The Regret

One day, somewhere I no longer remember, I read about this: After God created mankind, He regretted…

Already a catholic that day, I wondered, was that true? God regretted His work in the creation of men? Are we so hideous that our Creator feels He has made a mistake? Can He make any mistakes? The most divine, the most righteous one…

It was disturbing indeed. But I chose not to be bothered too much and made a simple conclusion for the sake of my peace of mind. Maybe it was just another way of saying that God was sad seeing how people have sinned. How people have hurt each other. How there’re so many sufferings in this world caused by mankind… And that the passage was intended for the readers to pray and always strive to be better persons.

I have held onto this for some time. 

Until today…

It’s the time of lent, and by His grace I get to reflect His divine misery and death on the cross.

The Omnipotent God, invincible and infinite in His nature, has decided to become like His creation to feel our pain and suffering. 

Why? 

He doesn’t have to do it at all. 

Moreover, He doesn’t deserve it at all.

He has created mankind with love. To share His glory in eternal happiness, only… with full consent. 

He wanted us to love Him by choice. Not out of unconsciousness.

On the other side, the jealous ones, those who finally fall from grace, despise God’s idea to take humans - these lowly creatures - to be united with Him in the Kingdom. They just can’t take it and decide they must do something about it. Being much more superior creatures, they know exactly our weaknesses and limitations. Thus they start spreading deceptions so we won’t succeed in entering the Kingdom they have been expelled from.

The free will God has given us is now used to harm us, to keep us away from God.

And so I think, this is why God regrets…

He is love, and all things good.

He created mankind for love, and now they are being swindled by the enemy to fall to the other side and be separated from Him forever…

This is His ultimate regret. 

As Jesus tried to make us understand through His parables, the love God has for mankind that has been created according to His own image, surpasses any fathers’ love for their flesh and blood on earth. This divine love can’t and won’t let His children be dragged to destruction just like that. So He sent His only begotten Son. As C.S. Lewis once told us in one of his books, God writes Himself into the story He creates. A plot twist that leads to the salvation of mankind.

Happy Lent.

Wake Up Call

Liat berita di TV pagi-pagi, lagi-lagi kasus anak bunuh ibunya.

Satan is working hard indeed.

And they talked about mental health. People’s organization. Government involvement in families.

I tell you what they need. They need Jesus the living God to have mercy on them.

They need to be told the Truth. They need to know who is working on them, and for what purpose.

Satan, that good for nothing, is working to get their asses down to hell with him.

‘Cause he just can’t bear the fact that God is calling men and women to Heaven to be happy with Him forever. While he will forever rot in hell.

If only they knew what hell is… If only they knew God is opening His Home for everyone for free… And the only thing that made them fail to see this is because Satan keeps lying and lying, and they believe his craps.

Dissolved in Your Glory

Forgive me if this is inappropriate…

Since you are so much more than an established and perfect gentleman

And you possess all the wealth and the power

Your wisdom is beyond people’s petty comprehension and intelligence

You are adored and devoted by so many…

So many, they have left their everything behind for you…

Yet I’m here in my room alone

Thinking of your majestic smile

And your eye-gaze that dissolve my whole being

And in my mind you shine bright like the sun

But it doesn’t burn

Instead, its rays of light infiltrate into every cell of my body

And I succumb to it in an indescribable joy as I turn my eyes on you

How I want to catch your light…

But I know I am merely dirt before you

I can never contain your beauty…

 

So here I am…

Imagining you…

With this piece of piano tunes

That knocks me out of my flesh and bones

Love Your Enemy

How do you do that?

Love your enemy. Really?

It’s even nearly impossible not to imagine grabbing the hair of those teens who just couldn't queue properly on the way to the train station upstairs.

For such a small matter, I hate them instantly. I don’t even know them.

‘Love your enemy’ is one of many teachings of Jesus that I still don’t understand. Because I haven’t found any ways to put it into practice. How can I? Surely, it doesn’t make any sense. I tried imagining it several times. Tried to remember my past conflicts with others, looking for some situation that might suit the context. Was I ever, in my experience, mad/ angry to someone but love him/ her at the same time? Did I ever dislike someone but like him/ her at the same time?

The first question is easier to answer. Yes, I can be mad at my daughter, but it doesn’t mean I hate her. I’m mad for a reason at a given time, for some mistakes she made that were unpleasant for me. But I never hate her for that. But of course this can’t be considered loving my enemy. No sane mothers hate their children. 

So, who’s my enemy? 

Someone who hurt me, either physically or mentally... Someone who trespassed against me. Someone who hates me…

Well… it’s not hard to come up with a list of names who have hurt my feelings. Some of them are still in my life. But most of them are not. For some of those who are still in my life, I may have forgiven them. But I’m not sure if I love them. Most probably I only cope with them because I still need them. Somehow I managed to forget their wrongdoings, and not think about them. They don’t occupy my heart or my mind. And I don’t believe that’s love…

See? I couldn’t find it. 

It’s just not human… If you think of it as a mere human being…

It takes more than just humanity. It takes a divinity.

The same divinity that enables the late Pope John Paul to forgive and pray for the man who tried to assassinate him.

A song title came to my mind. The Power of Love by Celine Dion.

“...Whenever you reach for me

I'm gonna do all that I can

We're heading for something

Somewhere I've never been

Sometimes I am frightened but I'm ready to learn

of the power of love..”

Well, isn’t that something? 

If God asks me to love my enemy, and I answer, guess He’ll grant me that crucial power of love. So maybe, all we need to do, if we sincerely want to love others who have hurt us, simply ask the Lord to give us the capacity. 

Like I said, it’s not human. 

It’s divine. It doesn’t come from this world.

Breaking the Lies

Oh how I feel more and more separated from this world…

And the more I am isolated, the more I realize by the grace of God, how wrong things are.

All the popular concepts about personal wellbeing are total garbage.. 

Me time. Love yourself. Follow your heart. Find your happiness. 

They are nothing but dirt and toxins for the soul and spirit.

It’s not about ‘me time’. It’s time spent with God, when we read the Holy Scriptures, when we pray, and ultimately when we celebrate the eucharist that matters. The time spent with Him is our ultimate source of strength in our daily battles. 

The gospel of Matthew said ‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind… and… Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.’ There is no ‘love yourself’ anywhere in the gospel.

Self love is the pioneer of selfishness and pride. Remember, it was pride that turned an angel into a demon. 

Follow Jesus instead of our heart ‘For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander’ (Matt 15:19).

And following Jesus means only these two things: denial of ourselves and carrying our crosses. Cross is the symbol of suffering. Our lives on earth can not be separated from daily toils which we need to embrace. So, it’s not about pursuing our happiness, my friend. Our happiness may cause sadness for others. We can be happy for all the wrong reasons and with all the wrong ways.

Those concepts may seem harmless and good. Just like the enemy wants it to be…

The father of all lies knows the humans’ weaknesses all too well. His only mission is to distance us from God. He can’t stand the idea of mankind going to Heaven to meet God. Clearly it’s the privilege he doesn’t have. 

Mary and the Empty Tomb

Easter Sunday was 2 days behind. So this week is called Easter Octave…

Today’s bible reading is about Jesus’ empty tomb, found by Mary Magdalene. I found something interesting in one of the passages, the one which told us that Mary, in her deep grief from the Lord’s death, came to His tomb which was already empty. Apostle John wrote: So Mary Magdalene stood by the tomb and wept. She wept, realizing that she had lost Jesus. Even it was just His lifeless body, she felt a great loss, again… Mary must have been so attached to Jesus, she didn’t want to be separated from Him, even from His corpse…

She immediately became convinced that Jesus’ body had been snatched away and hidden somewhere else. Even after the resurrected Jesus greeted her and asked her who was it that she was looking for, she was unable to recognize Him due to her emotional condition. She kept repeating her conviction that the Lord’s body had been taken away and now she was left clueless about its whereabouts.  

At that point, Jesus who understood Mary’s heart finally decided to open her eyes by calling her, by her name. 

Maybe... a few years before that day in front of the empty tomb, Jesus had reached out to Mary one day. The lost Mary. The doomed Mary, ready to be another soul dragged to hell by the enemies. But Jesus, the good shepherd had descended from Heaven looking for His lost lambs, and He recognize one when He encountered one… He then called her Mary of Magdala. He had called her by her name and claimed her as His, leaving the enemy with a bitter defeat right in the face.

“Mary,” called Jesus. And Mary was taken to that exact moment of her salvation. So it went, she became one of the first witnesses of Jesus’ resurrection from death.

It’s funny how we are so much like Mary Magdalene. So busy with our own turmoil. We say we believe in Christ, in His great love and salvation. But our earthly body just can’t resist to react towards the earthly situations. When things go wrong (which is always and certainly), we as humans have to deal with our emotions. With our feelings. And with our thoughts. For a moment, we forget His voice. We maybe praying and calling out to Him for help. But our emotions and thoughts are like thick fog barricading us from recognizing His voice. We hold on tight to what we think is really happening, to what we think is true... Our focus is at the storm...

But the good news is: Jesus won’t just stand there and watch us being drifted away by our weaknesses.  

At the right moment, He will call us by our names like He had called Mary in front of His empty tomb… thus we will once again be His witness, spreading the word…

Have a blessed Easter Octave.

God has risen. Alleluia.

Once When I Was Loved

Listening to the old ballads, I found myself again…

That part of me that is sane, and unbroken…

I had a life once. Before I became the one I am today.

Look… that’s me with the gals, we were single and free.

In our hearts were friendships, and dreams of tomorrow…

It was as simple as struggles among math, chemistry and physics

And a little bit of crush for a boy at a time…

The only desires were holding hands, walking home together, and sitting side by side

But the most important things were quality time with the gals, with whom I felt accepted, and normal.

Medication and Teenage Dirt Bag were the songs. They were our affirmation, that we were alright. That we weren’t freaks. Or unwanted aliens.

Those days… where imagination flourished like tall grass in the deep woods. When the days were long. And the nights were young..

T’was the time, where expectations were great, but not harmful. T’was the moment where I felt good about myself. I knew I was different, but in a good way. I was special.

Make believe is the thing that kept me through my days. It’s so amazing how easy it was to imagine things. To be happy just by imagining happy things…

Ah, those moments… those winning moments…

What have happened in between? It’s so… empty now. Is the sun setting on me already?

Is this as far as I can go?

As if imaginations have run dry. I’ve seen all the facts there is to see… And expectations turn into the devil who haunts my days, relentlessly attempting to snatch my peace of mind…

The happiness of a child… I’d give anything to have it. If only I could turn back time. Or if I could run away from these ugly truth, go back to the fantasies where fairies are real and a prince charming is waiting to take my hand for a happily ever after…

Ten Thousand Reasons

Where have I been?

My source of strength is right here with me all these times

What is it that upsets me?

That I forget to count my abundant blessings

Have I been distracted from my ultimate goal?

That I let the worries of the world haunt my sleeps at night

Oh what a shame, my soul…

You just fell for the umpteenth time

It’s indeed some rocky roads…

Yet worry not my soul

For His arms are never too far to reach you

Just in time…

And so I bend down my knees

To worship His kindness

And for ten thousand reasons He is worthy of

He, who puts His faith in me

Even in my darkest moments

A Priest Walks into a Bar

Lucifer                  : Please tell me you didn't come out here to talk to Him.

Father Frank         : God?  This is as good a spot as any.

Lucifer                  : (laughs) Right. Does He, uh... does He ever talk back?

Father Frank         : I don't need to hear Him to... hear Him. If you know what I mean.

Lucifer                  : Well, yes, He never talks to me, either. Listen, um... sorry about the altar boy. Surely you know you're not to blame. I mean, some people are just... beyond saving.

Father Frank         : That's where you're wrong. There's still hope for him.

Lucifer                  : He shot up your church, he's most likely running a drug ring behind your back, and, oh, yes, killed a man.

Father Frank         : I don't believe that.

Lucifer                  : Look, what if it's true?

Father Frank         : Then he needs me even more.

Lucifer                  : How can you still have faith in this boy?

Father Frank         : God has faith in him. In all of us. Even in our darkest moments.

Lucifer                  : Oh, you really believe that.

Father Frank         : I do. Why don't you?

Lucifer                  : Because He didn't have faith in me.

Father Frank         : I felt that way once, too. But now I know, deep in my heart, God has a plan for me.

Lucifer                  : Oh, His plan for me was quite clear.

Father Frank             : How do you know it's finished?


Taken from Lucifer season 1 episode 9 

Lesson of Sadness

Hari ini gw belajar, bahwa ngga semua seperti yang kita pikir

It’s even totally different at times

Mata manusia itu 90% buta, Cuma bisa liat yang pengen dia liat. Mungkin lebih melek orang buta karena mereka ngga dibikin bias ama penglihatan mereka.

Absence of sight sharpen the other senses

Percayalah, pikiran jelek itu datengnya dari si iblis

Thus positive and kind thoughts come from the Holy Spirit

Tapi pilihannya udah dikasih ke kita…

Kadang yang kita pikir jelek, ngga sejelek yang kita pikir

Vise versa. Yang kita pikir baik, pada akhirnya ngga sebaik yang kita pikir

Manusia itu sama aja di mana-mana. Full of weaknesses, just like me, like you, like them

Cuma kadang2, yang satu seringan keliatan jeleknya daripada bagusnya. Mungkin karena kebetulan dapet exposure nya begitu.

But bottom line, they’re all the same. Merely sinful human beings.

What make a difference are only our choices, our decisions, and to whom we believe in.

The choice to stay true, not to be reactive to everything that’s going on around us

And the decision to put our every problem into the hands of the Lord, instead of act on it by ourselves.

Berbahagialah yang Tidak Melihat Namun Percaya

Karena percaya itu ada di sini (hati)

Dalam roh yang ada di atas badan dan jiwa ini

Dalam keheningan dan kegelapan yang memisahkanku dari semuanya

Dari jalan-jalan bercabang dan berliku

Yang dirancang pikiran-pikiran kecil tapi angkuh

Di sini, dalam pusat keheningan kupejamkan mataku…

Hingga tak lagi memandang

Semua yang hanya ilusi dan tak berarti

Di sini, dalam kegelapan jiwaku yang merana ingin percaya

Bak liang kecil yang ingin memuat seisi samudera

Alangkah mustahil

Alangkah gila…

Kebodohan atau khayalan tak berdasar

Di manakah keteguhan? Saat ilusi tercabik, dan tabir misteri tak terungkap bagi mata

Yang memandang namun tak melihat…

Dan ketika semuanya menjadi tak lagi berarti

Luluh lantak tanpa makna

Hanya satu yang kupinta

Percaya…

Nararya Sangramawijaya

Dan imaji tentang kemegahan serta keelokan mu tak juga murca dalam pikiranku

Seolah dipatri ke dinding-dinding dalam kepalaku, 

Sapak tempuhmu yang penuh liku

Namun tak kunjung padam wibawa dan kearifanmu

Meski tak terpisah samudera, 

Kita terpisah jarak yang hanya cahaya kartika di langit yang mampu menandai

Kalau kubisa… ingin kusebrangi batasan dimensi waktu

'Tuk berjumpa dengan sosokmu

Mendengar sapamu yang hangat 

Bak sinar mentari yang menyembul dari balik Mahameru

Menyimak parasmu yang kerap larut dalam pemikiranmu 

Yang menerawang melampaui langkah-langkah masa

Menyaksikan kegagahan dan keberanianmu 

Membela idealisme negeri yang senantiasa kau dekap dalam relung sanubarimu

Kau, yang telah menjadi penanda kelahiran suatu jaman besar di untaian sejarah di khatulistiwa

Kini membeku di balik puing-puing candi dan arca mu

Seolah kehidupan yang pernah kau sentuh tak pernah menggariskan makna dan arti…

Hanya goresan-goresan buram pada lempeng-lempeng batu dan lembaran serat dedaunan 

Yang menyimpan bukti-bukti kejayaan dan keharuman namamu…

Yang kemudian membuatku bagai tersihir, 

Mencari dan mencari… jejak dan bayanganmu yang tersisa, 

'Tuk kugenggam dan kujadikan prasasti,

Tuk mengingatkanku akan para insan 

Yang dituntun oleh garis takdir 

Menjadi contoh panutan bagi jiwa yang haus, 

Yang merindukan kekalahan para lalim di tangan kebajikan...

Truce

Dear my old enemy,

Dr. Seus said, "sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."
Tonight, this quote reminded me of you. The one I once despiced so much 'till I swore to run away as far as I can once I had my chance.
I had it, and I did run away...

Now I miss the hustle and bustle, the pressure and the burdens you got me into...
That was the moment when I eventually know how far I could be stretched. How the pressure had provoked my potentials into performance.

Thank you old enemy of mine, for giving me the exposures, ones I didn't prefer at first but then enriched my experience and knowledge.

So then, it's a truce?
Yeah. I guess. But I still hope we will never again have any professional relationships.
I'll just treasure you in my memory. God bless you, wherever you are.

Asin

Kata dia: kerja di perusahaan yang pegawainya puluhan ribu itu kayak menggarami laut. Ngga asin-asin...

Kata gue: kerja di perusahaan yang pegawainya seiprit dengan bos kayak dia, sama juga kayak menggarami laut.

Stay

Ah... it's so tempting to walk out, again...

It's awful down here

I was honored when you told me the good news

Felt alive once again

But my friend, I think this is not my time yet

So, hardly must I say

Just leave me here for a while

And let me face my nightmare 

Live to Tell

Ok, impian buat belajar tentang kerjaan yang bunyinya kayak position title gw, sepertinya mesti gw lupain untuk sementara. Gw kaga yakin bos gw tau apa yang harus dia lakukan sebagai Kepala Divisi, atau bahkan sebagai people manager. Setelah kerja bareng dia setengah taon lebih, gw belajar banyakkkk hal, kecuali yg gw sebut di atas:

Satu

Ngga usah kekeuh kalo bos beda keyakinan sama loe. Percuma, kalo loe maksa, yang ada dia jadi sebel ama loe, besok-besok dia ogah ngajak loe diskusi lagi. Belom lagi kalo loe udah kekeuh, salah pula! Kelar lah karir loe. Selama keyakinan dia masih bisa ditolerir (meskipun agak bodoh, kurang efektif dan efisien tapi ngga melibatkan pelanggaran hukum atau hak asasi manusia), ya sudah lah… Tuhan tau loe lebih pinter, ngga usah nyari panggung buat tampil.

Dua

On becoming a good people manager: kenalin kemampuan dan kapasitas anak buah. Orang pinter memang cenderung ngeselin. Entah gayanya yang sok tau, sifatnya yang skeptic, suka melawan dan membangkang, ngga sabaran dll. But you know what? Mereka cuma butuh dimengerti dan diperlakukan dengan jujur. Kalo loe merasa insecure dengan sikap mereka2 ini, mungkin… loe belom siap jadi people manager. Atau, loe mungkin Cuma kurang pinter.

Tiga

On becoming a good people manager no. 2: se-limited apa pun kemampuan anak buah, hargain pendapat dan masukan mereka. Kadang mereka ada benernya, mungkin karena mereka udah sangat terbiasa dengan pekerjaan rutin mereka, ada detil yang mereka tau, yang loe ngga aware. Keep open, ngga usah defensive, after all, you’re the boss.

Empat

Segala sesuatu ada logikanya. Kalo bicara soal kerjaan, sepanjang pengalaman dan pengamatan gw, sebesar apa pun suatu kerjaan, pasti di dalemnya ada detil-detil kecil yang sederhana, yang keliatan remeh. Banyak orang-orang, terutama yang superficial, mengabaikan hal-hal kecil remeh ini, karena dia terpaku sama penampilan luar yang wow keren. Padahal… what makes the difference is… the details! Bayangin kalo loe lagi ngebandingin 2 mobil, dari luar penampakan dan bentuknya sama, keren, sporty. Tapi pas masuk dan bandingin fitur, yg 1 bisa lebih lengkap dibanding yg 1 nya lagi. Mahal dikit beli yang mana?

Lima

Jangan loe pikir orang2 yang kerja di kantor itu selalu sibuk sama pekerjaan. Look at me. Udah beberapa minggu belakangan, kebanyakan waktunya cuma buat chatting di WA sama temen.

Enam

Honesty is the best policy. Ini peribahasa udah lama, tapi akan selamanya relevan. Kalo ngga ngerti, jangan pura-pura ngerti. Nanya. Pepatah lama yang lain kan bilang: malu bertanya, sesat di jalan. Ga usah jaim kalo ngga ngerti, ngga ada orang yang maha tau kok. Sadar kalo kita ngga ngerti adalah langkah pertama menuju ngerti, karena waktu kita sadar kita ngga ngerti, kita akan berusaha untuk cari informasi dan belajar supaya ngerti. Ngerti maksud gw kan? Well, anyway, satu lagi tentang honesty, kalo salah, jangan Cuma bisa ngeles. Cari tau kenapa bisa salah. Cari akar permasalahannya. Explain. Trus perbaiki, supaya di masa depan, kesalahannya ngga terjadi lagi. Ini sikap yang langka banget ditemuin di orang-orang yang lagi diaudit, ngga peduli dia cungpret, atau kepala divisi.  

Last but Not Least

Dalam setiap hal, petik pelajarannya. Kadang situasi ngga seperti yang kita harapkan. But hey, it's life. Shit happens and people are often ridiculous. It's ok, karena justru itu lah life lessons kita. Dealing with shit, di tengah-tengah budaya korup, bebal dan ngga jujur. Tapi apakah kita mau ikutan jd korup, bebal & ngawur? Ngutip kata-katanya Agent John Myers di film Hellboy: What makes a man a man? Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them.

Have a blessed productive day!

Blessing in Disguise

I pissed off tonight, over bad traffic that held my bus from coming. Like usual, I took any transjakarta bus heading west to get to the railway station. Like any other days, I got out from office just a few minutes before 6 PM.  The bus stop was crowded, but it would usually dissolve in about 10 minutes. So I waited anyway. And got myself emotional when not less than 5 busses passed with already packed passengers inside. I decided to get off the bus stop and plan to order a grab bike. I cross that wide arterial road illegally with several women who seemed confuse and desperate to cross that damn road (the pedestrian bridge was closed and cut off several years ago due to some reasons I never know). Arrived at the other side of the road, I saw an empty bluebird parking by the roadside. I hurried there and knocked the window to get a rejection. The driver was taking a rest. Great! So I took out my cell and open the Grab app, thus mistakenly ordered a grab car. Coincidentally the car was stuck in traffic jam so I could cancel without guilt. After that, I ordered the right vehicle, waited several seconds and got myself a bike. Called the driver and found out that he was too far away from my location. Stupid GPS! Made another order, and nada. No bike took my order. Awesome. I was stranded. No bus, no taxi, no bike. I cursed everybody who rided a car in this downtown area as they were the culprit of all this mess. No signs of any public transport available, I walked to the nearest bus stop which is about 1 km away on the other side of the Semanggi interchange. I cursed and swore along the way. I feel like yelling to anyone that passed by. When finally got to the nearest bus stop, the condition looked better. Only a minute or two, a regular bus (Kopaja 19) arrived, with enough room for more passengers. I got on the stifled bus, with sweat dripping from head to waist. I sat next to a mother carrying a toddler. Upset due to the narrow space she left for me to sit. Fine, I thought, she carried a baby. Whatever. The bus roared and roamed the road as I tried to calm down. Saw the numerous car lights and felt my temper rose again. If I had to be stuck in another traffic jam after my struggle… God forbid. But it turned out the road was quite friendly toward the railway station. I opened my wallet to grab some money to pay the bus fare and dropped my debit cards which pissed me off again. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation. I cursed and cursed. I held my money with me and wonder where the hell was the driver’s assistant who would take the passengers’ payment? Fine! If it’s gonna be difficult to pay, I’d just get off the bus without paying.

The railway station was finally approached when the bus took a slight turn to the left side of the road and stopped. The old driver got off from his seat, and headed outside the bus after taking bus fares from several passengers in the front side of the bus, including me. Shoot, I thought, what is this? Shift change or something? Yeah right! Take ur time sir, ours are expendable!  

It turned out that the driver stopped for a while to collect the bus fares. Like I said, no assistant. That old man collected the payment from each passenger from the backside of the bus. When he finally came close to me, I could see his slightly crippled hand holding bank notes. He murmured to a passenger, apologized for his clumsy hands due to light stroke he had. And that was when I notice his torn shirt, his limp steps, crooked body and his white hair. Suddenly, I felt like a fire washed out by heaps of water. 

As the old driver crawled back to his driver seat alone, I felt sadness came over me…

It was one bad night for me. But for the old driver, it was just one of his usual days. Trapped for days and nights behind the hot steering wheel, without air conditioner, assistant, fixed basic salary, nor medical benefits… 

Does he have a family? Where does he live? Does he come home to have dinner? To sleep and relax after an exhausting day? Who took care of him while he was sick? At that age, shouldn’t he stay at home, watch TV and rest while watching over his grandchildren?

And there was I, cursing and swearing just because I had to walk 1 km which is good to burn my calories after eating that birthday cake. Just because I had to be late for dinner for half an hour, while that old driver might have not had any decent meals today.

I complained about the boredom I suffer, while some people might do anything to have what I have right now.

Isn’t it a blessing to use public transport and be among these people? Small, shabby and tired people, with their daily struggles in this cruel world, with their life burdens… the people and the life that God wants to touch until He sent His Son to be among them once…

I’ve been a bitch. I know.

But I feel blessed tonight. And I pray for everyone to be touched by God’s kindness. Especially those who are helpless yet still strive to live a righteous life.

Lenong Kantoran

Duh pak… ente mau nyari orang yg kayak apa sichh?

Dikasih yang ini salah, dikasih yang itu salah.

Emang ane kaga pengalaman urusan narik2in orang, tapi ane punya otak dan ane heran liat ente yang selalu nemuin cacat di orang yang ane kasih rekomendasi.

Katanya nyari orang finance. Tapi dikasih yang udah pada pengalaman di finance, ada aje yg bikin ente il-feel. Blunder lah kalo jawab pertanyaan, kutu loncat lah, tukang ngecap lah, kaga bisa bahasa Ingg lah, kaga ada kesan apa-apa lah…

Baru pas dikasih yang ente kenal, padahal bukan pengalaman di finance, ente bilang overqualified! Ane pengen banget nanya ente, jd kualifikasinya nyang mane pak? Kok ane bisa kaga tau selama ini, ampe udah manggil orang bejibun-jibun? Yg terakhir mah saking udah kepepet, beda ama kualifikasi pun kita sodorin ke ente. Nah lho??

Jagoan ane ente kaga selera, alesan: ga bisa cas cis cus bahasa Londo, kurang punya drive. Lha pak, katanya nyari orang finance, kok sekarang nyari driver?

Akhirnya ente terpaksa ngambil jagoan ane, karena bos ente mao juga. Kata ente, inget ya, dia harus lolos probation dulu lho!

Ya elah pak, emang ente dulu waktu jadi karyawan kaga lewatin probation dulu? Trus emangnya ente kalo empet ama tu orang pas probation, bakal diem-diem aje?

Pak, kalo ente mau jaminan atas masa depan seseorang di perusahaan ini, jangan minta dari HR pak, kite2 bukan cenayang kayak mama Loren. Kaga tau pak di masa depan ada apaan. Kalo ente mau pake assessment centre, monggo aja pak, tp asal tau aja, ada biayanya, trus hasilnya paling pol juga 65%. Dan itu bukan mekanisme standar pro-hire. Kan ente mestinya ngarti, katanya dulu ente di HR.

Kalo mau ideal, emang caranya kudu kayak toko sebelah yg beda industri, rekrut anak2 yang masih mentah, masukin assessment buat seleksi, trus didik di dalem sampe jadi. Nanti kalo ada kebutuhan, bisa langsung comot dari stock yang udah ada.

Tapi masalahnya pak, toko kita kaga begitu. Kalo toko sebelah pan punya gudang, gede lagi. Toko kita kan kiosnya minimalis, kalo beli stok grosiran, mo disimpen di mane? Kita mah cocoknya ngecer pak. Kalo butuh, baru beli.

Sori ya kalo ane salah. Ane ngaku, emang kaga punya pendidikan ato pengalaman di bidang perekrutan. Cuma berusaha mikir aja, pake logika ane yang terbatas dan ngga seberapa ini.

Good night Jekardah!

Let's Play Dumb

No matter how smart you are

Your boss is smarter

So just do the goddamned work

It pays good. For now.

And you don’t have to work overtime

Or worship satan.

Beatus Pascha

Akhirnya kelar juga rangkaian pekan suci yang gue nanti-nantikan. Mulai dari Kamis Putih, Jum’at Agung sampe Vigili Paskah. As usual, it was joyful. Meskipun badan serasa remek karena tiap kali mesti duduk di bangku kayu 1.5 – 2 jam sebelum misa dimulai, plus ngikutin misanya yg makan waktu sekitar 2 – 2.5 jam. 

Tapi gue happy, dan sedih waktu akhirnya semua rampung. Meskipun pekan suci kali ini ngga ada satu pun misa yg gue ikutin dipimpin Rogan, tapi pas Jum’at Agung dia nongol sekitar 40 menit sebelum misa mulai. Gue dah seneng aja karena gue kirain dia yang bakal mimpin misa bareng konselebran laennya. Taunya… dia Cuma mau ngasih wejangan panjang kali lebar, gegara ngga tahan kayaknya ngeliat umat yang duduk nunggu misa sambil : ngobrol and main game di HP. Sampe baju pun akhirnya ikut dikomentarin ama doi. Yang menurut gue rada ngga perlu. Gue selalu berpikir, yang penting isi hati orang. Kalo dia dateng misa dengan baju ala kadarnya tapi memang ada kerinduan buat ibadah, so what? Yeah well, I know Jum’at Agung itu ibadat raya yang kalo di Katolik lebih meriah dari Natal. Tapi mungkin, di antara puluhan ribu umat yg hari itu dateng misa, ada segelintir orang yang dateng dengan ‘peperangan’ mereka yang beda sama mainstream… Entahlah. Anyway, jadi tau betapa tegasnya si romo kalo udah nyangkut urusan liturgi. Somehow gue sempet ngerasa kayak anak SD yang lagi dimarahin sama Pak Guru karena ketauan ngga tertib di kelas ;p.

Pekan suci tahun ini gue kebagian dengerin koor yang indah. Jumat Agung & Vigili Paskah yang tugas DA choir. They sounded like real angels. Kadang jadi sentimental liat mereka. Udah ngga ada lagi angkatan lama yang gue kenal. Samasekali. So I started counting years. And to my surprise, it has been at least 11 years ago since my last service in that choir. God… time indeed flew before I knew it. And I kinda miss it.

Dan besok kembali lagi ke rutinitas ngantor, di mana gue bahkan belum lewat masa probation. Dan udah ngerasa agak jenuh… karena ngga punya temen hangout. Karena bos gue kadang clueless dan suka ngecap, yang bikin gue ngerasa jadi ngga yakin ama arahan doi. Tapi dia masih nyambung  sih dibanding si Cebol yang damaged beyond repair di bank tua itu.

Oiya… kemaren abis misa kan makan bareng Bibik & Babhiek’s fam (including mertuanya). Trus gue nanya soal VV. Mereka tuh masih ada apa udah bubar? Ternyata eh ternyata… sejak akhir taon kemaren mereka “resign” dari paroki KRST n PLKP, gara2 ada konflik sama dewan. Yang gue tangkep sih, ada 2 point yang paling crucial: ttg tempat latihan mereka yang no longer available di PLKP karena ruangannya mau dipake buat jadi semacem museum, dan lemari partitur dikeluarin ngga pake permisi. Trus ada lagi masalah konsernya VV di PLKP yang nyanyiin lagu-lagu daerah doank, yang akhirnya menuai kecaman dari dewan paroki, including si Rogan. Akhirnya, VV nya ngambek, ngga mau lagi pelayanan di dua paroki itu. Mereka konon pindah ngelayanin di paroki tetangga. Ya ampun... ternyata di gereja aja konfliknya rame ya cuy. Yang tadinya mikir kalo romo-romo itu tugasnya penuh hal-hal yang suci and dramatis such as combating Satan and his disciples, hahahaha… ternyata beda-beda tipis ama keseharian gue, yang harus deal with short minded, selfish and jaka sembung people. Berjuang supaya konsep yang bener ngga belok ngalor ngidul, biar kerjaan pada beres seperti yang seharusnya. Berjuang nyampein belief gue ke orang-orang yang frekuensi otaknya either sedikit melenceng atau ngga sinkron sama sekali, sambil tetep berusaha jaga hubungan baik. Karena meskipun gue bukan romo, tetep ngga enak rasanya kalo sampe harus nyakitin hati seseorang dan bikin hubungan jadi rusak, secara gue harus ngabisin hari-hari gue di tempat itu sama mereka. Kerja bareng, nyari makan yg halal bareng.

Ternyata bener, perutusan pengikut Tuhan itu more or less sama. Cuma beda di kemasan aja. Same shit different job. Hehe…

Yeah well… begitulah insight dari pengalaman pekan suci tahun ini. Semoga alunan merdu litani orang kudus dan percikan air suci di vigili paskah bisa terus tinggal di hati gue sebagai inspirasi, dan, seperti homili romo kemaren, senantiasa membawa gue kembali ke Galilea, to the place where I first fell in love thus decided to follow Him...

Beatus Pascha.