Zero is for Money

Think I will try to write some kind of a diary here. Been a long time since I did that. So here’s an interesting event (if u can call it an event) that happened to me no longer than 3 weeks ago. It’s a reflection actually, that I’d like to share with anyone who wants to know.

There’s this Primadoa fellowship in my office which holds a service every Thursday afternoon. They call many great preachers to speak in the services, each of which I don’t want to miss.

So anyway, in one service, the sermon given was about success. What is the REAL success in the eyes of God? The preacher – who looked remarkably young when I greeted him at the entrance but then I realised that he wasn’t once he stepped up to the podium – quoted a verse from Proverbs 23:4 (Don't wear yourself out trying to get rich. Be wise enough to know when to quit.)

Being a mediocre catholic, I admit that I seldom read the bible. Bible verses are accessed only at mass, as for the rest of the week; the ‘other not so holy’ verses flood my mind. I found myself fascinated by the verse, knowing that such sayings exist in the Holy Scripture. Wow. I said amen to all the preacher said about what success should be in Christians’ lives. 100% agree. I felt as if a fire burned inside my heart. Once again I got my self an affirmation. That it’s not at all about money. There is nothing to envy others for how much they earn. And that I shouldn’t be worried about the constant figure that printed on my bank account statement every month. The figure is NOTHING! It’s what you give to God that matters. It’s how we live our vocations, how we relate intimately with Him, how we go to places He wants us to be. Go there first, and the money will indeed follow. Not for us to be rich, but for us to bless others, cause basically God is the owner of every penny in the world. He has the right to allocate them as He pleases. Bottom line, I had a great joy after the sermon.

And exactly 2 weeks after that, I received my first assessment. Somehow, not deliberately I had a chance to find out someone’s salary. And guess what, I was broken. I have never imagined that she earns that much! Gosh! All this time I thought I earn more than she does. I felt so upset, felt like I have been deceived big time. She was so good at pretending and complaining to be flat broke most of the times, treating others as if they are more fortunate than she is. I was down and began to condemn the company where I work, accusing them guilty for not appreciating me. So much for the fire that burned my heart 2 weeks before.

Only after a day or two, I finally managed to resolve my disappointment. Through my silent prayer, I was reminded of the preacher’s sermon. Once again I recalled the verses, the spirit, the never changing truth, and the lives given to Him totally. Thus I felt like someone really slapped me in the face. Maybe if Simon Peter was present that time, he would have told me, ‘Join the club honey. Been there before.’

What I’m trying to tell here is, beware and keep our prayers at all time, for we must nurture the words of God, not only in our hearts but also in out daily lives, in practices. We are so fragile; we seldom know when the test comes. Therefore we must always relate to Him, let Him guard every feeling and emotion we encounter so we won’t do things outside His will.

The Sightings

I feel sick and excited

Another glimpse just passed my nightmare

Pieces by pieces they revolt

A horror that tortures my nights

She appears again this time

Won’t let me have my peace

With her torn bleeding soul

With the death necklace rounds her gullet

Another pill is lost in a bubble

I try to kill the pain within my head

I wait a while

And kill my ghosts for a start...

And then I see her, one last time

Hair soft like silk beside the coral sea

That’s when I close my eyes

And free my nights.

Nebetta

Goodnight sleepyhead

Sweet dreams and sleep tight

The night’s getting darker

The night’s getting older

Hush, don’t speak no more

Don’t be awaken no more

Let the arms of the invisible

Take you to places

You’ve never been before

Fly away across the universe

Meet your prince of imagination

Drop by at the valley of kings

Spot the treasure of a hundred curses

Tear up a linen dress

And prepare for a party

Of wine and bread

Of crowd and conviviality

Dance from the first tile to the last

Get drunk and be wild

Throwing up ‘till sunlight

O what a wonderful delight.

Obsessed

I gotta forget you…

Coz  I can’t bear thinking of you

You remind me

Of dozens of places

I may never travel

Of heaps of paths

I may never cross

And of hundreds of possibilities

I may never become

You’ve torn my peace

Into pieces…

You’ve awaken the monster inside

That makes me forget

The why-s and the therefore-s

That makes me once again

Feel lost and forsaken

I just had to let you go

Coz sometimes,

The pain of having none

Is nothing compared to

The pain of not having what I desire.

Unsympathetic

Sayang,

Jangan kau matikan lagu cinta itu

Biarkan ia membahana

Mengisi relung-relung hatiku yang kadang lesu

Biarkan ia menggelitik jantungku

Yang berdesir-desir ditiup angin gairah

Aku suka lagu itu sayang,

Jangan kau usir biduan itu

Jangan kau muramkan hariku

Kuingin mendengarnya berdendang

Merasakan jiwaku menari

Mengiringi jutaan nada

Yang berkasihan di pantai melodi

Patah hatimu bukan patah hatiku sayang,

Jangan kau sebar bisa beracunmu

Mencemari langitku yang biru

Jangan kau bunuh puisi cintaku

Yang kau benci sepenuh hati

Karena kasihmu yang tak sampai

The Blue Tunes

Feeling blue...
While listening to those tunes
Each of which carries me
To the core of my consciousness
To the edge of my passion
To the very bottom of my heart

I sense you...
Lingering very near to me
Ah... Just as usual
You take my breathe away

It’s always you...
Who ever really save me
Who mesmerize me
Who inspire me
From nothing to everything

And you’re there
In the core of my consciousness
In the edge of my passion
In the very bottom of my heart

Now and Then

Now and then, the weather just feels so gloomy and cold
And the old song just keeps on playing in my head, reminding me of the past memories that I miss so much
Sometimes, the sadness is nearly unbearable, with every step I make
under the rain that pours down heavily from the sky…
Was restless thinking of the stories I need to carve in my blank life
Was desperate of curiosity,
of hundreds of promises not yet to come
Was eager to leave, to grab the glittering freedom,
to experience all the colors

Every now and then…

Now that I’ve taste all the colors
Falling in and out of my freedom
The fire of the past stings me sometimes
And that’s why I’ll take my pen
And write the sorrows away…

Sayur... sayur

Bosan.
Bosan.
Bosan.
Kenapa gue bosan?
Ngga tau.
Mungkin karena kerjaan gue itu-itu terus.
Mungkin karena ngantuk.
Tapi mungkin karena gue bosan makanya gue ngantuk.
Serba salah.
Libur pengen kerja.
Kerja pengen libur.
Ga pengen ngapa-ngapain.
Tapi enak juga kalo bisa pulang.
Pulang ke rumah impian gue.
Di mana gue bisa selonjor sambil bengong.
Ngga usah ngapa-ngapain.
Ngga perlu sungkan males-malesan kayak Garfield.
Nikmatnya selonjor sambil bengong.
Nyender di sofa empuk.
Baca novel, denger Bruno Mars.
Tidur, mimpi liburan ke Santorini.

Sadistic Movies, Please Go to Hell

Sumpah, gue ngga habis pikir kenapa ada film macem Saw dibuat bersekuel-sekuel. Hiburan sakit. Apa manusia udah segitu stress nya jaman sekarang sampe nyari hiburan dengan nonton film nista kayak gitu? Mau MUNTAH. Gue curiga yang bikin skenario itu film, entah serial killer, orang sinting alias lagi berobat jalan, atau kerasukan iblis jahanam. WTF are in his/ her mind to be able to create such gruesome scenes? Buat gue film itu ngga lebih dari kisah biadab, ngga ada intinya kecuali ngingetin semua orang kalo ternyata, manusia bisa lebih rendah dari binatang. Apa masih perlu diingetin lagi? Apa hidup sehari-hari kurang kejam? Kurang susah? Kurang keji? That you’re willing to watch people get slaughtered like chickens and cows??? Have people lost their heart now?

It’s totally NOT FUNNY at all. Ngga lucu sama sekali. Kalo ada rating minus, gue akan kasih rating minus tidak berhingga buat film itu. Percuma aja buang-buang duit dan kerja susah payah buat produksi tu film, kalo niatnya mau bikin hiburan. Tapi gue ngga bisa komentar kalo orang-orang yang bekerja behind the scene adalah orang-orang yang butuh terapi kejiwaan yang salah satu programnya adalah dengan mengkhayal adegan-adegan sadis tak berperikemanusiaan. But then it makes the therapist the son of a bitch. Sebagai orang yang waras, kok ngga berpikir dua kali untuk nyebarluasin tontonan penuh kekerasan kayak gitu? Apa dia ngga punya anak kecil or keponakan di rumah? Apa dia ngga tahu (yang rasanya sih mustahil), apa yang ditonton anak-anak itu bisa dicontoh sama mereka? Lantas gimana pertanggungjawaban mereka kalau sampai ada anak-anak yang kurang dapet pengawasan trus nonton film-film hina dina menjijikkan dan najis buatan dia itu trus nyontoh?

Look, all I’m trying to say is: sadis ada batasnya. Tapi belakangan ini yang gue liat, produser-produser film sepertinya berlomba-lomba bikin film yang sadis, keji, biadab. Seolah-olah kekerasan sekarang jadi trend. Jadi mode. The more blood, the more applause. Which looks pretty insane to me. Terang aja, seorang gue ngga mungkin menghentikan produksi film-film Saw rendahan itu. Dan emang, gue ngga bisa maksain selera. Tapi buat mereka-mereka, bapak-bapak dan ibu-ibu yang kerja di belakang layar, please, think again before coming up with more horrid, grisly and wicked ideas just to sell your movies. Your minds can be the devil’s workshops.

Going Home with My Cousin

You remind me of my childhood
Chasing chick n fireflies
In the old days
When our limbs were short

Walking up the levee
Counting goat’s droppings
‘Till we reached the river
To catch the rowboat home

And the walk on the farm
Can never forget that
Peeing on the street side
And nibbling the sweet cucumber

But the poor little bird you caught
Owwhh…
I was shaking in sadness
Thought you were some twisted li’l boy

From then on you were away
Busy with your boy things
In your own world I despise

Years pass by
No more fireflies
No more crossing the riverwide

And look at you now
Handsome and all grown up
Do you still remember?
Our crazy adventure
In our little village
Where everything started
And will end eventually

Keep them in our memories
A sweet story I will always miss

Parting Letter

I don’t know what I should think about you now
You had me at hello, really
Your aura filled my days
You’ve opened my door to another world full of hopes
What used to be ruined
Was suddenly healed, repaired
Thought you were an angel without wings

But look at us now
Years passed
And you were drowned under your personal intentions
Looked like u forgot about me
And I felt wasted
More and more each day
Now you’ve lost your aura
No more zest along my days
You’re just a selfish charming prince
But that’s my fault
For letting myself forgotten
For believing in you
And for thinking that you might be
thinking about me

So here I am, on your doorstep
Saying thanks
And goodbye
I’d like to stay actually
But real life is calling
He told me that there’s no such angel