Dying Inside

This life is killing me...

No wonder there're no such things as immortals

In My Sober Times

In my sober times, when I think of you…
I wish you were here, telling me what to do
Like you used to
With your wisdom that comes from nowhere
I wish you were here, telling me that I’m okay
That the burden of the world is not mine to carry alone…
But maybe those times…
Are indeed not my sober times
Those times…
Are just the times when illusions take over all of my senses
‘Cause in my really sober times, there is only me and this plain life
And those created to carve wounds to my soul

Water for My Plant

It’s been a while since I re-read my old postings. But this morning’s air felt so heavy in my lungs, and my eyes were making their efforts to stay open (haha…). As usual I arrived quite early at my 1m square cubicle within one of the most expensive rented building in Jakarta.
Not many people around, and I needed some fuel to warm my brain and my spirit that seemed to be dozing off. So I turned on my laptop and keyed in my blog’s address in the explorer. Looking for some sparks, some baits to be caught by my hungry spirit.

And there you were. Unintentionally I caught a glimpse of that comments notification under my old posting. I know I’ve been absent for a while, but I was sure I’ve read all. Curiosity sipped in and it only took me a second to finally click it, trying to find out which old friends of mine have finally stopped by and looked around again.

To my surprise it’s not my old friends. But passers-by who crossed my path by the choice of the universe. And the comments were so generous it killed my drowsiness in an instant (I’m such a pathetic little nerd who’s so thirsty of kind attention).

There was some turbulence during the long pause between my last latest posting and the recent ones. I had to give up my previous job in the previous company where I once set my heart to. The job was new for me. Yet it was an answer to my pursuit. I thought I wanted to be there like forever. I described my relationship to the job like a newly wedded couple. But unfortunately, soon after the festive days, something happened and my marriage must end. All of a sudden it was over. Brokenhearted, I finally parted, leaving what used to be my dreams behind, entering a whole new foreign battle field where I experienced sooooo many emotional struggle. Huge ones. Extreme ones. Preposterous ones. Those I never encountered before. I learned a lot. And I mean A LOT…

So much is going on and need handling all the time. Days pass, and before I realized, I’ve abandoned and nearly forgot that little writer inside me. I thought she has been put to a long sleep in some extreme frozen temperature to be awakened like half a century later. But one day, she woke up, starving. And I began to get used to stuffs, getting used to accepting things, ready to move on.

And so I wrote again. So glad she’s still alive and not temporarily frozen for judgment day.

And your comments, just like one of my mentors said to me, were like open windows that allow me to see the world from a different and beautiful point of view. It gives breath to my soul. Warmth to my heart. And so I’d like to say, thank you for stopping by and leave some life-giving remarks which I cherish so much.

Those Curious Dotted Lines

Forgive my inability to keep my silent. Bukan maksud mau sotoy juga… cuma pengen sharing pemikiran & analisa. Mungkin tidak berdasar karena gw ngga tau harus bersandar atau merujuk ke teori organisasi yang mana. All I know is, something wrong is indeed going on in the organization where the above chart is made as temporary structure for a project. Dan lucunya, ‘sesuatu yang salah’ itu bisa kelihatan pada bagan organisasi yang dirancang ini. For your info, there have been several ‘funny charts’ like this one across the organization. So perhaps, there is indeed the same problem going on across the organization.

You see the part in the red box? Where a number of positions represented as small blue boxes have dotted reporting line to one particular position?
 I’m gonna read it this way: SB is accountable for a job, and reports to BK, but at the same time, SB must also reports to RS. At this point, one problem is encountered: when does SB report to BK and when to RS? Not to mention that it's not supposed to be about the incumbent at all. It's supposed to be solely about the jobs. What needs to be done.
The same thing applies to the rest of the blue boxes having a dotted reporting line.

Let me just jump to the point right now. So… are you smelling it already?
For me, it’s quite apparent that the root cause of this organization is actually DISTRUST.
Kenapa ada distrust?
Karena para manager ngga puas dengan kinerja subordinate nya.
Kenapa kinerja subordinatenya ngga memuaskan?
Karena mereka ngga kompeten.
Kenapa ngga kompeten tapi ada di posisi itu? Right now, I still don’t have an answer to this question. Why are we keep putting the wrong people at the wrong place? And can this be stopped?

Gallup udah punya teori tentang Right Fit. Tapi rupanya belum semua orang (Human Capital khususnya) punya ‘belief’ yang sama. Sebagian masih belum mau move on dari kepercayaan nenek moyang mereka, bahwa ‘kamu pasti bisa kalau kamu mau’.
Gw sadar bahwa berharap seseorang bisa 100% kompeten itu hanya akan membawa setiap manager ke jurang keputusasaan. Nobody is 100% competent. Sama seperti ngga ada manusia yang ngga punya dosa. As simple as that.
Jadi gimana kalo ngga 100% kompeten? Well, kita masih punya 60%, 70% dan 80%. Plus… PASSION and INTEREST!

Ngga ada orang yang selalu benar, atau ngga pernah bikin salah. Yang penting, pada saat dia bikin kesalahan, dia tau emang itu salah, dan belajar ‘yang benernya’.

Karena manusia itu kompleks, kadang ngga segampang itu untuk membuat seseorang mau belajar atau untuk membuat dia sadar kalau dia bikin salah, atau untuk melihat kompetensi dan bakat seseorang. Di situ kita butuh para ‘orang bijak’ yang punya higher understanding yang diperoleh dari: bakat alami, pengalaman hidup, pendidikan dll. Yang cukup paham caranya mengarahkan orang lain untuk belajar dan menjadi lebih kompeten. Yang cocok dan sangat direkomendasikan untuk jadi pimpinan alias leader.

JADI, at the end of the day, it’s the quality of the leaders that matter first. After that, the leaders will seek and develop the competencies, giving their best efforts to put the right person in the right place.

Yeah, well… I know. Easier said than done.
Anyway… it’s just a thought from a mere idealist dreamer who can’t stop thinking that there is such a place called paradise. (nothing to do with religion or faith).

Love You, Hate You...

Aneh, tiba2 gw hepi. Was it the coffee? I don’t think so secara kopinya masih kopi sachet yang sama yang udah indekos di laci meja kantor gw sekitar 3 or 4 minggu. Anything else that I ate? Gw cuma makan oat meal ama kue bekas sembayangan mertua gw. Most likely it’s not because of them.
Jadi apa yg bikin gw mendadak hepi? Padahal kerjaan hari ini banyak, dan mostly ngga menyenangkan. Seputar audit dan audit. Ngga doyan huaaaaaaa….
Well anyway, gw bersyukur banget hari ini energy gw full dan pikiran gw jernih. Bahkan ngga pake ngantuk bo! Bener2 luar biasa alias di luar kebiasaan.
Kata romo, semua yang positif itu asalnya dari Holy Spirit. I believe it. So, I’m grateful for the special gift in this ordinary yet extra ordinary day…
Kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, mungkin selama ini gw emang belom move on. Move on from that very spot, where He had led me to absorb several important things. About wisdom. Humility. Kindness. And temptation…
Rupanya, seperti manusia-manusia lain yang sering gw benci. Gw juga sama aja. Just a selfish egomaniac who’s trapped under the spell of arrogance and self loving. Gw ngerasa pinter, better than people around me. Gw ngerasa superior, different, dan mencari-cari sosok yang mau mengakui keistimewaan gw… Gw sakit hati ketika itu ngga terjadi. Dan gw mulai nempelin berlembar-lembar sticky notes di jidat setiap orang dalam kepala gw. Si A begini, begitu. Si B begini, begitu and so on. I was so burned with hatred and negativity. Hampir tiap minggu migraine pun bertamu ke kepala gw. Kadang mampir di kanan, kadang di kiri. Dan gw nyari aspirin ke mana-mana kaga dapet. Entah stok lagi abis atau emang udah ngga diproduksi lagi, I dunno. Ketika akhirnya muka semua orang ketutupan sticky notes gw, gw mulai mabok sendiri. Mulai disoriented, ngga tau mana lagi yang bener dan mana yang salah. My pursue of perfection turned out to be a pursue of pride.
Pagi ini waktu lagi bengong di bus trans, sambil ngeliatin ruas jalan sudirman yang senantiasa sesak sama mobil, mendadak gw dapet pencerahan. Dapet sesuatu yang positif. Again, kata romo, itu dari Holy Spirit. Pernah juga gw baca buku tentang malaikat, katanya kalo mendadak dapet ide positif, bisa jadi itu malaikat yg lagi ngebisikin kita. These creatures play mind games indeed. Hehe..
The message is this. Mau kayak apa pun orang lain itu, mau suka atau benci sama mereka, itu pilihan gw sendiri. The bible has told me not to hate. So basically gw harus mendisiplinkan pikiran dan hati gw. It’s the balancing mechanism that I need to learn and practice. If I like someone too much, remember that no such thing as perfection. Sebenernya orang itu punya sisi buruk, tapi lucunya… gw bisa menolak untuk focus ke sisi yang itu. Nah…kenapa gw ngga melakukan itu juga buat orang-orang yang gw ngga suka or gw benci? If I hate someone too much, remember that no such thing as perfection, even a perfect ugliness. Orang itu pasti punya sisi baik. Then why do I have to focus on the bad side instead of the good side?
Words of wisdom say, belajarlah dari padi, yang makin berisi makin runduk. Belajarlah dari semut, yang rajin dan ramah. Terus, kenapa ngga belajar dari manusia? Semua manusia, bagaimana pun mereka, lebih berharga dari padi dan semut. Pasti ada sesuatu yang bisa kita pelajari dari mereka sebagai manusia ciptaan Tuhan yang ‘sungguh amat baik’.
Have a blessed weekend :-)