Veni Veni Emmanuel

So what’s the difference between a fiction and a non-fiction?

Which one is more boring?

I really don’t have the answer to that question. But maybe, it depends on how intriguing is the writing. How the words and sentences intertwine and provoke inspirations and ideas thus conjure an enjoyable moment of enlightenment.

I don’t have enough time to go through a fiction with sufficient quality nowadays, though I miss it so much ‘till my bones ache sometimes…

But I need to write. To keep my sanity.

It’s Christmas. And the weather is far from snowing. It’s probably 38 degrees Celsius out there.

It’s Christmas, and it has always been a burden. Christmas means jingle bells. Presents. Festive dinner. Laughter with friends and family members.

But down here… everything is just… ordinary.

No glittering trees.

No turkey.

No laughter…

The only festive thing for me at Christmas is the Christmas vigil mass. And that’s it. A couple of hours where I can enjoy the peaceful moment of Christmas. No burden. Just the liturgy, the choir, the psalms, the holy communion, and last but not least, the sermon from the priest.

Ah… the priest. That guy is somewhat a wonder for me. He makes me think deeply and question my fleshly constraints. He has an incredibly charming physical appearance. Coincidentally my type. And my sisters’ (LOL).

It’s quite annoying for me to face the fact that he’s actually many women’s type. And I mean, many… many women. Young and old, single and married. Pretty insane indeed.

And every time I attend his service, I get all messed up with curiosity and desire of knowing him further. I began to wonder why a totally handsome man like him doesn’t have the vocation to build a family of his own. You know, living a normal life, dating pretty girls, making out, get married and get laid, raising children and wish you were dead every once in a while.

In the contrary… he seems to have a different mindset. A little further away from the mainstream. And the questions start bugging me. Like, is he gay? A woman broke his heart severely that it couldn’t heal anymore? Does he simply have a vision about what kind of hell hole a marriage life can be? Or, the last alternative that I can think of, he really is called from the very first place. I’m a believer, so I do believe in fate. God has chosen him, called him, and made him His apostle.

So, what’s it like to be called by the Father, father? 

Does He tell you what to do each day? 

How do you know His plans and designs for you? 

Does He touch your heart in a way that words fail to describe? 

What is He like in your mind’s eyes? 

Through your long journey of study, you may have the big picture already, about Him. That same God who called me also, but through a different path. 

How does He sound? Like thunder? Or breeze?

You seem so devout father. You believe not only in those written in the Holy Scriptures, but in all the teachings of the church and the saints. Have you unveiled the big mystery of this universe father?

When was the first time you hear His calling?

Does it hurt you father, having to fight your flesh each and every day?

How do you deal with those who covet you inappropriately?

Does it break you to embrace Him unconditionally while witnessing all the gruesome works of this world?

I envy you father. And I fell asleep with that envy last night. I wonder if God has a plan to cross our paths. I’ve been trying to reach you virtually but no doors seemed to be opened. I wonder if you would share what your spirit has encountered. 

May I see God through your eyes? 

May I hear Him through your ears? 

May I feel Him through your heart?

This is beyond material world father. It’s my spirit, trying to connect with yours...

Anyway father, thank you for your short yet sweet message for us all last night at the mass. Like always, you have me at every speech.

And so the cheers and happiness of Christmas doesn’t mean that we deny our problems and struggles. But it is due to knowing that within those everyday struggles, God is born. He has come, to stay and be with us all through our journey. Emmanuel.

Expedition Neverland

Why we keep looking for the ‘right one’
A friend of mine said, there is no neverland. Forget it.
I agree. No neverland. But I still believe in Heaven. Yeah I know, it’s not here on earth.

But hope, indeed has more lives than cats. A lot more. Far more… It dies but live again, over and over and over…
Like forgiveness in the bible, that we have to give endlessly, no matter how much we have given, even to the exact same person. We must keep forgiving, unconditionally.

Anyway, I realize that maybe I haven’t been flexible all these times. I’m rigid, inconsiderate, impulsive, impatient, defensive. Maybe. Well at least someone said that to me just a few days ago when I told her I want to leave to try my luck, pursuing my dream, taking another opportunity that knocks on my door in quite a sudden manner indeed.
They said, maybe I dream too much, imagining things that are not there. Maybe I got too emotional thus made a wrong decision. Maybe I didn’t think about it in the right way. I should be receptive and be patient with things that don’t meet my expectation. I should have decided to stay.

And miss out the opportunity.

And stop trying to know what it’s like on the other side of the fence, who knows there are indeed monsters like they say…

And forget about the facts that the world with me in it is changing rapidly right before our very eyes, so I should keep moving in order to keep up.

And stay where I am a little longer, wishing for the people to change into the persons they are not.

So, why on earth am I still deciding to look for neverland, regardless of its non-existence?
Maybe, because I have a hope, that can not die. It always believes that I can always reach for something better.
Maybe… that hope will die once I meet the fact on the other side of the fence. But I know, after a while, it will grow again, little by little, until it has enough strength to make me leap again in search for my destiny.

So… seek… and thou shall find.

Have faith!

Rainy Monday

Ketaatan iman…
Begitu kata Romo di misa Hari Raya Kristus Raja Sabtu sore yang lalu.
Sambil terkantuk-kantuk karena fisik yang agak capek setelah seharian aktivitas, suara romo yang tenang dan adem masuk ke telinga gue dan somehow bikin gue tergugah buat merhatiin lebih cermat.
Akal budi saja tidak akan cukup…
Kenapa?
Semua manusia punya akal budi dan pengetahuan. Akal budi membuat manusia bertengkar dan berselisih, demi mempertahankan kebenaran masing-masing, yang seringkali memang sama-sama benar.
Aha! So true romo… kata gue dalam hati…
Ketaatan iman. Kata-kata itu mulai masuk lebih dalam… into my soul, and my spirit.
Jadi apa maksudnya ketaatan iman?
Agak bergerak lebih jauh dari isi homili romo, gue mau sedikit membagi pendapat gue soal yang satu ini.
Ketaatan iman, ngga begitu aja dateng ke setiap orang beragama. In fact, sepertinya ini bisa ngga ada hubungannya sama agama seseorang.
Ketaatan iman, berasal dari Dia, yang kita panggil Tuhan. The Eternal One. The Supreme Power. Causa Prima. Or whatever others may call Him.
Karena kalau mau ngikutin porsinya otak manusia (yang notabene cuma terpakai 10%), yang muat Cuma pengetahuan. Apa yang bisa diterima sama indera-indera kita, yang sudah ada, dan tinggal kita kenali lebih detil, kita pilah dan kita golongkan. Terbatas sama hal-hal yang sudah ada. Existing. Sedikit lebih maju dari pengetahuan, ada imajinasi, yang sebenarnya juga berakar dari pengetahuan. Melalui apa yang sudah kita kenal dan kita alami, kita mix and match lah hal-hal itu, jadi sesuatu yang mungkin belum ada saat ini. But those are all within our brain’s capacity. Perceive, create and re-create.
Nah, kalau bicara soal iman, ini artinya kita perlu bergerak lebih jauh dari otak kita. Iman bukan made in this world. Iman, ngga ada di otak manusia. Hm… atau mungkin ada, somewhere di 90% area yang selama ini belum pernah terpakai.
Pernah merasa yakin kalau orang itu adalah orang yang akan jadi pasangan hidup kita, regardless of all the terms and condition yang ngga terpenuhi?
Pernah merasa yakin kalau pilihan karir kita sepertinya harus belok ke arah yang kurang masuk akal?
Pernah merasa setengah mati pingin banget melakukan sesuatu yang salah tapi ujung-ujungnya tetep stay di tempat yang bener?
Well guys, gue rasa itu lah iman. Tumbuh dari pengetahuan tentang Tuhan dan pekerjaanNya. Diasah sama Roh yang mendampingi kita tanpa kelihatan. Yah, ini bagian tersulitnya memang… ngga keliatan… karena manusia punya atribut alami yang selalu ingin melihat, sebelum mau nerima.
I’ve lived for 38 years now. Udah liat banyak. Udah ngalamin banyak juga. Sekarang dunia lagi gonjang-ganjing karena perubahan begitu banyak, begitu drastis dan menakutkan… Apa yang dulu salah mendadak jadi bener. Dan sebaliknya. Yang dulu Cuma khayalan, sekarang kenyataan.
Panik?
Well… if you’re a mediocre human who believe in your 10% brain capacity only, surely you can’t help but to be panic.
Tapi ada kabar baik buat kamu yang sudah punya pengalaman sama imannya. No worries guys, those robots may replace humans with knowledge. But they can’t replace your wisdom. And they definitely knows nothing about faith and the unseen holy spirit.

Work Is...

Kerjaan itu kayak makanan.
Kalo kebanyakan bisa muntah.
Kalo terlalu sedikit kelaperan.
Kalo ngga ada...
Lama-lama mati cuy...

Probably Heaven

Maybe… this is what happens to the chosen ones in Heaven before they are sent to Earth…
God : (Reading from list while tick marking names, perhaps in alphabetical order. Days have passed with abundant turmoil in the assignment fields. Piles of reports are floating and glistening around Him. He exhales deeply, clear His throat and with His thundering and fearful voice He calls the name.)
  Felicity!
A soul flies in. A white light flickers above her head, and all over her skin. She looks restless, excited, curious…
Felicity : Aye, My Lord! How can I be at your service?
God : (Gives a close look to Felicity from behind a pair of glasses that ease His eyes to read. Silent for a moment, then He snaps His fingers to summon a humongous book, with gold ink carved on its seemingly heavy cover.)
  This is your handbook for your assignment. And this, (snaps His fingers one more time to summon a white envelope, sealed with the sign of the cross.) is the details of your assignment.
Felicity : (Receives the two items, which are indeed heavy, with a gasp. She waits for God to say more, expecting some complicated instructions to be jotted down. But instead, God steps backward, reached for His chair and fetch the pen to tick mark the list, ready for another assignee…
Felicity : ehem… hm…?
God : Yes? You have a problem finding the way out?
Felicity : (Confused and feels disoriented) Pardon me Sir… but… in case You haven’t noticed, I haven’t been given any trainings for this assignment. I believe this is a very serious and tough one. That’s what folks say.. So, at least You can give me some guidance or some sorts before I go.
God : (Puts away the list and the pen for a while. Once more, He looks Felicity closely, this time with arms folded).  I have assigned another soul to be your guidance there.
Felicity : Is that so? And… Are You gonna introduce me to that person?
God : No (without blinking). Not now.
Felicity : But, this is… a bit overwhelming actually Sir… I mean, You do want me to succeed the assignment, right?
God : Of course. You go and accomplish your assignment. After that, you will be taken home here, and get all your rewards from Me, Myself. And remember not to breach any of the procedures and regulations written in that book. Otherwise, you will fail the assignment. And, if that happens, sadly, I can not let you stay here anymore.
After saying the last sentence, He looks mournful, as if the statement has come into reality. Felicity wonders how many have failed the assignment before her? Suddenly she has panic attack, looking at the humongous book.
Felicity : But sir… seriously? I don’t have even the tiniest idea about the procedures in this book! (Her voice trembles as if she’s going to cry at anytime).
God : (Gives a magical calming look to Felicity). I will equip you with everything you need… Just don’t break the rules, ask for anything that you need for the assignment. I will give it to you. Trust me.
Felicity : (Getting a lot calmer). I see… (Reaches her communication gadget). So, what’s your number?
God : (Clears His throat and sighs almost unnoticeably). Hm, there might be a bit of a problem with the communication line between here and your assignment location. Due to many interference and the extreme distance. You might not be able to hear my voice, at least not clearly. But no worry, I can always hear yours. So, say and ask anything you want, to Me.
With hesitation, finally Felicity left the chamber where God drowns Himself days and nights in His works.
Before the door closes behind her, she feels an urge to see God one more time. So she turns around to meet God’s loving face staring at her. He smiles and says, “Always remember who you are, my child. And always believe in Me.”

Remember...

Let's get drowned in work
Spare no space for temptation
Pray for the rain to stop, for the howling wind to calm down
So when the atmosphere is finally clear
with that colorful arc of the everlasting covenant
Once again we are reminded of who we are...

Nostalgia

the song sounded familiar in my ears
too familiar... yet it felt like coming from several previous lives i might have experienced
so i closed my eyes, recalling those notes, bound together like droplets of memories
and i recalled you
you, from the past, and still live in my mere past...
it's always wonderful to leave a story behind
like some old chapters waiting to be red in a right time...
and now, I arrive at the end of the pages
wasn't as i expected. But indeed a happy ending
it wasn't you all along. Never been you at all.
it was just my imagination of you
that got me fallen for a while
just to gain another enlightenment
in this journey of mine called life...

The Ungrateful City

Barangkali gw memang egois pengen si no. 2 yang menang pemilihan. Mungkin, emang rakyat Jakarta yang lebih punya hati. Masyarakat Indonesia belum siap untuk diajak berjujur ria. Terlalu pandai. Terlalu banyak kepentingan. Kejujuran Cuma slogan, yang lebih sering dikunci di gudang buat jadi barang lapuk, baru diambil kalo perlu pernak-pernik buat kampanye. Semuanya menyerukan nama kudus Dia yang dulu tak berani disebut oleh bangsa Ibrani, karena terlalu dahsyat, dan ngeri. Tapi nabi-nabi palsu tidak takut. Bagi mereka, Tuhan itu tak lebih dari mitos. Gimana ngga. Mereka belum pernah ketemu. Belum pernah ngobrol. Dan belum pernah ngerasa ditampar saat mereka melanggar perintahNya. Mereka percaya sama apa yang bias mereka sentuh, pegang dan rasakan. Yang bias senantiasa mendatangkan manfaat dan kebaikan buat daging-daging mereka. Seperti uang. Ya, uang, pastinya. Jama sekarang ngga punya uang? Ke laut aja deh loe. Ya ngga?

Jadi balik lagi, kalau kamu lebih percaya Tuhan ketimbang uang sampe ngga mau kompromi samasekali buat hal-hal yang ngga sejalan sama ketentuan Dia… kamu orang aneh. Ngga waras. Berbahaya. Perlu disingkirkan…

Si no. 2 pun masuk ke jalur para martir. Dihakimi, difitnah, diberi kesaksian dusta. Buat apa?

Buat ngebersihin sungai-sungai dari sampah. Buat ngebenahin pasar dan ngusir preman. Buat meniadakan pungutan liar. Buat mengusir banjir. Buat mindahin penduduk pemukiman kumuh yang sarat penyakit ke apartemen yang jauh lebih layak tinggal…

Sakit hati? Iya. Saya sakit hati. Karena saya melihat pekerjaan Tuhan lewat dia, tapi manusia memilih untuk berpaling ke pekerjaan setan.

Aku bertanya padaNya, kenapa? Kenapa Kau memilih untuk kalah, membiarkan yang jahat yang menang? Apa salahnya sih sekali-sekali unjuk gigi? Kasih mereka liat, siapa Tuhan. Biar aja ada yang jadi tiang garam. Atau gosong di tempat. Sekali-sekali aja… Apa Tuhan ngga empet liat mereka yang sok pinter dan memutarbalikkan kebenaran? Dulu Tuhan empet sama bangsa Israel yang kerjanya bersungut-sungut ngga tau terima kasih. Kenapa sekarang Kau memilih untuk diam?

Ingin rasanya mengutuk kota ini biar dikasih hujan api dan belerang kayak Sodom dan Gomorah yang isinya orang jahat semua. Tapi di kota ini masih ada 40% orang yang masih suka kebenaran. Termasuk gw dan anggota keluarga gw. 

Jadi untuk mereka kah Kau memilih untuk diam? Atau untuk si no. 2 yang sangat Kau kasihi itu? Supaya dia terbebas dari penderitaan dimusuhin dan dihujat orang-orang karena mengerjakan apa yang benar di hadapanMu.

Yah, mungkin mereka yang ngga milih si no. 2, sebetulnya kasihan sama dia. Jadi daripada seorang baik menderita, lebih baik kita ramai-ramai menderita dibohongi para penguasa yang ngaku-ngaku percaya Tuhan, tapi kelakuan dan keputusan mereka lebih dipengaruhi sama iblis. Tokh… perjalanan kita di dunia ini Cuma sementara. Ngga terlalu lama. Selebihnya, adalah penghakiman terakhir buat para penguasa lalim, dan semua yang ngga pernah mau ngambil kesempatan buat bertobat.