, but they make my days, big time. Dengan kegokilan mereka, selera humor yg seger, n gaya mereka yang apa adanya, ga pake maksa or jaim. I just feel like home there. Really. So, thank you friends, thank you bos, and thank you office, for making the work bearable and enjoyable each day.

You Can't Reap What You Never Sow

Awas karma!

Gitu kata orang2 buat ngingetin temennya atau sodaranya atau anak-anaknya supaya mereka ngga berbuat sesuatu yang bikin susah orang lain. Supaya di kemudian hari, mereka juga ngga dibuat susah sama orang lain.
Karma itu, kira-kira mirip sama ‘siapa menabur, dia menuai’. Sederhananya, apa yang kita perbuat hari ini nantinya akan kembali lagi ke kita. What goes around comes around, gitu kata lagunya Justin Timberlake.

Intinya sih buat kebaikan, tapi beberapa orang bikin interpretasi liar yang kemudian nyasar alias salah kaprah.
Some people become soooo darn afraid with the side effect of their doings that they always think a thousand times before making a single decision.
Beberapa, ketika dihadapkan pada pilihan yang sulit, akan memutuskan untuk ngga ngambil keputusan apa-apa dan akhirnya cuma jalan di tempat, maju mundur ngga keruan. Takut kalau-kalau pilihannya salah dan nantinya didatangi hantu masa lalu bernama Penyesalan. So there they go, to the land of the indefinite, walking somewhere between ‘to be or not to be’. Mereka jaga jarak yang luar biasa aman dengan kesalahan, even the smallest ones. They laugh at mistakes made by others, blame them for the terrible things that may come as the consequences.

Sayangnya, orang-orang itu lupa kalau lewat kesalahan, datanglah pengalaman-pengalaman berharga yang kadang ngga ternilai harganya. Maka sementara mereka berbangga diri karena ngga pernah bikin salah, yang lain mulai kaya dengan pengalaman berharga after the hard times, repairing all that went wrong.

For these mistakes paranoid, I have one thing to tell you, It is true that you reap what you sow. but I also believe that you cannot reap what you never sow. Gara-gara ngga berani nyoba, jadi miskin pengalaman, gara-gara takut salah, pikiran jadi kerdil dan hidup jadi monoton, kurang arti.

Dear fellows, live your life courageously, and when you do make mistakes, just admit them, then repair it. There you will sow a tremendous, valuable life experience worth the harshness.