Saturday, July 13, 2013

Reaffirmation of Identity

I got it from the net and deeply touched by the rich description from the remarkably skilful writer. I'm having my struggle in search of inspiration, and lost myself a little in my new overwhelming environment. So this is merely personal affirmation, without any intentions to discredit anyone.

The Difference Between A Writer And Someone Who Writes

Jul. 12, 2011
A writer is not just someone who writes. In her head, it’s words all day. She sees the world not as a place made up of things but of words about those things. She knows more meaning is contained in a phrase like “poison friends” than a paragraph-long attempt at comparing emotional pain to a stab wound. A writer will divine a metaphor from a pattern on a dress, or a gesture, because sunsets have been done before. A writer understands the capacity for words to embolden, to eviscerate, to cut a man in half. A writer’s words have texture and an aesthetic – they mean one thing on paper and another in your mouth. A writer knows the word “perfume” has a scent, and “savory,” a flavor. She also knows that the technical term for making you taste her words is synesthesia, but she’d rather show you than tell you.
A writer’s mind is sticky, cavernous. It is a locus of constant invention and generation, but also of deconstruction and warfare. Its very synapses fire bullets between semicolons and periods. In the infancy of the day, or as it’s expelling its final breath, an errant phrase will show up there unannounced and become lodged in some furrow. It will keep the writer up at night, until she’s built a temple, or at the very least, a sand castle, around it.
A writer believes in truth but understands the utility of a lie. Someone who writes will think about a lie in terms of its anatomy: she’ll see it as something with dead legs, flayed on a cold steel table, reeking of that stuff we use now instead of formaldehyde, because formaldehyde will kill you, too. But a writer believes in a lie’s biology and knows it is still alive, animated by some preternatural aspiration, an amorphous mass of amorphous cells, dividing and multiplying and taking on some new architecture every time you look at it. A writer knows a lie doesn’t want to die.
Someone who writes writes from a place of common experience in a common language, beleaguered by tired phrases and obvious similes, for those we call in my day job “the mass market consumer.” This is the audience who rapid-fire tweets without adding commentary. A blogger writes for the Facebook share; a writer writes for mind share. But still, in a way, a writer writes for herself. She knows her best work will get the least traction because the mass market consumer didn’t study English literature and doesn’t have the means to do the heavy lifting of literary analysis. And that’s OK. She writes for them, too, but only because it’s a way in. It’s sort of like when Ryan Gosling does one Notebook for every four Blue Valentines. A writer knows you’ll get that analogy but kicks herself for drawing it.
Someone who writes writes as herself. A writer’s voice, on the other hand, is chameleon-like. She can write from the perspective of a nine-year-old child or a pair of hands and make you believe. A writer knows exactly what T.S. Eliot meant when he wrote, “Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.” A writer not only fashions the image of a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas, but could tease speech out of those waves and teach sign language to those claws. A writer drowns in deeper oceans.
Someone who writes understands writing in terms of something she does, not in terms of something she is. A writer is aware of the singular stuff of which her soul is composed, but will never shake that gnawing feeling of inadequacy. She will be at once inspired and made to feel inferior by other writers’ words. But she’ll never let that stop her. She’ll continue to see the poetry in a broken watch, or a dog with one blue eye and one brown. She will give you her heart on a Saturday night for the story she gets to tell on a Sunday afternoon.  She will give you her soul always. And she will give it to you in writing.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Faces and Names


It was perfect,
Really it was...
But now I miss those familiar faces
I miss the chaos and the noise
The crowds and the yells
This is too funny to be true
But freedom is indeed a choice
Like there's always tits for tats
Some lost for some gains
Free from one
Trapped in another...

I know this will take place
Though it was a perfect beginning
With every warm smile
And a sweet greeting
From those with mere faces and names...

Sunday, June 30, 2013

A New Beginning


Tomorrow's will be D day.
   First of July
      First day of the second half of the year
         First day in my new chapter

         Not as nervous as I imagined though
      Not  as obsessed as I was a few weeks before
   It's just something natural
Not unusual

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Hesitation


Remind me again why...
Why I decided to answer the knocking on the door
'Coz it's hazy sometimes
Being surrounded by those who find a hard time letting me go
It's not your fault
Nor theirs
It's merely my choice
And the knocking sound that wouldn't leave me alone
Don't ask why
For I may not be able to answer correctly right now
In case you haven't figured it out,
Every major change means a little death
And my mind starts to haunt my days and nights
While trying to catch just the precise image of you

Monday, June 24, 2013

Starting Over

H-5...
Perasaan gue makin ngga keruan. Antara excited dan cemas, mikirin bagaimana kelanjutan gue di tempat baru. I'm really leaving my comfort zone. Wow... this is big. Meskipun gue masih di bank yang sama, tapi pindah gedung dan pindah divisi ini feels as if I'm converting my faith. Haha...
This is big, because it's gonna be the first turning point in my life. The point where I eventually make a choice of my own. It's the second chance I could only dream of. It's the major I didn't afford to take some 15 years ago. And suddenly, the road is opened before my eyes. Tanpa gue rencanain, tanpa gue sangka-sangka. Makasih Tuhan.

Tapi rasa takutnya ngga bisa dipungkirin. Kadang pas lagi bengong di mobil gue mikir, gue udah ngambil keputusan yang beresiko banget. Karir gue di finance yang udah bertahun-tahun, sekarang gue belokin. Gue banting setir, ke jalur yang ngga gitu nyambung sama background pendidikan gue. Hmm... lebih tepatnya ngga nyambung sama sekali. Gimana kalo divisi baru gue ngga lebih baik dari divisi yang gue tinggalin? Gimana kalo kerjaan gue nanti ngga jelas? Gimana kalo unit gue ditutup karena satu dan lain hal? Gimana kalo bos gue ternyata ngga suka ama gue? Or worse, dia manipulatif dan cuma mau memanfaatkan gue. Gimana kalo orang-orang di sana ngga cocok sama gue? Segudang pikiran negatif wara-wiri di kepala gue. Dan somehow, entah kenapa hari ini kecemasan gue nyampe ke titik puncaknya dan turun. Alhasil, gue jadi pengen ketawa terus. Gue sendiri juga ngga tau hal lucu apa yang gue ketawain di samping fakta bahwa gue bisa aja mati gaya di tempat baru dalam waktu dekat ini. 

Out of the blue, I told myself that I should behave correctly in the new place. Why? Because lately, gue berkhayal kalau gue bisa jadi bintang. Gue terlalu bersemangat dan berpikir kalau gue pasti hebat ngerjain kerjaan yang baru, karena gue punya minat besar dan visi yang gue pikir cukup mulia. Yeah...right...
Darling, here's what you should remember:
One, you're a newby. And a snobbish newby is a major turnoff. Lupakan untuk jadi seperti loe di tempat yang sekarang, yang orang-orangnya sudah mengenal loe dengan cukup baik. Yang seluk-beluk pekerjaannya udah khatam di kepala loe. Bukan karena loe pinter banget, tapi karena loe nyaris jadi barang antik saking udah lamanya nangkring di situ.
Two, jam terbang loe di tempat yang baru = nol koma nol nol. Jangan pernah berpikir untuk jadi sotoy (sok tau), karena loe jelas belom tau apa-apa. Ngga ada yang lebih menyebalkan dari orang sotoy yang sebenernya ngga tahu apa-apa.
Three, jangan kebanyakan curcol. Loe belum tahu siapa yang bisa dipercaya dan ngga ember bocor.

Jadi, kesimpulannya: be subtle, be quiet, and just learn as much as you can. Oh, and one more thing: be patient. Mungkin, belom dalam waktu dekat gue bisa merasa nyaman dan enjoy. Mungkin, gue akan banyak melakukan kebodohan karena banyak ngga tahu ini itu. Tapi seperti spirit yang selalu ada di dalam hati kecil gue tiap kali gue melangkah ke tempat asing: I believe one day I will 'Conquer them all!'

Good night Jekardah!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Estranged Freak

Jakarta, on its 486th birthday

So...akhirnya plaza kuningan udah di depan mata. Tinggal seminggu lagi gue bakal pindah ke sana. Sebagai preliminary visit, kemaren gue pergi meeting ke sana, ketemu Bayu (calon bos gue), bukan buat ngebahas kerjaan gue di HR. Gue dateng ke situ masih sebagai duta besar Procurement, yang strukturnya pending di tangan gue.
Pagi-pagi gue udah dibikin disoriented ama salah satu pejabat Procurement kesayangan sang pimpinan (panggil aja si A). Gara-gara dia punya agenda buat nyuruh gue bikin slide tentang project2nya dia yang mau di-present ke baginda CEO hari Selasa minggu depan. Gue langsung manyun, dan bilang kalo gue ntar siang mau pergi ke Plaza Kuningan buat ngebahas struktur. Trus dia langsung pasang muka sok bingung plus heran, sambil nanya, kenapa jadi eloe yg ngerjain struktur ya Wi?
Dan pertanyaan dia spontan bikin gue ikutan bingung plus heran. Iya ya, kenapa gue yg repot banting tulang ngurusin struktur organisasinya Procurement? Tiba-tiba gue ngerasa jadi orang kepo dan sok penting, mentang-mentang bentar lagi bakal pindah ke HR ngurusin hal-hal yang exactly looks and smells like struktur procurement yg lagi gue kerjain. Entah apa intensi si A, yang pasti kalo tadinya dia berniat spy gue bantuin dia bikin slide, dia udah ngambil langkah yang super salah. Alhasil gue jadi hang hong, and kaga berhasil konsen sedikit pun ke slide yang lagi dia dikte-in. Ga lama kemudian, while I'm struggling buat nge-defrag isi kepala gue yg suddenly tumpang tindih, telepon pun berdering, dan suara Amalia orang audit (SKAI) bikin gue makin lemes. Dia ngingetin gue soal audit findings yang perlu di-follow up. Great!
Akhirnya, gue putusin buat nelepon Bayu to cancel the meeting. Krn gue pikir, siapa gue gitu loh? Struktur organisasi harusnya dikerjain ama Procurement Head, or at least seseorang dg level wakadiv. Knp gue? Yang cuma cecurut dan ngga punya kapasitas decision making. Gue kasih alasan gue ke Bayu sambil ketawa2, as if it didn't bother me too much. Tp di luar sangkaan gue, si Bayu kayaknya ngga agree, meskipun dia ngomongnya sih 'terserah'. Trus dia jelasin tujuannya meeting itu sbnrnya buat apa. And it all suddenly make sense. So...meetingnya ngga jadi batal deh.
Taking Mega's advice, gue ajak successor gw ke PlazKun buat nemenin gw meeting.

Sumpah bagusan GSI. Gue heran knp danamon mindahin isi GSI ke gedung dengan toilet imoet2 begitu, meskipun liftnya lebih lega dikit sih...
Pas pintu lift ngebuka di lt. 4, hati rasanya makin galau. Beda bgt ama GSI yg lebih cakep. Again, and again gue ngebandingin urusan ngga penting itu. Maybe it won't bother me that much kalo aja gue kenal baik semua orang-orang yang ada di situ.
Anyway, kita nunggu bentar di sofa deket pak satpam, sebelom akhirnya masuk ke working area. Pas masuk gue udh ngeliat someone yang dari dulu selalu gue anggap a bit irritating. Her name starts with M. We met several times in several cross divisions events, and I don't believe she doesn't recognize me. Yet she acted as if she didn't see me, let alone know who I was. Kegalauan meningkat, dari siaga 1 ke siaga 2. Nyampe dalem, gue ketemu Re dan ngerasa lega sedikit karena pembawaannya yang warm and always familiar. Gue ngeliat sekeliling and felt intimidated by the quietness. Ini orang2 pada belom balik makan siang (hellooo, udah jam 3 gitu bo), atau memang banyak bangku yang kosong?
Re nganterin kita ke bangkunya Bayu (yg juga kosong). Ternyata dia nempatin cubicle khusus, kayak yg ditempatin JW di MBD. Kita pun duduk di situ, nungguin partisipan meeting lainnya.

Buat yang kesekian kalinya, gue ngeliat-liat lagi ke sekeliling, and still didn't feel good. I felt estranged. belom apa-apa gue udah homesick. Gue kangen MBD, dan suasananya yang kayak pasar di area Procurement. Gosh!

You know, waktu gue akhirnya masuk jadi pegawai di MBD lebih dari 6 taon yang lalu, gue banggaaaaaa banget bisa kerja di gedung sekeren itu. Di sebelahnya hotel JW Marriott yang super cool, deket hotel Ritz Carlton yang bahkan lebih cool lagi. Sebulan (atau bahkan lebih) setelah mulai kerja, gue masih mimpiin gedung MBD yang indah itu, di tengah gedung-gedung pencakar langit laen yang tetanggaan sama dia. Glowing under the night stars...
dan penghuni lantai 6 yang begitu terasa familar, bikin suasana MBD makin pas di hati. I told myself I think I can work here forever.
Tapi ternyata cerita berubah dan gue sampe di satu titik di mana gue struggling abis-abisan untuk keluar dari MBD tanpa ada 1 orang pun yang berhasil menggoyang tekad gue yang udah bulet.

About a month ago, Plaza Kuningan terasa jauhhhh banget. As if it only exist in my dream. I didn't care if the building wasn't as good as MBD. But now, I know I will miss my beloved MBD, at least for a while... I also realize that,
There's something about MBD that kept me there for more than six years...
There's something about the building, how it's situated at one of few favorite spots in Jakarta
And there's something about JW's aura that fills the environment with joy and spirit...

So after numerous trials of leaving, I finally managed to move.
And here I am, facing my old enemy, who hates changes as much as a cat hates water.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

No Love Story


I can’t think of a love story that suits you best
As I find myself caught up in this frustrated city
With emptiness as the only loyal companion

It’s overwhelming, to see the world roves in exactly the opposite direction
Like a parade of circus waving at your presence
Your still, unseen and vague existence…

I gasp from beneath the ruins of what used to be complete
Battling for air and freedom
For the fulfillment my soul longs to own
Searching for certain minds that would meet mine
A group of embodied thoughts that would find their ways to a firm and unquestionable foundation

Perhaps it’s merely an illusion
A funny, strange illusion
That leads me to a tempestuous curiosity
Of a dozen of what-ifs
Of a bulk of what-would-it-be-likes

Thus in my sober time I seek for some love stories
To exclude you from a bundle of absurd imagination that plays with my mind
And still…
No love story suits you
Not even close…

Friday, March 15, 2013

The Path of Truth



Yesus berbicara kepadaku.
Lewat keheningan yang teduh, jauh di dalam hatiku...
Kugapai bayangNya, dan kukejar cahayaNya yang tak pernah pudar.
Dari antara sakit hati dan kecewaku yang membadai kupanggil namaNya
Hanya satu bisikku, tolong.
Tolong aku mengalahkan rasa pahit yang ditunggangi dunia tuk menyamarkan jejakMu.
Manusia lemah yang tinggal di dalamku tak pernah mampu memenangkan peperangan terkecil sekalipun.
Tolong aku, gantikan isi hatiku, dengan suaraMu dan dengan kata-kataMu yang mengatasi segala kebenaran dunia.
Aku bertanya, mengapa?
Dan Engkau menjawabku.
Bukan dalam kemegahan-kemegahan teori yang membodohkan.
Bukan dalam kenyamanan yang membius dan melumpuhkan.
Namun dalam kesederhanaan, yang kuhadapi bersama dengan tiap nafas yang kurengkuh.
Bersama hangatnya sinar mentari yang menepati janjinya setiap hari.
Bersama tiap pribadi yang Kau titipkan padaku untuk kukenal dan kusapa.
Kau bertanya mengapa aku bersedih?
Untuk logam-logam yang pada akhirnya akan musnah dimakan karat
Untuk ukuran dunia yang tak pernah Kupakai untuk menilai satu pun dari antara anak-anak yang Kukasihi.
Untuk jaminan-jaminan kecil yang tak sedikit pun punya kesanggupan tuk selamatkanmu.
Bukankah telingamu telah kausendengkan kepada kata-kataKu?
Yang kuperdengarkan kepadamu lewat sahabat-sahabatKu yang Kupertemukan denganmu, bukan karena kebetulan.
Masihkah kamu ragu kalau aku menempatkan kamu tepat di mana Aku menginginkanmu?
Tak percayakah kamu Aku bisa memberikan apa pun kepada siapa pun kalau Aku menghendakinya? Berapa banyak yang kamu minta yang tidak sanggup Aku berikan?
Semua adalah kepunyaanKu. Namun untukmu aku ingin yang paling berharga.
Aku.
Maka carilah Aku, karena Aku tidak pernah jauh darimu
Namun jalan yang Kutunjukkan kepadamu bukan jalan yang sama dengan yang mungkin kau bayangkan.
Yang kau pikir kau lihat ditempuh orang-orang yang benar
Bukankah Aku sendiri telah memanggilmu, dengan namamu, untuk melakukan pekerjaan yang telah Kuukirkan dalam jiwamu?
Apakah lagi yang kaucari?
Lihat Aku. Dengarkan suaraKu. Ikutlah Aku.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Back to Nature



Ah... my beloved pages 
The very corner that keeps me sane in this insane world
Finally I can get in touch with you again
After nearly losing myself
To the hustle and bustle of the days
To the meaningless efforts of placing myself under the spotlight
To not even the next best thing
But it’s all a gift
I shall put my hands up and say my gratitude
For every chance endowed to me
Just for being there and play a role
Just to touch those souls
With my bare hearts and fingers
Anyway...
Glad we meet again
Right here
Right now.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Gratitude




Guess it’s official now. It’s published. Finally...
It’s overwhelming, yes, it’s my dream finding its way to come true.
I can’t think much to say, so...
For those who have been the arms of God that touch me through inspiration, knout, prayer and encouragment: thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.
And for those who dream: seek, pray, and answer your calling.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Devil's Circle



Isn’t it strange?
To miss the past
And while doing that
We miss the present time
And send it to the past
Where they all will be just...
missed
also
Such a devils’s circle...

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Unpeaceful Moment

Hate it!
When my mind starts playing tricks on me
Yes, I know
It will all resolved at the end
But meanwhile,
I gotta face my demons
Hunt them down into exile

Hate it!
For being so upset
But not being able to blurt it out
And those tunes keep playing in my head
Like poison

I went through this once
Or twice..
Yet the breakthrough is ever buried
Under the dust of obliviousness
Now I have to re-run the scheme
In search of my peaceful self

Friday, January 25, 2013

Son of David



It feel so impossible...
Explaining You
Of who You are,
Of roads You’ve journeyed
Of those hidden promises
Given to those You’ve called
Each by name
You know my heart’s shattered
Every once in a while
Knowing the opposite paths taken
Which may never lead to You...
This urge...
Is nearly unbearable
You are too much to be contained
I had to let You burst out
Just tell me how
‘Coz I may never know what’s waiting
Every consequence that will eventually devour me
To the battle I’m never ready for...
You are the river
The fountain that never dries
Pour unto me
A sky of enlightenment
An ocean of patient
To bring Your beauty home

Weary



Empty...
Like this day
What to do..?
Feel so trapped and helpless
Not much of a journey

This repetition is driving me insane...
Wish to escape
And became a stranger
Stranded in a foreign land
Nobody tellin’ me no
Nobody expectin’ me to do the chores

Just go out and hang out
Live my life to the fullest

Just the selfish part of me...
Forgetting the obedient side
But can you blame me for wanting to be free

Just another unoccupied piece of life
Alone and a bit fed up
Of every inch traveled by the hands of time

Friday, January 18, 2013

Jurnal Galau





Jakarta kebanjiran. Again. And again.
Emang sepertinya bangsa ini ngga pernah mau belajar. Bebal. Keras kepala. Udah tau mana yang bener dan mana yang salah, tapi tetep pura-pura ngga tau. Mungkin suatu hari Jakarta bakal raib dari muka bumi, kayak Atlantis. Atau kayak daerah tempat tinggal Nuh dulu, yang penduduknya mencemooh Nuh karena ngebangun perahu segede Titanic di tengah musim kering.

Well, anyway, Puji Tuhan rumah keluarga gue ngga ada yang tergenang. Ngga kebayang kalo sampe harus perang sama air comberan setinggi pinggang di dalem rumah sendiri. Oh God, secara 2 minggu ngga ngepel lantai kamar aja rasanya hormon gue berantakan gara2 stress.

Tapi gara-gara banjir di mana-mana, gue stuck di rumah, ngga bisa ngantor karena ngga mau ngambil resiko mobil baru rusak lantaran dipaksa jadi amphibi di danau jadi-jadian di depan Citraland dan kampus Trisakti yang selalu jadi titik banjir yang paling fenomenal. Sedangkan angkot udah pada ngga beroperasi. It’s a wet hell, seriously. Gue udah pernah ngalamin gimana sengsaranya jalan kaki dari depan indosiar sampe komplek taman palem di ring road cengkareng sambil ngerobok banjir gara-gara motor mantan pacar gue mogok di tengah jalan. Gue masih inget gimana dongkolnya ama situs Detik.com karena sebelum jalan pulang gue baca laporan kalau genangan di jalan daan mogot itu setinggi 20 cm saja. Entah wartawan edan mana yang posting itu berita, yang pasti genangan di jalan daan mogot ngerendem motor yang gue naikin sampe knalpotnya tenggelam and mesinnya mati. Coba dikira-kira sendiri yah berapa dalem itu kubangan.
Berbekal pengalaman itu lah, gue menetapkan strategi risk management untuk diam di rumah selama banjir masih tinggi di mana-mana.

Karena punya akses internet di rumah, gue berinisiatif ngecek e-mail kantor. Ternyata isinya keren-keren. Satu yang paling keren adalah masalah data accrual akhir tahun yang gue kerjain. Being a first timer in this accrual thing, gue belom paham di mana aja ranjau2nya. Konsepnya sebenernya sederhana aja, it’s basic accounting dan gue pede gue bisa handle semuanya. Gue udah biasa bikin laporan yang kompleks dari data yang jumlahnya bisa sampe 20 ribu record gitu lho. This one should be easier. Ternyata oh ternyata! Gue baru aware kalo data ini menjamah hajat hidup orang banyak di seluruh tanah air. Salah sedikit aja, impactnya luar biasa. And guess what. Gue melakukan banyak kesalahan, yang sepertinya bisa bikin divisi gue dicap tolol and kaga becus sama  rakyat se-Indonesia.
So there I was, bacain e-mail pertanyaan soal angka2 dan jurnal2 yang ngga match sambil nahan mules, berharap ngga ada siapa-siapa yang jadi korban kesalahan alokasi beban or accrual gue (misalnya bonus satu divisi ada yang dipotong karena P&Lnya jeblok gara2 bebannya kegedean, gara2 salah jurnal).

Lesson learned: It sucks being the one who makes mistakes. Rasanya pengen marah-marah, teriak sumpah serapah, nyari kambing item atau ngelimpahin kesalahan sama orang yang ikut andil dalam kasus ini. Tapi... sayangnya gue ngga pengen jadi seperti kebanyakan orang. Kalau gue balikin posisi gue, let’s say gue jadi orang yang dirugikan atau direpotin dengan kesalahan gue, atau jadi orang yang terlibat di kerjaan itu, yang niatnya bantuin tapi ternyata bikin kesalahan yang ngga disengaja. Kira-kira apa yang gue harap dilakukan seorang Widya? Kalo gue pihak yang dirugikan, gue jelas bakal lebih bete kalo si pelaku kesalahan ngga mau ngaku dan malah lempar2 kesalahan, bukannya ngasih solusi. Kalo gue pihak yang direpotin, gue pengen si pelaku kesalahan ngasih penjelasan yang jelas, supaya gue juga tahu langkah apa yang harus dilakukan buat solusinya. Dan kalo gue pihak yang terlibat, gue jelas ngga mau kena disalah-salahin and dijadiin kambing item.
So, ini challenge buat gue. Gue harus buktiin kalo gue ngga main politik, apa pun bentuknya. Kalo bener ya bener, kalo salah ya salah. Biar aja semua orang anggap gue or divisi gue o’on, tapi gue akan selesain masalahnya, sampe tuntas. Dan gue akan belajar dari pengalaman, spy next time kalo gue pegang accrual lagi, no more such mistakes.