Truce

Dear my old enemy,

Dr. Seus said, "sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."
Tonight, this quote reminded me of you. The one I once despiced so much 'till I swore to run away as far as I can once I had my chance.
I had it, and I did run away...

Now I miss the hustle and bustle, the pressure and the burdens you got me into...
That was the moment when I eventually know how far I could be stretched. How the pressure had provoked my potentials into performance.

Thank you old enemy of mine, for giving me the exposures, ones I didn't prefer at first but then enriched my experience and knowledge.

So then, it's a truce?
Yeah. I guess. But I still hope we will never again have any professional relationships.
I'll just treasure you in my memory. God bless you, wherever you are.

Asin

Kata dia: kerja di perusahaan yang pegawainya puluhan ribu itu kayak menggarami laut. Ngga asin-asin...

Kata gue: kerja di perusahaan yang pegawainya seiprit dengan bos kayak dia, sama juga kayak menggarami laut.

Stay

Ah... it's so tempting to walk out, again...

It's awful down here

I was honored when you told me the good news

Felt alive once again

But my friend, I think this is not my time yet

So, hardly must I say

Just leave me here for a while

And let me face my nightmare 

Live to Tell

Ok, impian buat belajar tentang kerjaan yang bunyinya kayak position title gw, sepertinya mesti gw lupain untuk sementara. Gw kaga yakin bos gw tau apa yang harus dia lakukan sebagai Kepala Divisi, atau bahkan sebagai people manager. Setelah kerja bareng dia setengah taon lebih, gw belajar banyakkkk hal, kecuali yg gw sebut di atas:

Satu

Ngga usah kekeuh kalo bos beda keyakinan sama loe. Percuma, kalo loe maksa, yang ada dia jadi sebel ama loe, besok-besok dia ogah ngajak loe diskusi lagi. Belom lagi kalo loe udah kekeuh, salah pula! Kelar lah karir loe. Selama keyakinan dia masih bisa ditolerir (meskipun agak bodoh, kurang efektif dan efisien tapi ngga melibatkan pelanggaran hukum atau hak asasi manusia), ya sudah lah… Tuhan tau loe lebih pinter, ngga usah nyari panggung buat tampil.

Dua

On becoming a good people manager: kenalin kemampuan dan kapasitas anak buah. Orang pinter memang cenderung ngeselin. Entah gayanya yang sok tau, sifatnya yang skeptic, suka melawan dan membangkang, ngga sabaran dll. But you know what? Mereka cuma butuh dimengerti dan diperlakukan dengan jujur. Kalo loe merasa insecure dengan sikap mereka2 ini, mungkin… loe belom siap jadi people manager. Atau, loe mungkin Cuma kurang pinter.

Tiga

On becoming a good people manager no. 2: se-limited apa pun kemampuan anak buah, hargain pendapat dan masukan mereka. Kadang mereka ada benernya, mungkin karena mereka udah sangat terbiasa dengan pekerjaan rutin mereka, ada detil yang mereka tau, yang loe ngga aware. Keep open, ngga usah defensive, after all, you’re the boss.

Empat

Segala sesuatu ada logikanya. Kalo bicara soal kerjaan, sepanjang pengalaman dan pengamatan gw, sebesar apa pun suatu kerjaan, pasti di dalemnya ada detil-detil kecil yang sederhana, yang keliatan remeh. Banyak orang-orang, terutama yang superficial, mengabaikan hal-hal kecil remeh ini, karena dia terpaku sama penampilan luar yang wow keren. Padahal… what makes the difference is… the details! Bayangin kalo loe lagi ngebandingin 2 mobil, dari luar penampakan dan bentuknya sama, keren, sporty. Tapi pas masuk dan bandingin fitur, yg 1 bisa lebih lengkap dibanding yg 1 nya lagi. Mahal dikit beli yang mana?

Lima

Jangan loe pikir orang2 yang kerja di kantor itu selalu sibuk sama pekerjaan. Look at me. Udah beberapa minggu belakangan, kebanyakan waktunya cuma buat chatting di WA sama temen.

Enam

Honesty is the best policy. Ini peribahasa udah lama, tapi akan selamanya relevan. Kalo ngga ngerti, jangan pura-pura ngerti. Nanya. Pepatah lama yang lain kan bilang: malu bertanya, sesat di jalan. Ga usah jaim kalo ngga ngerti, ngga ada orang yang maha tau kok. Sadar kalo kita ngga ngerti adalah langkah pertama menuju ngerti, karena waktu kita sadar kita ngga ngerti, kita akan berusaha untuk cari informasi dan belajar supaya ngerti. Ngerti maksud gw kan? Well, anyway, satu lagi tentang honesty, kalo salah, jangan Cuma bisa ngeles. Cari tau kenapa bisa salah. Cari akar permasalahannya. Explain. Trus perbaiki, supaya di masa depan, kesalahannya ngga terjadi lagi. Ini sikap yang langka banget ditemuin di orang-orang yang lagi diaudit, ngga peduli dia cungpret, atau kepala divisi.  

Last but Not Least

Dalam setiap hal, petik pelajarannya. Kadang situasi ngga seperti yang kita harapkan. But hey, it's life. Shit happens and people are often ridiculous. It's ok, karena justru itu lah life lessons kita. Dealing with shit, di tengah-tengah budaya korup, bebal dan ngga jujur. Tapi apakah kita mau ikutan jd korup, bebal & ngawur? Ngutip kata-katanya Agent John Myers di film Hellboy: What makes a man a man? Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them.

Have a blessed productive day!

Blessing in Disguise

I pissed off tonight, over bad traffic that held my bus from coming. Like usual, I took any transjakarta bus heading west to get to the railway station. Like any other days, I got out from office just a few minutes before 6 PM.  The bus stop was crowded, but it would usually dissolve in about 10 minutes. So I waited anyway. And got myself emotional when not less than 5 busses passed with already packed passengers inside. I decided to get off the bus stop and plan to order a grab bike. I cross that wide arterial road illegally with several women who seemed confuse and desperate to cross that damn road (the pedestrian bridge was closed and cut off several years ago due to some reasons I never know). Arrived at the other side of the road, I saw an empty bluebird parking by the roadside. I hurried there and knocked the window to get a rejection. The driver was taking a rest. Great! So I took out my cell and open the Grab app, thus mistakenly ordered a grab car. Coincidentally the car was stuck in traffic jam so I could cancel without guilt. After that, I ordered the right vehicle, waited several seconds and got myself a bike. Called the driver and found out that he was too far away from my location. Stupid GPS! Made another order, and nada. No bike took my order. Awesome. I was stranded. No bus, no taxi, no bike. I cursed everybody who rided a car in this downtown area as they were the culprit of all this mess. No signs of any public transport available, I walked to the nearest bus stop which is about 1 km away on the other side of the Semanggi interchange. I cursed and swore along the way. I feel like yelling to anyone that passed by. When finally got to the nearest bus stop, the condition looked better. Only a minute or two, a regular bus (Kopaja 19) arrived, with enough room for more passengers. I got on the stifled bus, with sweat dripping from head to waist. I sat next to a mother carrying a toddler. Upset due to the narrow space she left for me to sit. Fine, I thought, she carried a baby. Whatever. The bus roared and roamed the road as I tried to calm down. Saw the numerous car lights and felt my temper rose again. If I had to be stuck in another traffic jam after my struggle… God forbid. But it turned out the road was quite friendly toward the railway station. I opened my wallet to grab some money to pay the bus fare and dropped my debit cards which pissed me off again. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation. I cursed and cursed. I held my money with me and wonder where the hell was the driver’s assistant who would take the passengers’ payment? Fine! If it’s gonna be difficult to pay, I’d just get off the bus without paying.

The railway station was finally approached when the bus took a slight turn to the left side of the road and stopped. The old driver got off from his seat, and headed outside the bus after taking bus fares from several passengers in the front side of the bus, including me. Shoot, I thought, what is this? Shift change or something? Yeah right! Take ur time sir, ours are expendable!  

It turned out that the driver stopped for a while to collect the bus fares. Like I said, no assistant. That old man collected the payment from each passenger from the backside of the bus. When he finally came close to me, I could see his slightly crippled hand holding bank notes. He murmured to a passenger, apologized for his clumsy hands due to light stroke he had. And that was when I notice his torn shirt, his limp steps, crooked body and his white hair. Suddenly, I felt like a fire washed out by heaps of water. 

As the old driver crawled back to his driver seat alone, I felt sadness came over me…

It was one bad night for me. But for the old driver, it was just one of his usual days. Trapped for days and nights behind the hot steering wheel, without air conditioner, assistant, fixed basic salary, nor medical benefits… 

Does he have a family? Where does he live? Does he come home to have dinner? To sleep and relax after an exhausting day? Who took care of him while he was sick? At that age, shouldn’t he stay at home, watch TV and rest while watching over his grandchildren?

And there was I, cursing and swearing just because I had to walk 1 km which is good to burn my calories after eating that birthday cake. Just because I had to be late for dinner for half an hour, while that old driver might have not had any decent meals today.

I complained about the boredom I suffer, while some people might do anything to have what I have right now.

Isn’t it a blessing to use public transport and be among these people? Small, shabby and tired people, with their daily struggles in this cruel world, with their life burdens… the people and the life that God wants to touch until He sent His Son to be among them once…

I’ve been a bitch. I know.

But I feel blessed tonight. And I pray for everyone to be touched by God’s kindness. Especially those who are helpless yet still strive to live a righteous life.

Lenong Kantoran

Duh pak… ente mau nyari orang yg kayak apa sichh?

Dikasih yang ini salah, dikasih yang itu salah.

Emang ane kaga pengalaman urusan narik2in orang, tapi ane punya otak dan ane heran liat ente yang selalu nemuin cacat di orang yang ane kasih rekomendasi.

Katanya nyari orang finance. Tapi dikasih yang udah pada pengalaman di finance, ada aje yg bikin ente il-feel. Blunder lah kalo jawab pertanyaan, kutu loncat lah, tukang ngecap lah, kaga bisa bahasa Ingg lah, kaga ada kesan apa-apa lah…

Baru pas dikasih yang ente kenal, padahal bukan pengalaman di finance, ente bilang overqualified! Ane pengen banget nanya ente, jd kualifikasinya nyang mane pak? Kok ane bisa kaga tau selama ini, ampe udah manggil orang bejibun-jibun? Yg terakhir mah saking udah kepepet, beda ama kualifikasi pun kita sodorin ke ente. Nah lho??

Jagoan ane ente kaga selera, alesan: ga bisa cas cis cus bahasa Londo, kurang punya drive. Lha pak, katanya nyari orang finance, kok sekarang nyari driver?

Akhirnya ente terpaksa ngambil jagoan ane, karena bos ente mao juga. Kata ente, inget ya, dia harus lolos probation dulu lho!

Ya elah pak, emang ente dulu waktu jadi karyawan kaga lewatin probation dulu? Trus emangnya ente kalo empet ama tu orang pas probation, bakal diem-diem aje?

Pak, kalo ente mau jaminan atas masa depan seseorang di perusahaan ini, jangan minta dari HR pak, kite2 bukan cenayang kayak mama Loren. Kaga tau pak di masa depan ada apaan. Kalo ente mau pake assessment centre, monggo aja pak, tp asal tau aja, ada biayanya, trus hasilnya paling pol juga 65%. Dan itu bukan mekanisme standar pro-hire. Kan ente mestinya ngarti, katanya dulu ente di HR.

Kalo mau ideal, emang caranya kudu kayak toko sebelah yg beda industri, rekrut anak2 yang masih mentah, masukin assessment buat seleksi, trus didik di dalem sampe jadi. Nanti kalo ada kebutuhan, bisa langsung comot dari stock yang udah ada.

Tapi masalahnya pak, toko kita kaga begitu. Kalo toko sebelah pan punya gudang, gede lagi. Toko kita kan kiosnya minimalis, kalo beli stok grosiran, mo disimpen di mane? Kita mah cocoknya ngecer pak. Kalo butuh, baru beli.

Sori ya kalo ane salah. Ane ngaku, emang kaga punya pendidikan ato pengalaman di bidang perekrutan. Cuma berusaha mikir aja, pake logika ane yang terbatas dan ngga seberapa ini.

Good night Jekardah!

Let's Play Dumb

No matter how smart you are

Your boss is smarter

So just do the goddamned work

It pays good. For now.

And you don’t have to work overtime

Or worship satan.

Beatus Pascha

Akhirnya kelar juga rangkaian pekan suci yang gue nanti-nantikan. Mulai dari Kamis Putih, Jum’at Agung sampe Vigili Paskah. As usual, it was joyful. Meskipun badan serasa remek karena tiap kali mesti duduk di bangku kayu 1.5 – 2 jam sebelum misa dimulai, plus ngikutin misanya yg makan waktu sekitar 2 – 2.5 jam. 

Tapi gue happy, dan sedih waktu akhirnya semua rampung. Meskipun pekan suci kali ini ngga ada satu pun misa yg gue ikutin dipimpin Rogan, tapi pas Jum’at Agung dia nongol sekitar 40 menit sebelum misa mulai. Gue dah seneng aja karena gue kirain dia yang bakal mimpin misa bareng konselebran laennya. Taunya… dia Cuma mau ngasih wejangan panjang kali lebar, gegara ngga tahan kayaknya ngeliat umat yang duduk nunggu misa sambil : ngobrol and main game di HP. Sampe baju pun akhirnya ikut dikomentarin ama doi. Yang menurut gue rada ngga perlu. Gue selalu berpikir, yang penting isi hati orang. Kalo dia dateng misa dengan baju ala kadarnya tapi memang ada kerinduan buat ibadah, so what? Yeah well, I know Jum’at Agung itu ibadat raya yang kalo di Katolik lebih meriah dari Natal. Tapi mungkin, di antara puluhan ribu umat yg hari itu dateng misa, ada segelintir orang yang dateng dengan ‘peperangan’ mereka yang beda sama mainstream… Entahlah. Anyway, jadi tau betapa tegasnya si romo kalo udah nyangkut urusan liturgi. Somehow gue sempet ngerasa kayak anak SD yang lagi dimarahin sama Pak Guru karena ketauan ngga tertib di kelas ;p.

Pekan suci tahun ini gue kebagian dengerin koor yang indah. Jumat Agung & Vigili Paskah yang tugas DA choir. They sounded like real angels. Kadang jadi sentimental liat mereka. Udah ngga ada lagi angkatan lama yang gue kenal. Samasekali. So I started counting years. And to my surprise, it has been at least 11 years ago since my last service in that choir. God… time indeed flew before I knew it. And I kinda miss it.

Dan besok kembali lagi ke rutinitas ngantor, di mana gue bahkan belum lewat masa probation. Dan udah ngerasa agak jenuh… karena ngga punya temen hangout. Karena bos gue kadang clueless dan suka ngecap, yang bikin gue ngerasa jadi ngga yakin ama arahan doi. Tapi dia masih nyambung  sih dibanding si Cebol yang damaged beyond repair di bank tua itu.

Oiya… kemaren abis misa kan makan bareng Bibik & Babhiek’s fam (including mertuanya). Trus gue nanya soal VV. Mereka tuh masih ada apa udah bubar? Ternyata eh ternyata… sejak akhir taon kemaren mereka “resign” dari paroki KRST n PLKP, gara2 ada konflik sama dewan. Yang gue tangkep sih, ada 2 point yang paling crucial: ttg tempat latihan mereka yang no longer available di PLKP karena ruangannya mau dipake buat jadi semacem museum, dan lemari partitur dikeluarin ngga pake permisi. Trus ada lagi masalah konsernya VV di PLKP yang nyanyiin lagu-lagu daerah doank, yang akhirnya menuai kecaman dari dewan paroki, including si Rogan. Akhirnya, VV nya ngambek, ngga mau lagi pelayanan di dua paroki itu. Mereka konon pindah ngelayanin di paroki tetangga. Ya ampun... ternyata di gereja aja konfliknya rame ya cuy. Yang tadinya mikir kalo romo-romo itu tugasnya penuh hal-hal yang suci and dramatis such as combating Satan and his disciples, hahahaha… ternyata beda-beda tipis ama keseharian gue, yang harus deal with short minded, selfish and jaka sembung people. Berjuang supaya konsep yang bener ngga belok ngalor ngidul, biar kerjaan pada beres seperti yang seharusnya. Berjuang nyampein belief gue ke orang-orang yang frekuensi otaknya either sedikit melenceng atau ngga sinkron sama sekali, sambil tetep berusaha jaga hubungan baik. Karena meskipun gue bukan romo, tetep ngga enak rasanya kalo sampe harus nyakitin hati seseorang dan bikin hubungan jadi rusak, secara gue harus ngabisin hari-hari gue di tempat itu sama mereka. Kerja bareng, nyari makan yg halal bareng.

Ternyata bener, perutusan pengikut Tuhan itu more or less sama. Cuma beda di kemasan aja. Same shit different job. Hehe…

Yeah well… begitulah insight dari pengalaman pekan suci tahun ini. Semoga alunan merdu litani orang kudus dan percikan air suci di vigili paskah bisa terus tinggal di hati gue sebagai inspirasi, dan, seperti homili romo kemaren, senantiasa membawa gue kembali ke Galilea, to the place where I first fell in love thus decided to follow Him...

Beatus Pascha.

Reminder

Satan is working

                 Yeah... tell me something I don't know

he's working on you too

Latepost

Opinions, opinions, opinions...

It’s just so suffocating these days. With all the news in every social media. I don’t know which one is more addictive, the social media, or the gadgets. I don’t seem to be able to get my hands off my cell phone, especially when I have so much unnoccupied time. Yeah, thanks to my manager and this big yet small organization.

Anyway, it’s about the divorce news. And me being so judgmental. And habitually, I question just everything that disrupts my peace of mind.

So why am I so pissed with the news? At first came the denial. I didn’t want to believe it, wishing it was a bad hoax. I don’t care if any other couples got divorced. It’s not hard giving them excuses. But this couple... they have a special place in my heart. I’ve seen God’s affectionate work through the husband. He’s alrady like a living saint. An example of obedience towards God.

But no. Unfortunately, it was not a bad hoax. As simple as it is, it was just another broken marriage.

People say, it’s common. Meaning, no one is perfect. Everybody can face so many horrible conditions in their lives, they have to survive and keep living, even if it means being disobedient to God. Sin is not a deadly decease nowadays after all... is it? So maybe, I should chill out a little and don’t make it such a big deal.

Shouldn’t I?

Well... I do have to stop judging. It’s not my portion nor my right to judge others. Who knows I would fall even farther than any other when faced with the same temptation. . Honestly I am indeed afraid of that. That’s one of the root cause why I’m pissed.

And the other root cause is, my unfulfilled high expectation. I guess I’ve expected too much from a mere human being. But why have I expected too much?

Probably if not most likely, I always want to see the best in people. I’m aware that, being trapped in this flesh and bones is hard. So hard it feels like a curse sometimes. But. As a priest once said, we can’t let ourselves trapped all the time in the situation where we blame everything on the flesh. Yes, we are only humans. But God has promised to give the Holy Spirit to everyone who simply asks. So, eventually, this is a matter of freewill. We are given a choice. As much as we are human beings with all the flaws, we are also creatures of light, equipped by God to fight sins and evil. Isn’t that our commitment when we decide to follow His path?

Warming Up

Day 3.

Bener kan kata gue, kelamaan mesin ngga dipanasin, jadinya dingin deh. Udah hari ke-3 dan gue masih ngga tau mau ngapain. Udah dapet arahan dikit-dikit dari bos, tapi kok kayaknya gue bego... ngga tau mau ngobok apaan, atau ngutak-ngatik barang yang mana gitu...

Dan AC nya, damn, kenapa di tiap gedung kantor gue selalu bermasalah dengan temperatur ruangannya ya. Ini salah 1 faktor yang bikin gue susah produktif. Kebayang kan kalo gue mesti ngedudukin telapak tangan gue supaya ngga kedinginan, trus gimana mau ngetik-ngetik di laptop, geser-geser mouse? Hhhh....

Kalo mesin dingin, ada 1 penyakit yang juga ngga kalah mengganggunya sama kedinginan. NGANTUK! OmG... tau donk kalo gue udah ngantuk sampe mata lengket susah kebuka? Jangan harap bisa mikir lah ya. Trus di sini cubiclenya ngga setinggi tembok Berlin kayak waktu di perusahaan yang lama, jadi kalo mau merem, gue rada ngga nyaman alias mokal. Padahal kalo ngga dimeremin, itu ngantuk ngga ilang-ilang dan gue akan terus dalam mode bego cenderung idiot.

Gosh... i feel so useless. I blame my previous boss for this haha! Si bolot anak bau kencur yang diangkat jadi manager tapi ngga siap ngehadapain teamnya yang analyst dengan gaya mereka yang dikit-dikit mikir, nanya cenderung nyecer, trus ngritik. Jadi karena ngga bisa jawab pertanyaan anak-anak, si bos cuma senyum, ngeles dengan ngumpet di belakang nama bos gede, dan nutup semua diskusi dengan kesimpulan misterius, yang cuma dia sama Tuhan yang tau. Alhasil, anak-anak jadi males diskusi. Ibarat lagi nyetir, jalanan semua ditutup. Maju ngga bisa, mundur ngga bisa. So? Ya matiin mesin dulu aja lah, tidur di mobil sampe jalanan bisa dilewatin.

Yah, anyway, itu lah keluh kesah gue di hari ketiga di kantor baru.

Sekarang, gue mau manasin mesin gue. Makanya gue nulis nih pagi-pagi. Biasa mesin gue bisa anget dengan nulis.

Jadi, gue bener-bener berharap gue ngga jadi kutu loncat lagi kali ini. I really want to believe that my present boss is a good person, and a good manager. Yes, ada banyak kekurangan lah di company ini. Dari sisi jumlah orang, kurang  bergengsi, indeed. Kan beda yah gengsinya kalo kerja di perusahaan yang karyawannya ribuan. Like you’re a part of something so big. Tapi seperti Rene Suhardono bilang, kenapa sih kita harus mengidentifikasi diri kita dengan tempat kerja dan semua embel-embel yang bukan diri kita sendiri? Doesn’t matter where I work, if I’m good, then I’m good.

Malah, di jaman now, gue rasa jumlah karyawan yang bejibun udah bukan sesuatu yang bisa dijadikan kebanggan. Secara sekarang perusahaan modelnya makin lean, makin efisien. Inget kan sama slogan-slogan yang bunyinya kayak gini: Perusahaan taxi tapi ngga punya mobil, jaringan hotel tapi ngga punya akomodasi, dlsb? Yah, something like that lah.

Sebenernya di sini ruang gerak gue lebih bebas. Bos gue orangnya cukup open (semoga. At least gue tau mantan mentor terbaik gue suka ama dia). Akses internet di sini cihuy banget meskipun securitynya agak dipertanyakan (hahaha). E-mail idup banget. Hari ketiga aja e-mail gue udah banyak. Terhibur deh gue ngeliatnya. Akhirnya gue kembali ke peradaban setelah di previous company harus menyesuaikan diri sama jaman analog di mana orang lebih banyak komunikasi langsung tanpa lewat media digital.

So actually, I can explore anything I wish to know. Gue bisa kepoin semua yang gue mau. Secara di sini juga orang-orangnya asik, ngga defensif, santai aja. Gue bisa start dengan baca peraturan-peraturan, pelajarin dashboard si AW, baca semua e-mail, siapa tau dari sana gue dapet informasi berharga. And the last but not least... use my imagination, as always, to light my fire. Turn on the radio, and let’s dance with the mind!

Semangat! God speed! Salam kerja! Kerja! Kerja!