Dying Inside

This life is killing me...

No wonder there're no such things as immortals

In My Sober Times

In my sober times, when I think of you…
I wish you were here, telling me what to do
Like you used to
With your wisdom that comes from nowhere
I wish you were here, telling me that I’m okay
That the burden of the world is not mine to carry alone…
But maybe those times…
Are indeed not my sober times
Those times…
Are just the times when illusions take over all of my senses
‘Cause in my really sober times, there is only me and this plain life
And those created to carve wounds to my soul

Water for My Plant

It’s been a while since I re-read my old postings. But this morning’s air felt so heavy in my lungs, and my eyes were making their efforts to stay open (haha…). As usual I arrived quite early at my 1m square cubicle within one of the most expensive rented building in Jakarta.
Not many people around, and I needed some fuel to warm my brain and my spirit that seemed to be dozing off. So I turned on my laptop and keyed in my blog’s address in the explorer. Looking for some sparks, some baits to be caught by my hungry spirit.

And there you were. Unintentionally I caught a glimpse of that comments notification under my old posting. I know I’ve been absent for a while, but I was sure I’ve read all. Curiosity sipped in and it only took me a second to finally click it, trying to find out which old friends of mine have finally stopped by and looked around again.

To my surprise it’s not my old friends. But passers-by who crossed my path by the choice of the universe. And the comments were so generous it killed my drowsiness in an instant (I’m such a pathetic little nerd who’s so thirsty of kind attention).

There was some turbulence during the long pause between my last latest posting and the recent ones. I had to give up my previous job in the previous company where I once set my heart to. The job was new for me. Yet it was an answer to my pursuit. I thought I wanted to be there like forever. I described my relationship to the job like a newly wedded couple. But unfortunately, soon after the festive days, something happened and my marriage must end. All of a sudden it was over. Brokenhearted, I finally parted, leaving what used to be my dreams behind, entering a whole new foreign battle field where I experienced sooooo many emotional struggle. Huge ones. Extreme ones. Preposterous ones. Those I never encountered before. I learned a lot. And I mean A LOT…

So much is going on and need handling all the time. Days pass, and before I realized, I’ve abandoned and nearly forgot that little writer inside me. I thought she has been put to a long sleep in some extreme frozen temperature to be awakened like half a century later. But one day, she woke up, starving. And I began to get used to stuffs, getting used to accepting things, ready to move on.

And so I wrote again. So glad she’s still alive and not temporarily frozen for judgment day.

And your comments, just like one of my mentors said to me, were like open windows that allow me to see the world from a different and beautiful point of view. It gives breath to my soul. Warmth to my heart. And so I’d like to say, thank you for stopping by and leave some life-giving remarks which I cherish so much.

Those Curious Dotted Lines

Forgive my inability to keep my silent. Bukan maksud mau sotoy juga… cuma pengen sharing pemikiran & analisa. Mungkin tidak berdasar karena gw ngga tau harus bersandar atau merujuk ke teori organisasi yang mana. All I know is, something wrong is indeed going on in the organization where the above chart is made as temporary structure for a project. Dan lucunya, ‘sesuatu yang salah’ itu bisa kelihatan pada bagan organisasi yang dirancang ini. For your info, there have been several ‘funny charts’ like this one across the organization. So perhaps, there is indeed the same problem going on across the organization.

You see the part in the red box? Where a number of positions represented as small blue boxes have dotted reporting line to one particular position?
 I’m gonna read it this way: SB is accountable for a job, and reports to BK, but at the same time, SB must also reports to RS. At this point, one problem is encountered: when does SB report to BK and when to RS? Not to mention that it's not supposed to be about the incumbent at all. It's supposed to be solely about the jobs. What needs to be done.
The same thing applies to the rest of the blue boxes having a dotted reporting line.

Let me just jump to the point right now. So… are you smelling it already?
For me, it’s quite apparent that the root cause of this organization is actually DISTRUST.
Kenapa ada distrust?
Karena para manager ngga puas dengan kinerja subordinate nya.
Kenapa kinerja subordinatenya ngga memuaskan?
Karena mereka ngga kompeten.
Kenapa ngga kompeten tapi ada di posisi itu? Right now, I still don’t have an answer to this question. Why are we keep putting the wrong people at the wrong place? And can this be stopped?

Gallup udah punya teori tentang Right Fit. Tapi rupanya belum semua orang (Human Capital khususnya) punya ‘belief’ yang sama. Sebagian masih belum mau move on dari kepercayaan nenek moyang mereka, bahwa ‘kamu pasti bisa kalau kamu mau’.
Gw sadar bahwa berharap seseorang bisa 100% kompeten itu hanya akan membawa setiap manager ke jurang keputusasaan. Nobody is 100% competent. Sama seperti ngga ada manusia yang ngga punya dosa. As simple as that.
Jadi gimana kalo ngga 100% kompeten? Well, kita masih punya 60%, 70% dan 80%. Plus… PASSION and INTEREST!

Ngga ada orang yang selalu benar, atau ngga pernah bikin salah. Yang penting, pada saat dia bikin kesalahan, dia tau emang itu salah, dan belajar ‘yang benernya’.

Karena manusia itu kompleks, kadang ngga segampang itu untuk membuat seseorang mau belajar atau untuk membuat dia sadar kalau dia bikin salah, atau untuk melihat kompetensi dan bakat seseorang. Di situ kita butuh para ‘orang bijak’ yang punya higher understanding yang diperoleh dari: bakat alami, pengalaman hidup, pendidikan dll. Yang cukup paham caranya mengarahkan orang lain untuk belajar dan menjadi lebih kompeten. Yang cocok dan sangat direkomendasikan untuk jadi pimpinan alias leader.

JADI, at the end of the day, it’s the quality of the leaders that matter first. After that, the leaders will seek and develop the competencies, giving their best efforts to put the right person in the right place.

Yeah, well… I know. Easier said than done.
Anyway… it’s just a thought from a mere idealist dreamer who can’t stop thinking that there is such a place called paradise. (nothing to do with religion or faith).

Love You, Hate You...

Aneh, tiba2 gw hepi. Was it the coffee? I don’t think so secara kopinya masih kopi sachet yang sama yang udah indekos di laci meja kantor gw sekitar 3 or 4 minggu. Anything else that I ate? Gw cuma makan oat meal ama kue bekas sembayangan mertua gw. Most likely it’s not because of them.
Jadi apa yg bikin gw mendadak hepi? Padahal kerjaan hari ini banyak, dan mostly ngga menyenangkan. Seputar audit dan audit. Ngga doyan huaaaaaaa….
Well anyway, gw bersyukur banget hari ini energy gw full dan pikiran gw jernih. Bahkan ngga pake ngantuk bo! Bener2 luar biasa alias di luar kebiasaan.
Kata romo, semua yang positif itu asalnya dari Holy Spirit. I believe it. So, I’m grateful for the special gift in this ordinary yet extra ordinary day…
Kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, mungkin selama ini gw emang belom move on. Move on from that very spot, where He had led me to absorb several important things. About wisdom. Humility. Kindness. And temptation…
Rupanya, seperti manusia-manusia lain yang sering gw benci. Gw juga sama aja. Just a selfish egomaniac who’s trapped under the spell of arrogance and self loving. Gw ngerasa pinter, better than people around me. Gw ngerasa superior, different, dan mencari-cari sosok yang mau mengakui keistimewaan gw… Gw sakit hati ketika itu ngga terjadi. Dan gw mulai nempelin berlembar-lembar sticky notes di jidat setiap orang dalam kepala gw. Si A begini, begitu. Si B begini, begitu and so on. I was so burned with hatred and negativity. Hampir tiap minggu migraine pun bertamu ke kepala gw. Kadang mampir di kanan, kadang di kiri. Dan gw nyari aspirin ke mana-mana kaga dapet. Entah stok lagi abis atau emang udah ngga diproduksi lagi, I dunno. Ketika akhirnya muka semua orang ketutupan sticky notes gw, gw mulai mabok sendiri. Mulai disoriented, ngga tau mana lagi yang bener dan mana yang salah. My pursue of perfection turned out to be a pursue of pride.
Pagi ini waktu lagi bengong di bus trans, sambil ngeliatin ruas jalan sudirman yang senantiasa sesak sama mobil, mendadak gw dapet pencerahan. Dapet sesuatu yang positif. Again, kata romo, itu dari Holy Spirit. Pernah juga gw baca buku tentang malaikat, katanya kalo mendadak dapet ide positif, bisa jadi itu malaikat yg lagi ngebisikin kita. These creatures play mind games indeed. Hehe..
The message is this. Mau kayak apa pun orang lain itu, mau suka atau benci sama mereka, itu pilihan gw sendiri. The bible has told me not to hate. So basically gw harus mendisiplinkan pikiran dan hati gw. It’s the balancing mechanism that I need to learn and practice. If I like someone too much, remember that no such thing as perfection. Sebenernya orang itu punya sisi buruk, tapi lucunya… gw bisa menolak untuk focus ke sisi yang itu. Nah…kenapa gw ngga melakukan itu juga buat orang-orang yang gw ngga suka or gw benci? If I hate someone too much, remember that no such thing as perfection, even a perfect ugliness. Orang itu pasti punya sisi baik. Then why do I have to focus on the bad side instead of the good side?
Words of wisdom say, belajarlah dari padi, yang makin berisi makin runduk. Belajarlah dari semut, yang rajin dan ramah. Terus, kenapa ngga belajar dari manusia? Semua manusia, bagaimana pun mereka, lebih berharga dari padi dan semut. Pasti ada sesuatu yang bisa kita pelajari dari mereka sebagai manusia ciptaan Tuhan yang ‘sungguh amat baik’.
Have a blessed weekend :-)

Note from an Employee

Dear Mr. CEO

How are you sir? Great I hope.

As you already saw in your mail inbox, my name is Widya Novita.

I joined this organization in 2007, thus worked for 6 consecutive years under the finance directorate. My job was MIS staff, a job that suited my educational background and professional experience, but not my passion.

In 2013, I joined the HR Division, still in this organization. And I tell you, it was like finding a neverland I had always imagined, in professional context. The combination of passion and the right people to work with has been a tremendous fuel, generating energy for my work. In a relatively short time I learned all there was to learn. I absorbed the vision. The dream, of an ideal workplace. Implementing theories I didn’t know exist, breaking my old habbit of thinking, and exploring the new exciting world I was in.

This is my last day in this organization. The choice I finally made with deep struggle. I had a dream for this organization. It hurts losing it, but things were different now. I lost those ‘right people to work with’. And now I feel like an uninvited guest in a stranger’s house.

Sir, I’m not gonna spend the whole page telling you about my feelings. I only want to share a piece of my point of view with you. I may not know you personally. I have never worked directly with you. But from what I heard, you are a people person. You care about leadership. And I want to believe that. Soon enough, I’m gonna leave the organization that has taught me so much, and by organization I’m refering to the people. Some of the people are still here. They are dedicated, sincere, passionate and engaged professionals. People that deserve fair acknowledgement from the company and hopefully will continue give their best contribution regardless of the less conducive working environment.

As you already discovered, we have leadership crisis. I believe it’s a problem in almost all organizations. But somehow, I once had this belief, that HR might be able to do something about it. The problem gets complicated when the HR leader doesn’t understand and live its vision and values. Leadership is people issue. HR handles people issues. But what’s gonna happen if HR itself lacks leadership and humanity? It’s really an agony to see good and competent professionals trapped under an incompetent leader.

Speaking of values, leadership etc, it’s not something that can be absorbed only by head. It must be absorbed, especially by heart. We can’t ask people to be a good leader if we don’t give an example. One’s mouth can say a thousand beautiful things, but what matters are only her conduct.

I don’t know if I can leave a valuable legacy for this organization.  I’ve tried hard but I’m not sure the new condition can understand. So this is the least I can do before leaving, that is to share this point of view with you, hoping that you might be able to do something about it.

Yours sincerely,
Widya Novita

2725 SFJ

It's here, finally...
the four-wheel
that once broke my heart

It's not about the car
Or the label it brings along

It's about the stories behind it
The journey
The quest
And finally the fate
that puts me where I am
In the place where I belong...

The Encouraging Failure

The power of curhat emang dahsyat.

It’s Friday night. And it’s not too bad.

Tadi siang gue berhasil tidur pules selama 2 jam. Mimpi ngalor ngidul ngga penting. Bangun dengan perasaan desperate as usual, but I managed to neutralize it.

Sepertinya di hari-hari gue sekarang, siang dan malem ada episodenya sendiri-sendiri. Selama ini yang jadi momok itu sore hari. Ngga tau kenapa kalo sore rasanya gloomy banget. Rasanya hidup gue kosong, ngga berarti. Feeling useless dll...

As if life was moving away as the sun goes down on me.

Padahal... malemnya ada cerita baru. Waktu matahari pergi ninggalin langit jadi gelap, ada bintang dan bulan yang muncul, barengan sama ribuan lampu dari rumah dan gedung-gedung. The background is dark, yes, but the life lingers. It tastes different, but it doesn’t vanish at all.

My sisters and a friend came by this evening. Tadinya ngga niat curhat tapi akhirnya gue selipin juga, di antara jokes and laughter. Dan ternyata gue dapet lebih dari yang gue harap. God... yang kayak gitu yang gue butuh all these times. Comforting words and encouragement. Bukan kisah sukses dan teori-teori yang bikin frustrasi dan bikin gue ngerasa kayak orang gagal. Sendirian.

Bikin gue jadi bertanya-tanya, apakah gue selama ini udah jadi orang yang comforting? Dan bukannya bikin frustrasi. Kadang gue suka banget pamer kisah-kisah sukses gue ke orang. Have I made people frustrated?

Sore ini gue belajar, bahwa kadang kisah gagal itu justru menghibur, dan sebaliknya, kisah sukses itu bikin down.

Dan satu hal lagi, jangan pernah berpikir kalau kita bisa nanggung semuanya sendiri tanpa bantuan orang laen. Tuhan punya alasan kenapa Dia nyiptain manusia sebagai makhluk sosial. Meski dengan level yang berbeda-beda, manusia butuh orang lain, bukan cuma untuk urusan kebutuhan fisik, tapi juga emosional. Terbukti dengan betapa mood gue langsung berubah jadi bagus waktu denger comforting words dari orang-orang deket. As if the tons of burden yang selama ini nindih gue sampe nyaris gepeng, tiba-tiba keangkat, dan menguap jadi asap. Hilang... Just knowing that I’m not the only one who is full of flaws. We are all flawfull. We were loosers at times. We fell and we made lots of mistakes. But the important thing is, we survive anyway. We survive and we share our fail stories to get our loved ones rise again.

Losing my Character

I need to fall in love...

Otherwise you’re nothing 

But a stream of empty words

How can I make me think of you

How can I make you appear in my daydreaming

With that piece of song 

That awakens my imagination

Please tell me who you are

Let yourself appeal to me

And replace the other

That was never intended to linger in my mind

I need to feel the way you feel

And see things the way you do

Thus unroll every scene

As I knit down the whole play

Sepotong Perjalanan

Mau kuapakan bayang ini?

Tentang kamu dan semua yang terhubung denganmu

Ah...

Mengapa kita jatuh cinta

Manusia itu aneh

Akalnya sering tidak bergandengan dengan hatinya

Dan begitu banyak kebetulan-kebetulan

Yang teruntai menjadi sebuah cerita

Namun tak ada yang namanya kebetulan...

Hanya sebuah kehendak

Dari Sang Penulis Agung

Milyaran insan terjebak di dalam romansa

Yang mereka pikir nyata

Sungguh menakjubkan makhluk-makhluk kita

Sungguh sebuah misteri

Mengapa kita berputar-putar di permukaan sebuah zat berinti panas

Mencari dan mencari

Makna...

Di mana kah gerangan jiwaku berada?

Mengapa hari berganti tanpa selembar goresan pena

Hingga aku melompong

Bagai tanah tak bertuan

Yang ditinggalkan hewan-hewan

Karena musim kering tak berkesudahan

Sisihkan bagiku tetes-tetes embun itu

Yang menyentuh bibirku dengan segenap bukti kehidupan

Hidup...

Kuingin hidup lagi

Dan merajut kisah-kisah itu

Tentang kamu...mungkin

Dan tentang semua yang pernah singgah dalam kalbuku

Little Grace

you came to me

out of the blue

a Godsent angel

to mend my broken heart

just when I stopped praying for him

when apathy nearly devoured me

to turn my path

to all the wrong corners

you are trully God’s grace

forever remind me

of how He loves me so

of how He loves him too