Weary

Empty...

Like this day

What to do..?

Feel so trapped and helpless

Not much of a journey

This repetition is driving me insane...

Wish to escape

And became a stranger

Stranded in a foreign land

Nobody tellin’ me no

Nobody expectin’ me to do the chores

Just go out and hang out

Live my life to the fullest

Just the selfish part of me...

Forgetting the obedient side

But can you blame me for wanting to be free

Just another unoccupied piece of life

Alone and a bit fed up

Of every inch traveled by the hands of time

Jurnal Galau

Jakarta kebanjiran. Again. And again.

Emang sepertinya bangsa ini ngga pernah mau belajar. Bebal. Keras kepala. Udah tau mana yang bener dan mana yang salah, tapi tetep pura-pura ngga tau. Mungkin suatu hari Jakarta bakal raib dari muka bumi, kayak Atlantis. Atau kayak daerah tempat tinggal Nuh dulu, yang penduduknya mencemooh Nuh karena ngebangun perahu segede Titanic di tengah musim kering.

Well, anyway, Puji Tuhan rumah keluarga gue ngga ada yang tergenang. Ngga kebayang kalo sampe harus perang sama air comberan setinggi pinggang di dalem rumah sendiri. Oh God, secara 2 minggu ngga ngepel lantai kamar aja rasanya hormon gue berantakan gara2 stress.

Tapi gara-gara banjir di mana-mana, gue stuck di rumah, ngga bisa ngantor karena ngga mau ngambil resiko mobil baru rusak lantaran dipaksa jadi amphibi di danau jadi-jadian di depan Citraland dan kampus Trisakti yang selalu jadi titik banjir yang paling fenomenal. Sedangkan angkot udah pada ngga beroperasi. It’s a wet hell, seriously. Gue udah pernah ngalamin gimana sengsaranya jalan kaki dari depan indosiar sampe komplek taman palem di ring road cengkareng sambil ngerobok banjir gara-gara motor mantan pacar gue mogok di tengah jalan. Gue masih inget gimana dongkolnya ama situs Detik.com karena sebelum jalan pulang gue baca laporan kalau genangan di jalan daan mogot itu setinggi 20 cm saja. Entah wartawan edan mana yang posting itu berita, yang pasti genangan di jalan daan mogot ngerendem motor yang gue naikin sampe knalpotnya tenggelam and mesinnya mati. Coba dikira-kira sendiri yah berapa dalem itu kubangan.

Berbekal pengalaman itu lah, gue menetapkan strategi risk management untuk diam di rumah selama banjir masih tinggi di mana-mana.

Karena punya akses internet di rumah, gue berinisiatif ngecek e-mail kantor. Ternyata isinya keren-keren. Satu yang paling keren adalah masalah data accrual akhir tahun yang gue kerjain. Being a first timer in this accrual thing, gue belom paham di mana aja ranjau2nya. Konsepnya sebenernya sederhana aja, it’s basic accounting dan gue pede gue bisa handle semuanya. Gue udah biasa bikin laporan yang kompleks dari data yang jumlahnya bisa sampe 20 ribu record gitu lho. This one should be easier. Ternyata oh ternyata! Gue baru aware kalo data ini menjamah hajat hidup orang banyak di seluruh tanah air. Salah sedikit aja, impactnya luar biasa. And guess what. Gue melakukan banyak kesalahan, yang sepertinya bisa bikin divisi gue dicap tolol and kaga becus sama  rakyat se-Indonesia.

So there I was, bacain e-mail pertanyaan soal angka2 dan jurnal2 yang ngga match sambil nahan mules, berharap ngga ada siapa-siapa yang jadi korban kesalahan alokasi beban or accrual gue (misalnya bonus satu divisi ada yang dipotong karena P&Lnya jeblok gara2 bebannya kegedean, gara2 salah jurnal).

Lesson learned: It sucks being the one who makes mistakes. Rasanya pengen marah-marah, teriak sumpah serapah, nyari kambing item atau ngelimpahin kesalahan sama orang yang ikut andil dalam kasus ini. Tapi... sayangnya gue ngga pengen jadi seperti kebanyakan orang. Kalau gue balikin posisi gue, let’s say gue jadi orang yang dirugikan atau direpotin dengan kesalahan gue, atau jadi orang yang terlibat di kerjaan itu, yang niatnya bantuin tapi ternyata bikin kesalahan yang ngga disengaja. Kira-kira apa yang gue harap dilakukan seorang Widya? Kalo gue pihak yang dirugikan, gue jelas bakal lebih bete kalo si pelaku kesalahan ngga mau ngaku dan malah lempar2 kesalahan, bukannya ngasih solusi. Kalo gue pihak yang direpotin, gue pengen si pelaku kesalahan ngasih penjelasan yang jelas, supaya gue juga tahu langkah apa yang harus dilakukan buat solusinya. Dan kalo gue pihak yang terlibat, gue jelas ngga mau kena disalah-salahin and dijadiin kambing item.

So, ini challenge buat gue. Gue harus buktiin kalo gue ngga main politik, apa pun bentuknya. Kalo bener ya bener, kalo salah ya salah. Biar aja semua orang anggap gue or divisi gue o’on, tapi gue akan selesain masalahnya, sampe tuntas. Dan gue akan belajar dari pengalaman, spy next time kalo gue pegang accrual lagi, no more such mistakes.

Waiting for Salvation

Dear Friend,

I pray that God gives you

The courage to endure your pain

For you may not be able to stand by yourself

But His promise is eternal and certain

More certain than the rising sun

More eternal than forever

The horror we see,

May He turn it into faith

That kills every fear in our hearts

For this world, like our lives

Is fragile and temporary

But His Kingdom is the truth

Which is the source of everlasting life

Don’t weep

For there’s nothing to be wept

If only you could see

Beyond your earthly eyes and flesh

How gracefully strong and beautiful

Are the hands that hold us

The hands where our names are carved in

The hands that will take us home

At the end of the journey

Zero is for Money

Think I will try to write some kind of a diary here. Been a long time since I did that. So here’s an interesting event (if u can call it an event) that happened to me no longer than 3 weeks ago. It’s a reflection actually, that I’d like to share with anyone who wants to know.

There’s this Primadoa fellowship in my office which holds a service every Thursday afternoon. They call many great preachers to speak in the services, each of which I don’t want to miss.

So anyway, in one service, the sermon given was about success. What is the REAL success in the eyes of God? The preacher – who looked remarkably young when I greeted him at the entrance but then I realised that he wasn’t once he stepped up to the podium – quoted a verse from Proverbs 23:4 (Don't wear yourself out trying to get rich. Be wise enough to know when to quit.)

Being a mediocre catholic, I admit that I seldom read the bible. Bible verses are accessed only at mass, as for the rest of the week; the ‘other not so holy’ verses flood my mind. I found myself fascinated by the verse, knowing that such sayings exist in the Holy Scripture. Wow. I said amen to all the preacher said about what success should be in Christians’ lives. 100% agree. I felt as if a fire burned inside my heart. Once again I got my self an affirmation. That it’s not at all about money. There is nothing to envy others for how much they earn. And that I shouldn’t be worried about the constant figure that printed on my bank account statement every month. The figure is NOTHING! It’s what you give to God that matters. It’s how we live our vocations, how we relate intimately with Him, how we go to places He wants us to be. Go there first, and the money will indeed follow. Not for us to be rich, but for us to bless others, cause basically God is the owner of every penny in the world. He has the right to allocate them as He pleases. Bottom line, I had a great joy after the sermon.

And exactly 2 weeks after that, I received my first assessment. Somehow, not deliberately I had a chance to find out someone’s salary. And guess what, I was broken. I have never imagined that she earns that much! Gosh! All this time I thought I earn more than she does. I felt so upset, felt like I have been deceived big time. She was so good at pretending and complaining to be flat broke most of the times, treating others as if they are more fortunate than she is. I was down and began to condemn the company where I work, accusing them guilty for not appreciating me. So much for the fire that burned my heart 2 weeks before.

Only after a day or two, I finally managed to resolve my disappointment. Through my silent prayer, I was reminded of the preacher’s sermon. Once again I recalled the verses, the spirit, the never changing truth, and the lives given to Him totally. Thus I felt like someone really slapped me in the face. Maybe if Simon Peter was present that time, he would have told me, ‘Join the club honey. Been there before.’

What I’m trying to tell here is, beware and keep our prayers at all time, for we must nurture the words of God, not only in our hearts but also in out daily lives, in practices. We are so fragile; we seldom know when the test comes. Therefore we must always relate to Him, let Him guard every feeling and emotion we encounter so we won’t do things outside His will.

The Sightings

I feel sick and excited

Another glimpse just passed my nightmare

Pieces by pieces they revolt

A horror that tortures my nights

She appears again this time

Won’t let me have my peace

With her torn bleeding soul

With the death necklace rounds her gullet

Another pill is lost in a bubble

I try to kill the pain within my head

I wait a while

And kill my ghosts for a start...

And then I see her, one last time

Hair soft like silk beside the coral sea

That’s when I close my eyes

And free my nights.

Nebetta

Goodnight sleepyhead

Sweet dreams and sleep tight

The night’s getting darker

The night’s getting older

Hush, don’t speak no more

Don’t be awaken no more

Let the arms of the invisible

Take you to places

You’ve never been before

Fly away across the universe

Meet your prince of imagination

Drop by at the valley of kings

Spot the treasure of a hundred curses

Tear up a linen dress

And prepare for a party

Of wine and bread

Of crowd and conviviality

Dance from the first tile to the last

Get drunk and be wild

Throwing up ‘till sunlight

O what a wonderful delight.

Obsessed

I gotta forget you…

Coz  I can’t bear thinking of you

You remind me

Of dozens of places

I may never travel

Of heaps of paths

I may never cross

And of hundreds of possibilities

I may never become

You’ve torn my peace

Into pieces…

You’ve awaken the monster inside

That makes me forget

The why-s and the therefore-s

That makes me once again

Feel lost and forsaken

I just had to let you go

Coz sometimes,

The pain of having none

Is nothing compared to

The pain of not having what I desire.

Unsympathetic

Sayang,

Jangan kau matikan lagu cinta itu

Biarkan ia membahana

Mengisi relung-relung hatiku yang kadang lesu

Biarkan ia menggelitik jantungku

Yang berdesir-desir ditiup angin gairah

Aku suka lagu itu sayang,

Jangan kau usir biduan itu

Jangan kau muramkan hariku

Kuingin mendengarnya berdendang

Merasakan jiwaku menari

Mengiringi jutaan nada

Yang berkasihan di pantai melodi

Patah hatimu bukan patah hatiku sayang,

Jangan kau sebar bisa beracunmu

Mencemari langitku yang biru

Jangan kau bunuh puisi cintaku

Yang kau benci sepenuh hati

Karena kasihmu yang tak sampai

The Blue Tunes

Feeling blue...
While listening to those tunes
Each of which carries me
To the core of my consciousness
To the edge of my passion
To the very bottom of my heart

I sense you...
Lingering very near to me
Ah... Just as usual
You take my breathe away

It’s always you...
Who ever really save me
Who mesmerize me
Who inspire me
From nothing to everything

And you’re there
In the core of my consciousness
In the edge of my passion
In the very bottom of my heart

Now and Then

Now and then, the weather just feels so gloomy and cold
And the old song just keeps on playing in my head, reminding me of the past memories that I miss so much
Sometimes, the sadness is nearly unbearable, with every step I make
under the rain that pours down heavily from the sky…
Was restless thinking of the stories I need to carve in my blank life
Was desperate of curiosity,
of hundreds of promises not yet to come
Was eager to leave, to grab the glittering freedom,
to experience all the colors

Every now and then…

Now that I’ve taste all the colors
Falling in and out of my freedom
The fire of the past stings me sometimes
And that’s why I’ll take my pen
And write the sorrows away…

Sayur... sayur

Bosan.
Bosan.
Bosan.
Kenapa gue bosan?
Ngga tau.
Mungkin karena kerjaan gue itu-itu terus.
Mungkin karena ngantuk.
Tapi mungkin karena gue bosan makanya gue ngantuk.
Serba salah.
Libur pengen kerja.
Kerja pengen libur.
Ga pengen ngapa-ngapain.
Tapi enak juga kalo bisa pulang.
Pulang ke rumah impian gue.
Di mana gue bisa selonjor sambil bengong.
Ngga usah ngapa-ngapain.
Ngga perlu sungkan males-malesan kayak Garfield.
Nikmatnya selonjor sambil bengong.
Nyender di sofa empuk.
Baca novel, denger Bruno Mars.
Tidur, mimpi liburan ke Santorini.