Beatus Pascha

Akhirnya kelar juga rangkaian pekan suci yang gue nanti-nantikan. Mulai dari Kamis Putih, Jum’at Agung sampe Vigili Paskah. As usual, it was joyful. Meskipun badan serasa remek karena tiap kali mesti duduk di bangku kayu 1.5 – 2 jam sebelum misa dimulai, plus ngikutin misanya yg makan waktu sekitar 2 – 2.5 jam. 

Tapi gue happy, dan sedih waktu akhirnya semua rampung. Meskipun pekan suci kali ini ngga ada satu pun misa yg gue ikutin dipimpin Rogan, tapi pas Jum’at Agung dia nongol sekitar 40 menit sebelum misa mulai. Gue dah seneng aja karena gue kirain dia yang bakal mimpin misa bareng konselebran laennya. Taunya… dia Cuma mau ngasih wejangan panjang kali lebar, gegara ngga tahan kayaknya ngeliat umat yang duduk nunggu misa sambil : ngobrol and main game di HP. Sampe baju pun akhirnya ikut dikomentarin ama doi. Yang menurut gue rada ngga perlu. Gue selalu berpikir, yang penting isi hati orang. Kalo dia dateng misa dengan baju ala kadarnya tapi memang ada kerinduan buat ibadah, so what? Yeah well, I know Jum’at Agung itu ibadat raya yang kalo di Katolik lebih meriah dari Natal. Tapi mungkin, di antara puluhan ribu umat yg hari itu dateng misa, ada segelintir orang yang dateng dengan ‘peperangan’ mereka yang beda sama mainstream… Entahlah. Anyway, jadi tau betapa tegasnya si romo kalo udah nyangkut urusan liturgi. Somehow gue sempet ngerasa kayak anak SD yang lagi dimarahin sama Pak Guru karena ketauan ngga tertib di kelas ;p.

Pekan suci tahun ini gue kebagian dengerin koor yang indah. Jumat Agung & Vigili Paskah yang tugas DA choir. They sounded like real angels. Kadang jadi sentimental liat mereka. Udah ngga ada lagi angkatan lama yang gue kenal. Samasekali. So I started counting years. And to my surprise, it has been at least 11 years ago since my last service in that choir. God… time indeed flew before I knew it. And I kinda miss it.

Dan besok kembali lagi ke rutinitas ngantor, di mana gue bahkan belum lewat masa probation. Dan udah ngerasa agak jenuh… karena ngga punya temen hangout. Karena bos gue kadang clueless dan suka ngecap, yang bikin gue ngerasa jadi ngga yakin ama arahan doi. Tapi dia masih nyambung  sih dibanding si Cebol yang damaged beyond repair di bank tua itu.

Oiya… kemaren abis misa kan makan bareng Bibik & Babhiek’s fam (including mertuanya). Trus gue nanya soal VV. Mereka tuh masih ada apa udah bubar? Ternyata eh ternyata… sejak akhir taon kemaren mereka “resign” dari paroki KRST n PLKP, gara2 ada konflik sama dewan. Yang gue tangkep sih, ada 2 point yang paling crucial: ttg tempat latihan mereka yang no longer available di PLKP karena ruangannya mau dipake buat jadi semacem museum, dan lemari partitur dikeluarin ngga pake permisi. Trus ada lagi masalah konsernya VV di PLKP yang nyanyiin lagu-lagu daerah doank, yang akhirnya menuai kecaman dari dewan paroki, including si Rogan. Akhirnya, VV nya ngambek, ngga mau lagi pelayanan di dua paroki itu. Mereka konon pindah ngelayanin di paroki tetangga. Ya ampun... ternyata di gereja aja konfliknya rame ya cuy. Yang tadinya mikir kalo romo-romo itu tugasnya penuh hal-hal yang suci and dramatis such as combating Satan and his disciples, hahahaha… ternyata beda-beda tipis ama keseharian gue, yang harus deal with short minded, selfish and jaka sembung people. Berjuang supaya konsep yang bener ngga belok ngalor ngidul, biar kerjaan pada beres seperti yang seharusnya. Berjuang nyampein belief gue ke orang-orang yang frekuensi otaknya either sedikit melenceng atau ngga sinkron sama sekali, sambil tetep berusaha jaga hubungan baik. Karena meskipun gue bukan romo, tetep ngga enak rasanya kalo sampe harus nyakitin hati seseorang dan bikin hubungan jadi rusak, secara gue harus ngabisin hari-hari gue di tempat itu sama mereka. Kerja bareng, nyari makan yg halal bareng.

Ternyata bener, perutusan pengikut Tuhan itu more or less sama. Cuma beda di kemasan aja. Same shit different job. Hehe…

Yeah well… begitulah insight dari pengalaman pekan suci tahun ini. Semoga alunan merdu litani orang kudus dan percikan air suci di vigili paskah bisa terus tinggal di hati gue sebagai inspirasi, dan, seperti homili romo kemaren, senantiasa membawa gue kembali ke Galilea, to the place where I first fell in love thus decided to follow Him...

Beatus Pascha.

Reminder

Satan is working

                 Yeah... tell me something I don't know

he's working on you too

Latepost

Opinions, opinions, opinions...

It’s just so suffocating these days. With all the news in every social media. I don’t know which one is more addictive, the social media, or the gadgets. I don’t seem to be able to get my hands off my cell phone, especially when I have so much unnoccupied time. Yeah, thanks to my manager and this big yet small organization.

Anyway, it’s about the divorce news. And me being so judgmental. And habitually, I question just everything that disrupts my peace of mind.

So why am I so pissed with the news? At first came the denial. I didn’t want to believe it, wishing it was a bad hoax. I don’t care if any other couples got divorced. It’s not hard giving them excuses. But this couple... they have a special place in my heart. I’ve seen God’s affectionate work through the husband. He’s alrady like a living saint. An example of obedience towards God.

But no. Unfortunately, it was not a bad hoax. As simple as it is, it was just another broken marriage.

People say, it’s common. Meaning, no one is perfect. Everybody can face so many horrible conditions in their lives, they have to survive and keep living, even if it means being disobedient to God. Sin is not a deadly decease nowadays after all... is it? So maybe, I should chill out a little and don’t make it such a big deal.

Shouldn’t I?

Well... I do have to stop judging. It’s not my portion nor my right to judge others. Who knows I would fall even farther than any other when faced with the same temptation. . Honestly I am indeed afraid of that. That’s one of the root cause why I’m pissed.

And the other root cause is, my unfulfilled high expectation. I guess I’ve expected too much from a mere human being. But why have I expected too much?

Probably if not most likely, I always want to see the best in people. I’m aware that, being trapped in this flesh and bones is hard. So hard it feels like a curse sometimes. But. As a priest once said, we can’t let ourselves trapped all the time in the situation where we blame everything on the flesh. Yes, we are only humans. But God has promised to give the Holy Spirit to everyone who simply asks. So, eventually, this is a matter of freewill. We are given a choice. As much as we are human beings with all the flaws, we are also creatures of light, equipped by God to fight sins and evil. Isn’t that our commitment when we decide to follow His path?

Warming Up

Day 3.

Bener kan kata gue, kelamaan mesin ngga dipanasin, jadinya dingin deh. Udah hari ke-3 dan gue masih ngga tau mau ngapain. Udah dapet arahan dikit-dikit dari bos, tapi kok kayaknya gue bego... ngga tau mau ngobok apaan, atau ngutak-ngatik barang yang mana gitu...

Dan AC nya, damn, kenapa di tiap gedung kantor gue selalu bermasalah dengan temperatur ruangannya ya. Ini salah 1 faktor yang bikin gue susah produktif. Kebayang kan kalo gue mesti ngedudukin telapak tangan gue supaya ngga kedinginan, trus gimana mau ngetik-ngetik di laptop, geser-geser mouse? Hhhh....

Kalo mesin dingin, ada 1 penyakit yang juga ngga kalah mengganggunya sama kedinginan. NGANTUK! OmG... tau donk kalo gue udah ngantuk sampe mata lengket susah kebuka? Jangan harap bisa mikir lah ya. Trus di sini cubiclenya ngga setinggi tembok Berlin kayak waktu di perusahaan yang lama, jadi kalo mau merem, gue rada ngga nyaman alias mokal. Padahal kalo ngga dimeremin, itu ngantuk ngga ilang-ilang dan gue akan terus dalam mode bego cenderung idiot.

Gosh... i feel so useless. I blame my previous boss for this haha! Si bolot anak bau kencur yang diangkat jadi manager tapi ngga siap ngehadapain teamnya yang analyst dengan gaya mereka yang dikit-dikit mikir, nanya cenderung nyecer, trus ngritik. Jadi karena ngga bisa jawab pertanyaan anak-anak, si bos cuma senyum, ngeles dengan ngumpet di belakang nama bos gede, dan nutup semua diskusi dengan kesimpulan misterius, yang cuma dia sama Tuhan yang tau. Alhasil, anak-anak jadi males diskusi. Ibarat lagi nyetir, jalanan semua ditutup. Maju ngga bisa, mundur ngga bisa. So? Ya matiin mesin dulu aja lah, tidur di mobil sampe jalanan bisa dilewatin.

Yah, anyway, itu lah keluh kesah gue di hari ketiga di kantor baru.

Sekarang, gue mau manasin mesin gue. Makanya gue nulis nih pagi-pagi. Biasa mesin gue bisa anget dengan nulis.

Jadi, gue bener-bener berharap gue ngga jadi kutu loncat lagi kali ini. I really want to believe that my present boss is a good person, and a good manager. Yes, ada banyak kekurangan lah di company ini. Dari sisi jumlah orang, kurang  bergengsi, indeed. Kan beda yah gengsinya kalo kerja di perusahaan yang karyawannya ribuan. Like you’re a part of something so big. Tapi seperti Rene Suhardono bilang, kenapa sih kita harus mengidentifikasi diri kita dengan tempat kerja dan semua embel-embel yang bukan diri kita sendiri? Doesn’t matter where I work, if I’m good, then I’m good.

Malah, di jaman now, gue rasa jumlah karyawan yang bejibun udah bukan sesuatu yang bisa dijadikan kebanggan. Secara sekarang perusahaan modelnya makin lean, makin efisien. Inget kan sama slogan-slogan yang bunyinya kayak gini: Perusahaan taxi tapi ngga punya mobil, jaringan hotel tapi ngga punya akomodasi, dlsb? Yah, something like that lah.

Sebenernya di sini ruang gerak gue lebih bebas. Bos gue orangnya cukup open (semoga. At least gue tau mantan mentor terbaik gue suka ama dia). Akses internet di sini cihuy banget meskipun securitynya agak dipertanyakan (hahaha). E-mail idup banget. Hari ketiga aja e-mail gue udah banyak. Terhibur deh gue ngeliatnya. Akhirnya gue kembali ke peradaban setelah di previous company harus menyesuaikan diri sama jaman analog di mana orang lebih banyak komunikasi langsung tanpa lewat media digital.

So actually, I can explore anything I wish to know. Gue bisa kepoin semua yang gue mau. Secara di sini juga orang-orangnya asik, ngga defensif, santai aja. Gue bisa start dengan baca peraturan-peraturan, pelajarin dashboard si AW, baca semua e-mail, siapa tau dari sana gue dapet informasi berharga. And the last but not least... use my imagination, as always, to light my fire. Turn on the radio, and let’s dance with the mind!

Semangat! God speed! Salam kerja! Kerja! Kerja!

Veni Veni Emmanuel

So what’s the difference between a fiction and a non-fiction?

Which one is more boring?

I really don’t have the answer to that question. But maybe, it depends on how intriguing is the writing. How the words and sentences intertwine and provoke inspirations and ideas thus conjure an enjoyable moment of enlightenment.

I don’t have enough time to go through a fiction with sufficient quality nowadays, though I miss it so much ‘till my bones ache sometimes…

But I need to write. To keep my sanity.

It’s Christmas. And the weather is far from snowing. It’s probably 38 degrees Celsius out there.

It’s Christmas, and it has always been a burden. Christmas means jingle bells. Presents. Festive dinner. Laughter with friends and family members.

But down here… everything is just… ordinary.

No glittering trees.

No turkey.

No laughter…

The only festive thing for me at Christmas is the Christmas vigil mass. And that’s it. A couple of hours where I can enjoy the peaceful moment of Christmas. No burden. Just the liturgy, the choir, the psalms, the holy communion, and last but not least, the sermon from the priest.

Ah… the priest. That guy is somewhat a wonder for me. He makes me think deeply and question my fleshly constraints. He has an incredibly charming physical appearance. Coincidentally my type. And my sisters’ (LOL).

It’s quite annoying for me to face the fact that he’s actually many women’s type. And I mean, many… many women. Young and old, single and married. Pretty insane indeed.

And every time I attend his service, I get all messed up with curiosity and desire of knowing him further. I began to wonder why a totally handsome man like him doesn’t have the vocation to build a family of his own. You know, living a normal life, dating pretty girls, making out, get married and get laid, raising children and wish you were dead every once in a while.

In the contrary… he seems to have a different mindset. A little further away from the mainstream. And the questions start bugging me. Like, is he gay? A woman broke his heart severely that it couldn’t heal anymore? Does he simply have a vision about what kind of hell hole a marriage life can be? Or, the last alternative that I can think of, he really is called from the very first place. I’m a believer, so I do believe in fate. God has chosen him, called him, and made him His apostle.

So, what’s it like to be called by the Father, father? 

Does He tell you what to do each day? 

How do you know His plans and designs for you? 

Does He touch your heart in a way that words fail to describe? 

What is He like in your mind’s eyes? 

Through your long journey of study, you may have the big picture already, about Him. That same God who called me also, but through a different path. 

How does He sound? Like thunder? Or breeze?

You seem so devout father. You believe not only in those written in the Holy Scriptures, but in all the teachings of the church and the saints. Have you unveiled the big mystery of this universe father?

When was the first time you hear His calling?

Does it hurt you father, having to fight your flesh each and every day?

How do you deal with those who covet you inappropriately?

Does it break you to embrace Him unconditionally while witnessing all the gruesome works of this world?

I envy you father. And I fell asleep with that envy last night. I wonder if God has a plan to cross our paths. I’ve been trying to reach you virtually but no doors seemed to be opened. I wonder if you would share what your spirit has encountered. 

May I see God through your eyes? 

May I hear Him through your ears? 

May I feel Him through your heart?

This is beyond material world father. It’s my spirit, trying to connect with yours...

Anyway father, thank you for your short yet sweet message for us all last night at the mass. Like always, you have me at every speech.

And so the cheers and happiness of Christmas doesn’t mean that we deny our problems and struggles. But it is due to knowing that within those everyday struggles, God is born. He has come, to stay and be with us all through our journey. Emmanuel.

Expedition Neverland

Why we keep looking for the ‘right one’
A friend of mine said, there is no neverland. Forget it.
I agree. No neverland. But I still believe in Heaven. Yeah I know, it’s not here on earth.

But hope, indeed has more lives than cats. A lot more. Far more… It dies but live again, over and over and over…
Like forgiveness in the bible, that we have to give endlessly, no matter how much we have given, even to the exact same person. We must keep forgiving, unconditionally.

Anyway, I realize that maybe I haven’t been flexible all these times. I’m rigid, inconsiderate, impulsive, impatient, defensive. Maybe. Well at least someone said that to me just a few days ago when I told her I want to leave to try my luck, pursuing my dream, taking another opportunity that knocks on my door in quite a sudden manner indeed.
They said, maybe I dream too much, imagining things that are not there. Maybe I got too emotional thus made a wrong decision. Maybe I didn’t think about it in the right way. I should be receptive and be patient with things that don’t meet my expectation. I should have decided to stay.

And miss out the opportunity.

And stop trying to know what it’s like on the other side of the fence, who knows there are indeed monsters like they say…

And forget about the facts that the world with me in it is changing rapidly right before our very eyes, so I should keep moving in order to keep up.

And stay where I am a little longer, wishing for the people to change into the persons they are not.

So, why on earth am I still deciding to look for neverland, regardless of its non-existence?
Maybe, because I have a hope, that can not die. It always believes that I can always reach for something better.
Maybe… that hope will die once I meet the fact on the other side of the fence. But I know, after a while, it will grow again, little by little, until it has enough strength to make me leap again in search for my destiny.

So… seek… and thou shall find.

Have faith!

Rainy Monday

Ketaatan iman…
Begitu kata Romo di misa Hari Raya Kristus Raja Sabtu sore yang lalu.
Sambil terkantuk-kantuk karena fisik yang agak capek setelah seharian aktivitas, suara romo yang tenang dan adem masuk ke telinga gue dan somehow bikin gue tergugah buat merhatiin lebih cermat.
Akal budi saja tidak akan cukup…
Kenapa?
Semua manusia punya akal budi dan pengetahuan. Akal budi membuat manusia bertengkar dan berselisih, demi mempertahankan kebenaran masing-masing, yang seringkali memang sama-sama benar.
Aha! So true romo… kata gue dalam hati…
Ketaatan iman. Kata-kata itu mulai masuk lebih dalam… into my soul, and my spirit.
Jadi apa maksudnya ketaatan iman?
Agak bergerak lebih jauh dari isi homili romo, gue mau sedikit membagi pendapat gue soal yang satu ini.
Ketaatan iman, ngga begitu aja dateng ke setiap orang beragama. In fact, sepertinya ini bisa ngga ada hubungannya sama agama seseorang.
Ketaatan iman, berasal dari Dia, yang kita panggil Tuhan. The Eternal One. The Supreme Power. Causa Prima. Or whatever others may call Him.
Karena kalau mau ngikutin porsinya otak manusia (yang notabene cuma terpakai 10%), yang muat Cuma pengetahuan. Apa yang bisa diterima sama indera-indera kita, yang sudah ada, dan tinggal kita kenali lebih detil, kita pilah dan kita golongkan. Terbatas sama hal-hal yang sudah ada. Existing. Sedikit lebih maju dari pengetahuan, ada imajinasi, yang sebenarnya juga berakar dari pengetahuan. Melalui apa yang sudah kita kenal dan kita alami, kita mix and match lah hal-hal itu, jadi sesuatu yang mungkin belum ada saat ini. But those are all within our brain’s capacity. Perceive, create and re-create.
Nah, kalau bicara soal iman, ini artinya kita perlu bergerak lebih jauh dari otak kita. Iman bukan made in this world. Iman, ngga ada di otak manusia. Hm… atau mungkin ada, somewhere di 90% area yang selama ini belum pernah terpakai.
Pernah merasa yakin kalau orang itu adalah orang yang akan jadi pasangan hidup kita, regardless of all the terms and condition yang ngga terpenuhi?
Pernah merasa yakin kalau pilihan karir kita sepertinya harus belok ke arah yang kurang masuk akal?
Pernah merasa setengah mati pingin banget melakukan sesuatu yang salah tapi ujung-ujungnya tetep stay di tempat yang bener?
Well guys, gue rasa itu lah iman. Tumbuh dari pengetahuan tentang Tuhan dan pekerjaanNya. Diasah sama Roh yang mendampingi kita tanpa kelihatan. Yah, ini bagian tersulitnya memang… ngga keliatan… karena manusia punya atribut alami yang selalu ingin melihat, sebelum mau nerima.
I’ve lived for 38 years now. Udah liat banyak. Udah ngalamin banyak juga. Sekarang dunia lagi gonjang-ganjing karena perubahan begitu banyak, begitu drastis dan menakutkan… Apa yang dulu salah mendadak jadi bener. Dan sebaliknya. Yang dulu Cuma khayalan, sekarang kenyataan.
Panik?
Well… if you’re a mediocre human who believe in your 10% brain capacity only, surely you can’t help but to be panic.
Tapi ada kabar baik buat kamu yang sudah punya pengalaman sama imannya. No worries guys, those robots may replace humans with knowledge. But they can’t replace your wisdom. And they definitely knows nothing about faith and the unseen holy spirit.

Work Is...

Kerjaan itu kayak makanan.
Kalo kebanyakan bisa muntah.
Kalo terlalu sedikit kelaperan.
Kalo ngga ada...
Lama-lama mati cuy...

Probably Heaven

Maybe… this is what happens to the chosen ones in Heaven before they are sent to Earth…
God : (Reading from list while tick marking names, perhaps in alphabetical order. Days have passed with abundant turmoil in the assignment fields. Piles of reports are floating and glistening around Him. He exhales deeply, clear His throat and with His thundering and fearful voice He calls the name.)
  Felicity!
A soul flies in. A white light flickers above her head, and all over her skin. She looks restless, excited, curious…
Felicity : Aye, My Lord! How can I be at your service?
God : (Gives a close look to Felicity from behind a pair of glasses that ease His eyes to read. Silent for a moment, then He snaps His fingers to summon a humongous book, with gold ink carved on its seemingly heavy cover.)
  This is your handbook for your assignment. And this, (snaps His fingers one more time to summon a white envelope, sealed with the sign of the cross.) is the details of your assignment.
Felicity : (Receives the two items, which are indeed heavy, with a gasp. She waits for God to say more, expecting some complicated instructions to be jotted down. But instead, God steps backward, reached for His chair and fetch the pen to tick mark the list, ready for another assignee…
Felicity : ehem… hm…?
God : Yes? You have a problem finding the way out?
Felicity : (Confused and feels disoriented) Pardon me Sir… but… in case You haven’t noticed, I haven’t been given any trainings for this assignment. I believe this is a very serious and tough one. That’s what folks say.. So, at least You can give me some guidance or some sorts before I go.
God : (Puts away the list and the pen for a while. Once more, He looks Felicity closely, this time with arms folded).  I have assigned another soul to be your guidance there.
Felicity : Is that so? And… Are You gonna introduce me to that person?
God : No (without blinking). Not now.
Felicity : But, this is… a bit overwhelming actually Sir… I mean, You do want me to succeed the assignment, right?
God : Of course. You go and accomplish your assignment. After that, you will be taken home here, and get all your rewards from Me, Myself. And remember not to breach any of the procedures and regulations written in that book. Otherwise, you will fail the assignment. And, if that happens, sadly, I can not let you stay here anymore.
After saying the last sentence, He looks mournful, as if the statement has come into reality. Felicity wonders how many have failed the assignment before her? Suddenly she has panic attack, looking at the humongous book.
Felicity : But sir… seriously? I don’t have even the tiniest idea about the procedures in this book! (Her voice trembles as if she’s going to cry at anytime).
God : (Gives a magical calming look to Felicity). I will equip you with everything you need… Just don’t break the rules, ask for anything that you need for the assignment. I will give it to you. Trust me.
Felicity : (Getting a lot calmer). I see… (Reaches her communication gadget). So, what’s your number?
God : (Clears His throat and sighs almost unnoticeably). Hm, there might be a bit of a problem with the communication line between here and your assignment location. Due to many interference and the extreme distance. You might not be able to hear my voice, at least not clearly. But no worry, I can always hear yours. So, say and ask anything you want, to Me.
With hesitation, finally Felicity left the chamber where God drowns Himself days and nights in His works.
Before the door closes behind her, she feels an urge to see God one more time. So she turns around to meet God’s loving face staring at her. He smiles and says, “Always remember who you are, my child. And always believe in Me.”

Remember...

Let's get drowned in work
Spare no space for temptation
Pray for the rain to stop, for the howling wind to calm down
So when the atmosphere is finally clear
with that colorful arc of the everlasting covenant
Once again we are reminded of who we are...

Nostalgia

the song sounded familiar in my ears
too familiar... yet it felt like coming from several previous lives i might have experienced
so i closed my eyes, recalling those notes, bound together like droplets of memories
and i recalled you
you, from the past, and still live in my mere past...
it's always wonderful to leave a story behind
like some old chapters waiting to be red in a right time...
and now, I arrive at the end of the pages
wasn't as i expected. But indeed a happy ending
it wasn't you all along. Never been you at all.
it was just my imagination of you
that got me fallen for a while
just to gain another enlightenment
in this journey of mine called life...