Once When I Was Loved

Listening to the old ballads, I found myself again…

That part of me that is sane, and unbroken…

I had a life once. Before I became the one I am today.

Look… that’s me with the gals, we were single and free.

In our hearts were friendships, and dreams of tomorrow…

It was as simple as struggles among math, chemistry and physics

And a little bit of crush for a boy at a time…

The only desires were holding hands, walking home together, and sitting side by side

But the most important things were quality time with the gals, with whom I felt accepted, and normal.

Medication and Teenage Dirt Bag were the songs. They were our affirmation, that we were alright. That we weren’t freaks. Or unwanted aliens.

Those days… where imagination flourished like tall grass in the deep woods. When the days were long. And the nights were young..

T’was the time, where expectations were great, but not harmful. T’was the moment where I felt good about myself. I knew I was different, but in a good way. I was special.

Make believe is the thing that kept me through my days. It’s so amazing how easy it was to imagine things. To be happy just by imagining happy things…

Ah, those moments… those winning moments…

What have happened in between? It’s so… empty now. Is the sun setting on me already?

Is this as far as I can go?

As if imaginations have run dry. I’ve seen all the facts there is to see… And expectations turn into the devil who haunts my days, relentlessly attempting to snatch my peace of mind…

The happiness of a child… I’d give anything to have it. If only I could turn back time. Or if I could run away from these ugly truth, go back to the fantasies where fairies are real and a prince charming is waiting to take my hand for a happily ever after…

Ten Thousand Reasons

Where have I been?

My source of strength is right here with me all these times

What is it that upsets me?

That I forget to count my abundant blessings

Have I been distracted from my ultimate goal?

That I let the worries of the world haunt my sleeps at night

Oh what a shame, my soul…

You just fell for the umpteenth time

It’s indeed some rocky roads…

Yet worry not my soul

For His arms are never too far to reach you

Just in time…

And so I bend down my knees

To worship His kindness

And for ten thousand reasons He is worthy of

He, who puts His faith in me

Even in my darkest moments

A Priest Walks into a Bar

Lucifer                  : Please tell me you didn't come out here to talk to Him.

Father Frank         : God?  This is as good a spot as any.

Lucifer                  : (laughs) Right. Does He, uh... does He ever talk back?

Father Frank         : I don't need to hear Him to... hear Him. If you know what I mean.

Lucifer                  : Well, yes, He never talks to me, either. Listen, um... sorry about the altar boy. Surely you know you're not to blame. I mean, some people are just... beyond saving.

Father Frank         : That's where you're wrong. There's still hope for him.

Lucifer                  : He shot up your church, he's most likely running a drug ring behind your back, and, oh, yes, killed a man.

Father Frank         : I don't believe that.

Lucifer                  : Look, what if it's true?

Father Frank         : Then he needs me even more.

Lucifer                  : How can you still have faith in this boy?

Father Frank         : God has faith in him. In all of us. Even in our darkest moments.

Lucifer                  : Oh, you really believe that.

Father Frank         : I do. Why don't you?

Lucifer                  : Because He didn't have faith in me.

Father Frank         : I felt that way once, too. But now I know, deep in my heart, God has a plan for me.

Lucifer                  : Oh, His plan for me was quite clear.

Father Frank             : How do you know it's finished?


Taken from Lucifer season 1 episode 9 

Lesson of Sadness

Hari ini gw belajar, bahwa ngga semua seperti yang kita pikir

It’s even totally different at times

Mata manusia itu 90% buta, Cuma bisa liat yang pengen dia liat. Mungkin lebih melek orang buta karena mereka ngga dibikin bias ama penglihatan mereka.

Absence of sight sharpen the other senses

Percayalah, pikiran jelek itu datengnya dari si iblis

Thus positive and kind thoughts come from the Holy Spirit

Tapi pilihannya udah dikasih ke kita…

Kadang yang kita pikir jelek, ngga sejelek yang kita pikir

Vise versa. Yang kita pikir baik, pada akhirnya ngga sebaik yang kita pikir

Manusia itu sama aja di mana-mana. Full of weaknesses, just like me, like you, like them

Cuma kadang2, yang satu seringan keliatan jeleknya daripada bagusnya. Mungkin karena kebetulan dapet exposure nya begitu.

But bottom line, they’re all the same. Merely sinful human beings.

What make a difference are only our choices, our decisions, and to whom we believe in.

The choice to stay true, not to be reactive to everything that’s going on around us

And the decision to put our every problem into the hands of the Lord, instead of act on it by ourselves.

Berbahagialah yang Tidak Melihat Namun Percaya

Karena percaya itu ada di sini (hati)

Dalam roh yang ada di atas badan dan jiwa ini

Dalam keheningan dan kegelapan yang memisahkanku dari semuanya

Dari jalan-jalan bercabang dan berliku

Yang dirancang pikiran-pikiran kecil tapi angkuh

Di sini, dalam pusat keheningan kupejamkan mataku…

Hingga tak lagi memandang

Semua yang hanya ilusi dan tak berarti

Di sini, dalam kegelapan jiwaku yang merana ingin percaya

Bak liang kecil yang ingin memuat seisi samudera

Alangkah mustahil

Alangkah gila…

Kebodohan atau khayalan tak berdasar

Di manakah keteguhan? Saat ilusi tercabik, dan tabir misteri tak terungkap bagi mata

Yang memandang namun tak melihat…

Dan ketika semuanya menjadi tak lagi berarti

Luluh lantak tanpa makna

Hanya satu yang kupinta

Percaya…

Nararya Sangramawijaya

Dan imaji tentang kemegahan serta keelokan mu tak juga murca dalam pikiranku

Seolah dipatri ke dinding-dinding dalam kepalaku, 

Sapak tempuhmu yang penuh liku

Namun tak kunjung padam wibawa dan kearifanmu

Meski tak terpisah samudera, 

Kita terpisah jarak yang hanya cahaya kartika di langit yang mampu menandai

Kalau kubisa… ingin kusebrangi batasan dimensi waktu

'Tuk berjumpa dengan sosokmu

Mendengar sapamu yang hangat 

Bak sinar mentari yang menyembul dari balik Mahameru

Menyimak parasmu yang kerap larut dalam pemikiranmu 

Yang menerawang melampaui langkah-langkah masa

Menyaksikan kegagahan dan keberanianmu 

Membela idealisme negeri yang senantiasa kau dekap dalam relung sanubarimu

Kau, yang telah menjadi penanda kelahiran suatu jaman besar di untaian sejarah di khatulistiwa

Kini membeku di balik puing-puing candi dan arca mu

Seolah kehidupan yang pernah kau sentuh tak pernah menggariskan makna dan arti…

Hanya goresan-goresan buram pada lempeng-lempeng batu dan lembaran serat dedaunan 

Yang menyimpan bukti-bukti kejayaan dan keharuman namamu…

Yang kemudian membuatku bagai tersihir, 

Mencari dan mencari… jejak dan bayanganmu yang tersisa, 

'Tuk kugenggam dan kujadikan prasasti,

Tuk mengingatkanku akan para insan 

Yang dituntun oleh garis takdir 

Menjadi contoh panutan bagi jiwa yang haus, 

Yang merindukan kekalahan para lalim di tangan kebajikan...

Truce

Dear my old enemy,

Dr. Seus said, "sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."
Tonight, this quote reminded me of you. The one I once despiced so much 'till I swore to run away as far as I can once I had my chance.
I had it, and I did run away...

Now I miss the hustle and bustle, the pressure and the burdens you got me into...
That was the moment when I eventually know how far I could be stretched. How the pressure had provoked my potentials into performance.

Thank you old enemy of mine, for giving me the exposures, ones I didn't prefer at first but then enriched my experience and knowledge.

So then, it's a truce?
Yeah. I guess. But I still hope we will never again have any professional relationships.
I'll just treasure you in my memory. God bless you, wherever you are.

Asin

Kata dia: kerja di perusahaan yang pegawainya puluhan ribu itu kayak menggarami laut. Ngga asin-asin...

Kata gue: kerja di perusahaan yang pegawainya seiprit dengan bos kayak dia, sama juga kayak menggarami laut.

Stay

Ah... it's so tempting to walk out, again...

It's awful down here

I was honored when you told me the good news

Felt alive once again

But my friend, I think this is not my time yet

So, hardly must I say

Just leave me here for a while

And let me face my nightmare 

Live to Tell

Ok, impian buat belajar tentang kerjaan yang bunyinya kayak position title gw, sepertinya mesti gw lupain untuk sementara. Gw kaga yakin bos gw tau apa yang harus dia lakukan sebagai Kepala Divisi, atau bahkan sebagai people manager. Setelah kerja bareng dia setengah taon lebih, gw belajar banyakkkk hal, kecuali yg gw sebut di atas:

Satu

Ngga usah kekeuh kalo bos beda keyakinan sama loe. Percuma, kalo loe maksa, yang ada dia jadi sebel ama loe, besok-besok dia ogah ngajak loe diskusi lagi. Belom lagi kalo loe udah kekeuh, salah pula! Kelar lah karir loe. Selama keyakinan dia masih bisa ditolerir (meskipun agak bodoh, kurang efektif dan efisien tapi ngga melibatkan pelanggaran hukum atau hak asasi manusia), ya sudah lah… Tuhan tau loe lebih pinter, ngga usah nyari panggung buat tampil.

Dua

On becoming a good people manager: kenalin kemampuan dan kapasitas anak buah. Orang pinter memang cenderung ngeselin. Entah gayanya yang sok tau, sifatnya yang skeptic, suka melawan dan membangkang, ngga sabaran dll. But you know what? Mereka cuma butuh dimengerti dan diperlakukan dengan jujur. Kalo loe merasa insecure dengan sikap mereka2 ini, mungkin… loe belom siap jadi people manager. Atau, loe mungkin Cuma kurang pinter.

Tiga

On becoming a good people manager no. 2: se-limited apa pun kemampuan anak buah, hargain pendapat dan masukan mereka. Kadang mereka ada benernya, mungkin karena mereka udah sangat terbiasa dengan pekerjaan rutin mereka, ada detil yang mereka tau, yang loe ngga aware. Keep open, ngga usah defensive, after all, you’re the boss.

Empat

Segala sesuatu ada logikanya. Kalo bicara soal kerjaan, sepanjang pengalaman dan pengamatan gw, sebesar apa pun suatu kerjaan, pasti di dalemnya ada detil-detil kecil yang sederhana, yang keliatan remeh. Banyak orang-orang, terutama yang superficial, mengabaikan hal-hal kecil remeh ini, karena dia terpaku sama penampilan luar yang wow keren. Padahal… what makes the difference is… the details! Bayangin kalo loe lagi ngebandingin 2 mobil, dari luar penampakan dan bentuknya sama, keren, sporty. Tapi pas masuk dan bandingin fitur, yg 1 bisa lebih lengkap dibanding yg 1 nya lagi. Mahal dikit beli yang mana?

Lima

Jangan loe pikir orang2 yang kerja di kantor itu selalu sibuk sama pekerjaan. Look at me. Udah beberapa minggu belakangan, kebanyakan waktunya cuma buat chatting di WA sama temen.

Enam

Honesty is the best policy. Ini peribahasa udah lama, tapi akan selamanya relevan. Kalo ngga ngerti, jangan pura-pura ngerti. Nanya. Pepatah lama yang lain kan bilang: malu bertanya, sesat di jalan. Ga usah jaim kalo ngga ngerti, ngga ada orang yang maha tau kok. Sadar kalo kita ngga ngerti adalah langkah pertama menuju ngerti, karena waktu kita sadar kita ngga ngerti, kita akan berusaha untuk cari informasi dan belajar supaya ngerti. Ngerti maksud gw kan? Well, anyway, satu lagi tentang honesty, kalo salah, jangan Cuma bisa ngeles. Cari tau kenapa bisa salah. Cari akar permasalahannya. Explain. Trus perbaiki, supaya di masa depan, kesalahannya ngga terjadi lagi. Ini sikap yang langka banget ditemuin di orang-orang yang lagi diaudit, ngga peduli dia cungpret, atau kepala divisi.  

Last but Not Least

Dalam setiap hal, petik pelajarannya. Kadang situasi ngga seperti yang kita harapkan. But hey, it's life. Shit happens and people are often ridiculous. It's ok, karena justru itu lah life lessons kita. Dealing with shit, di tengah-tengah budaya korup, bebal dan ngga jujur. Tapi apakah kita mau ikutan jd korup, bebal & ngawur? Ngutip kata-katanya Agent John Myers di film Hellboy: What makes a man a man? Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them.

Have a blessed productive day!

Blessing in Disguise

I pissed off tonight, over bad traffic that held my bus from coming. Like usual, I took any transjakarta bus heading west to get to the railway station. Like any other days, I got out from office just a few minutes before 6 PM.  The bus stop was crowded, but it would usually dissolve in about 10 minutes. So I waited anyway. And got myself emotional when not less than 5 busses passed with already packed passengers inside. I decided to get off the bus stop and plan to order a grab bike. I cross that wide arterial road illegally with several women who seemed confuse and desperate to cross that damn road (the pedestrian bridge was closed and cut off several years ago due to some reasons I never know). Arrived at the other side of the road, I saw an empty bluebird parking by the roadside. I hurried there and knocked the window to get a rejection. The driver was taking a rest. Great! So I took out my cell and open the Grab app, thus mistakenly ordered a grab car. Coincidentally the car was stuck in traffic jam so I could cancel without guilt. After that, I ordered the right vehicle, waited several seconds and got myself a bike. Called the driver and found out that he was too far away from my location. Stupid GPS! Made another order, and nada. No bike took my order. Awesome. I was stranded. No bus, no taxi, no bike. I cursed everybody who rided a car in this downtown area as they were the culprit of all this mess. No signs of any public transport available, I walked to the nearest bus stop which is about 1 km away on the other side of the Semanggi interchange. I cursed and swore along the way. I feel like yelling to anyone that passed by. When finally got to the nearest bus stop, the condition looked better. Only a minute or two, a regular bus (Kopaja 19) arrived, with enough room for more passengers. I got on the stifled bus, with sweat dripping from head to waist. I sat next to a mother carrying a toddler. Upset due to the narrow space she left for me to sit. Fine, I thought, she carried a baby. Whatever. The bus roared and roamed the road as I tried to calm down. Saw the numerous car lights and felt my temper rose again. If I had to be stuck in another traffic jam after my struggle… God forbid. But it turned out the road was quite friendly toward the railway station. I opened my wallet to grab some money to pay the bus fare and dropped my debit cards which pissed me off again. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation. I cursed and cursed. I held my money with me and wonder where the hell was the driver’s assistant who would take the passengers’ payment? Fine! If it’s gonna be difficult to pay, I’d just get off the bus without paying.

The railway station was finally approached when the bus took a slight turn to the left side of the road and stopped. The old driver got off from his seat, and headed outside the bus after taking bus fares from several passengers in the front side of the bus, including me. Shoot, I thought, what is this? Shift change or something? Yeah right! Take ur time sir, ours are expendable!  

It turned out that the driver stopped for a while to collect the bus fares. Like I said, no assistant. That old man collected the payment from each passenger from the backside of the bus. When he finally came close to me, I could see his slightly crippled hand holding bank notes. He murmured to a passenger, apologized for his clumsy hands due to light stroke he had. And that was when I notice his torn shirt, his limp steps, crooked body and his white hair. Suddenly, I felt like a fire washed out by heaps of water. 

As the old driver crawled back to his driver seat alone, I felt sadness came over me…

It was one bad night for me. But for the old driver, it was just one of his usual days. Trapped for days and nights behind the hot steering wheel, without air conditioner, assistant, fixed basic salary, nor medical benefits… 

Does he have a family? Where does he live? Does he come home to have dinner? To sleep and relax after an exhausting day? Who took care of him while he was sick? At that age, shouldn’t he stay at home, watch TV and rest while watching over his grandchildren?

And there was I, cursing and swearing just because I had to walk 1 km which is good to burn my calories after eating that birthday cake. Just because I had to be late for dinner for half an hour, while that old driver might have not had any decent meals today.

I complained about the boredom I suffer, while some people might do anything to have what I have right now.

Isn’t it a blessing to use public transport and be among these people? Small, shabby and tired people, with their daily struggles in this cruel world, with their life burdens… the people and the life that God wants to touch until He sent His Son to be among them once…

I’ve been a bitch. I know.

But I feel blessed tonight. And I pray for everyone to be touched by God’s kindness. Especially those who are helpless yet still strive to live a righteous life.