Rainy Monday

Ketaatan iman…
Begitu kata Romo di misa Hari Raya Kristus Raja Sabtu sore yang lalu.
Sambil terkantuk-kantuk karena fisik yang agak capek setelah seharian aktivitas, suara romo yang tenang dan adem masuk ke telinga gue dan somehow bikin gue tergugah buat merhatiin lebih cermat.
Akal budi saja tidak akan cukup…
Kenapa?
Semua manusia punya akal budi dan pengetahuan. Akal budi membuat manusia bertengkar dan berselisih, demi mempertahankan kebenaran masing-masing, yang seringkali memang sama-sama benar.
Aha! So true romo… kata gue dalam hati…
Ketaatan iman. Kata-kata itu mulai masuk lebih dalam… into my soul, and my spirit.
Jadi apa maksudnya ketaatan iman?
Agak bergerak lebih jauh dari isi homili romo, gue mau sedikit membagi pendapat gue soal yang satu ini.
Ketaatan iman, ngga begitu aja dateng ke setiap orang beragama. In fact, sepertinya ini bisa ngga ada hubungannya sama agama seseorang.
Ketaatan iman, berasal dari Dia, yang kita panggil Tuhan. The Eternal One. The Supreme Power. Causa Prima. Or whatever others may call Him.
Karena kalau mau ngikutin porsinya otak manusia (yang notabene cuma terpakai 10%), yang muat Cuma pengetahuan. Apa yang bisa diterima sama indera-indera kita, yang sudah ada, dan tinggal kita kenali lebih detil, kita pilah dan kita golongkan. Terbatas sama hal-hal yang sudah ada. Existing. Sedikit lebih maju dari pengetahuan, ada imajinasi, yang sebenarnya juga berakar dari pengetahuan. Melalui apa yang sudah kita kenal dan kita alami, kita mix and match lah hal-hal itu, jadi sesuatu yang mungkin belum ada saat ini. But those are all within our brain’s capacity. Perceive, create and re-create.
Nah, kalau bicara soal iman, ini artinya kita perlu bergerak lebih jauh dari otak kita. Iman bukan made in this world. Iman, ngga ada di otak manusia. Hm… atau mungkin ada, somewhere di 90% area yang selama ini belum pernah terpakai.
Pernah merasa yakin kalau orang itu adalah orang yang akan jadi pasangan hidup kita, regardless of all the terms and condition yang ngga terpenuhi?
Pernah merasa yakin kalau pilihan karir kita sepertinya harus belok ke arah yang kurang masuk akal?
Pernah merasa setengah mati pingin banget melakukan sesuatu yang salah tapi ujung-ujungnya tetep stay di tempat yang bener?
Well guys, gue rasa itu lah iman. Tumbuh dari pengetahuan tentang Tuhan dan pekerjaanNya. Diasah sama Roh yang mendampingi kita tanpa kelihatan. Yah, ini bagian tersulitnya memang… ngga keliatan… karena manusia punya atribut alami yang selalu ingin melihat, sebelum mau nerima.
I’ve lived for 38 years now. Udah liat banyak. Udah ngalamin banyak juga. Sekarang dunia lagi gonjang-ganjing karena perubahan begitu banyak, begitu drastis dan menakutkan… Apa yang dulu salah mendadak jadi bener. Dan sebaliknya. Yang dulu Cuma khayalan, sekarang kenyataan.
Panik?
Well… if you’re a mediocre human who believe in your 10% brain capacity only, surely you can’t help but to be panic.
Tapi ada kabar baik buat kamu yang sudah punya pengalaman sama imannya. No worries guys, those robots may replace humans with knowledge. But they can’t replace your wisdom. And they definitely knows nothing about faith and the unseen holy spirit.

Work Is...

Kerjaan itu kayak makanan.
Kalo kebanyakan bisa muntah.
Kalo terlalu sedikit kelaperan.
Kalo ngga ada...
Lama-lama mati cuy...

Probably Heaven

Maybe… this is what happens to the chosen ones in Heaven before they are sent to Earth…
God : (Reading from list while tick marking names, perhaps in alphabetical order. Days have passed with abundant turmoil in the assignment fields. Piles of reports are floating and glistening around Him. He exhales deeply, clear His throat and with His thundering and fearful voice He calls the name.)
  Felicity!
A soul flies in. A white light flickers above her head, and all over her skin. She looks restless, excited, curious…
Felicity : Aye, My Lord! How can I be at your service?
God : (Gives a close look to Felicity from behind a pair of glasses that ease His eyes to read. Silent for a moment, then He snaps His fingers to summon a humongous book, with gold ink carved on its seemingly heavy cover.)
  This is your handbook for your assignment. And this, (snaps His fingers one more time to summon a white envelope, sealed with the sign of the cross.) is the details of your assignment.
Felicity : (Receives the two items, which are indeed heavy, with a gasp. She waits for God to say more, expecting some complicated instructions to be jotted down. But instead, God steps backward, reached for His chair and fetch the pen to tick mark the list, ready for another assignee…
Felicity : ehem… hm…?
God : Yes? You have a problem finding the way out?
Felicity : (Confused and feels disoriented) Pardon me Sir… but… in case You haven’t noticed, I haven’t been given any trainings for this assignment. I believe this is a very serious and tough one. That’s what folks say.. So, at least You can give me some guidance or some sorts before I go.
God : (Puts away the list and the pen for a while. Once more, He looks Felicity closely, this time with arms folded).  I have assigned another soul to be your guidance there.
Felicity : Is that so? And… Are You gonna introduce me to that person?
God : No (without blinking). Not now.
Felicity : But, this is… a bit overwhelming actually Sir… I mean, You do want me to succeed the assignment, right?
God : Of course. You go and accomplish your assignment. After that, you will be taken home here, and get all your rewards from Me, Myself. And remember not to breach any of the procedures and regulations written in that book. Otherwise, you will fail the assignment. And, if that happens, sadly, I can not let you stay here anymore.
After saying the last sentence, He looks mournful, as if the statement has come into reality. Felicity wonders how many have failed the assignment before her? Suddenly she has panic attack, looking at the humongous book.
Felicity : But sir… seriously? I don’t have even the tiniest idea about the procedures in this book! (Her voice trembles as if she’s going to cry at anytime).
God : (Gives a magical calming look to Felicity). I will equip you with everything you need… Just don’t break the rules, ask for anything that you need for the assignment. I will give it to you. Trust me.
Felicity : (Getting a lot calmer). I see… (Reaches her communication gadget). So, what’s your number?
God : (Clears His throat and sighs almost unnoticeably). Hm, there might be a bit of a problem with the communication line between here and your assignment location. Due to many interference and the extreme distance. You might not be able to hear my voice, at least not clearly. But no worry, I can always hear yours. So, say and ask anything you want, to Me.
With hesitation, finally Felicity left the chamber where God drowns Himself days and nights in His works.
Before the door closes behind her, she feels an urge to see God one more time. So she turns around to meet God’s loving face staring at her. He smiles and says, “Always remember who you are, my child. And always believe in Me.”

Remember...

Let's get drowned in work
Spare no space for temptation
Pray for the rain to stop, for the howling wind to calm down
So when the atmosphere is finally clear
with that colorful arc of the everlasting covenant
Once again we are reminded of who we are...

Nostalgia

the song sounded familiar in my ears
too familiar... yet it felt like coming from several previous lives i might have experienced
so i closed my eyes, recalling those notes, bound together like droplets of memories
and i recalled you
you, from the past, and still live in my mere past...
it's always wonderful to leave a story behind
like some old chapters waiting to be red in a right time...
and now, I arrive at the end of the pages
wasn't as i expected. But indeed a happy ending
it wasn't you all along. Never been you at all.
it was just my imagination of you
that got me fallen for a while
just to gain another enlightenment
in this journey of mine called life...

The Ungrateful City

Barangkali gw memang egois pengen si no. 2 yang menang pemilihan. Mungkin, emang rakyat Jakarta yang lebih punya hati. Masyarakat Indonesia belum siap untuk diajak berjujur ria. Terlalu pandai. Terlalu banyak kepentingan. Kejujuran Cuma slogan, yang lebih sering dikunci di gudang buat jadi barang lapuk, baru diambil kalo perlu pernak-pernik buat kampanye. Semuanya menyerukan nama kudus Dia yang dulu tak berani disebut oleh bangsa Ibrani, karena terlalu dahsyat, dan ngeri. Tapi nabi-nabi palsu tidak takut. Bagi mereka, Tuhan itu tak lebih dari mitos. Gimana ngga. Mereka belum pernah ketemu. Belum pernah ngobrol. Dan belum pernah ngerasa ditampar saat mereka melanggar perintahNya. Mereka percaya sama apa yang bias mereka sentuh, pegang dan rasakan. Yang bias senantiasa mendatangkan manfaat dan kebaikan buat daging-daging mereka. Seperti uang. Ya, uang, pastinya. Jama sekarang ngga punya uang? Ke laut aja deh loe. Ya ngga?

Jadi balik lagi, kalau kamu lebih percaya Tuhan ketimbang uang sampe ngga mau kompromi samasekali buat hal-hal yang ngga sejalan sama ketentuan Dia… kamu orang aneh. Ngga waras. Berbahaya. Perlu disingkirkan…

Si no. 2 pun masuk ke jalur para martir. Dihakimi, difitnah, diberi kesaksian dusta. Buat apa?

Buat ngebersihin sungai-sungai dari sampah. Buat ngebenahin pasar dan ngusir preman. Buat meniadakan pungutan liar. Buat mengusir banjir. Buat mindahin penduduk pemukiman kumuh yang sarat penyakit ke apartemen yang jauh lebih layak tinggal…

Sakit hati? Iya. Saya sakit hati. Karena saya melihat pekerjaan Tuhan lewat dia, tapi manusia memilih untuk berpaling ke pekerjaan setan.

Aku bertanya padaNya, kenapa? Kenapa Kau memilih untuk kalah, membiarkan yang jahat yang menang? Apa salahnya sih sekali-sekali unjuk gigi? Kasih mereka liat, siapa Tuhan. Biar aja ada yang jadi tiang garam. Atau gosong di tempat. Sekali-sekali aja… Apa Tuhan ngga empet liat mereka yang sok pinter dan memutarbalikkan kebenaran? Dulu Tuhan empet sama bangsa Israel yang kerjanya bersungut-sungut ngga tau terima kasih. Kenapa sekarang Kau memilih untuk diam?

Ingin rasanya mengutuk kota ini biar dikasih hujan api dan belerang kayak Sodom dan Gomorah yang isinya orang jahat semua. Tapi di kota ini masih ada 40% orang yang masih suka kebenaran. Termasuk gw dan anggota keluarga gw. 

Jadi untuk mereka kah Kau memilih untuk diam? Atau untuk si no. 2 yang sangat Kau kasihi itu? Supaya dia terbebas dari penderitaan dimusuhin dan dihujat orang-orang karena mengerjakan apa yang benar di hadapanMu.

Yah, mungkin mereka yang ngga milih si no. 2, sebetulnya kasihan sama dia. Jadi daripada seorang baik menderita, lebih baik kita ramai-ramai menderita dibohongi para penguasa yang ngaku-ngaku percaya Tuhan, tapi kelakuan dan keputusan mereka lebih dipengaruhi sama iblis. Tokh… perjalanan kita di dunia ini Cuma sementara. Ngga terlalu lama. Selebihnya, adalah penghakiman terakhir buat para penguasa lalim, dan semua yang ngga pernah mau ngambil kesempatan buat bertobat.

Dying Inside

This life is killing me...

No wonder there're no such things as immortals

In My Sober Times

In my sober times, when I think of you…
I wish you were here, telling me what to do
Like you used to
With your wisdom that comes from nowhere
I wish you were here, telling me that I’m okay
That the burden of the world is not mine to carry alone…
But maybe those times…
Are indeed not my sober times
Those times…
Are just the times when illusions take over all of my senses
‘Cause in my really sober times, there is only me and this plain life
And those created to carve wounds to my soul

Water for My Plant

It’s been a while since I re-read my old postings. But this morning’s air felt so heavy in my lungs, and my eyes were making their efforts to stay open (haha…). As usual I arrived quite early at my 1m square cubicle within one of the most expensive rented building in Jakarta.
Not many people around, and I needed some fuel to warm my brain and my spirit that seemed to be dozing off. So I turned on my laptop and keyed in my blog’s address in the explorer. Looking for some sparks, some baits to be caught by my hungry spirit.

And there you were. Unintentionally I caught a glimpse of that comments notification under my old posting. I know I’ve been absent for a while, but I was sure I’ve read all. Curiosity sipped in and it only took me a second to finally click it, trying to find out which old friends of mine have finally stopped by and looked around again.

To my surprise it’s not my old friends. But passers-by who crossed my path by the choice of the universe. And the comments were so generous it killed my drowsiness in an instant (I’m such a pathetic little nerd who’s so thirsty of kind attention).

There was some turbulence during the long pause between my last latest posting and the recent ones. I had to give up my previous job in the previous company where I once set my heart to. The job was new for me. Yet it was an answer to my pursuit. I thought I wanted to be there like forever. I described my relationship to the job like a newly wedded couple. But unfortunately, soon after the festive days, something happened and my marriage must end. All of a sudden it was over. Brokenhearted, I finally parted, leaving what used to be my dreams behind, entering a whole new foreign battle field where I experienced sooooo many emotional struggle. Huge ones. Extreme ones. Preposterous ones. Those I never encountered before. I learned a lot. And I mean A LOT…

So much is going on and need handling all the time. Days pass, and before I realized, I’ve abandoned and nearly forgot that little writer inside me. I thought she has been put to a long sleep in some extreme frozen temperature to be awakened like half a century later. But one day, she woke up, starving. And I began to get used to stuffs, getting used to accepting things, ready to move on.

And so I wrote again. So glad she’s still alive and not temporarily frozen for judgment day.

And your comments, just like one of my mentors said to me, were like open windows that allow me to see the world from a different and beautiful point of view. It gives breath to my soul. Warmth to my heart. And so I’d like to say, thank you for stopping by and leave some life-giving remarks which I cherish so much.

Those Curious Dotted Lines

Forgive my inability to keep my silent. Bukan maksud mau sotoy juga… cuma pengen sharing pemikiran & analisa. Mungkin tidak berdasar karena gw ngga tau harus bersandar atau merujuk ke teori organisasi yang mana. All I know is, something wrong is indeed going on in the organization where the above chart is made as temporary structure for a project. Dan lucunya, ‘sesuatu yang salah’ itu bisa kelihatan pada bagan organisasi yang dirancang ini. For your info, there have been several ‘funny charts’ like this one across the organization. So perhaps, there is indeed the same problem going on across the organization.

You see the part in the red box? Where a number of positions represented as small blue boxes have dotted reporting line to one particular position?
 I’m gonna read it this way: SB is accountable for a job, and reports to BK, but at the same time, SB must also reports to RS. At this point, one problem is encountered: when does SB report to BK and when to RS? Not to mention that it's not supposed to be about the incumbent at all. It's supposed to be solely about the jobs. What needs to be done.
The same thing applies to the rest of the blue boxes having a dotted reporting line.

Let me just jump to the point right now. So… are you smelling it already?
For me, it’s quite apparent that the root cause of this organization is actually DISTRUST.
Kenapa ada distrust?
Karena para manager ngga puas dengan kinerja subordinate nya.
Kenapa kinerja subordinatenya ngga memuaskan?
Karena mereka ngga kompeten.
Kenapa ngga kompeten tapi ada di posisi itu? Right now, I still don’t have an answer to this question. Why are we keep putting the wrong people at the wrong place? And can this be stopped?

Gallup udah punya teori tentang Right Fit. Tapi rupanya belum semua orang (Human Capital khususnya) punya ‘belief’ yang sama. Sebagian masih belum mau move on dari kepercayaan nenek moyang mereka, bahwa ‘kamu pasti bisa kalau kamu mau’.
Gw sadar bahwa berharap seseorang bisa 100% kompeten itu hanya akan membawa setiap manager ke jurang keputusasaan. Nobody is 100% competent. Sama seperti ngga ada manusia yang ngga punya dosa. As simple as that.
Jadi gimana kalo ngga 100% kompeten? Well, kita masih punya 60%, 70% dan 80%. Plus… PASSION and INTEREST!

Ngga ada orang yang selalu benar, atau ngga pernah bikin salah. Yang penting, pada saat dia bikin kesalahan, dia tau emang itu salah, dan belajar ‘yang benernya’.

Karena manusia itu kompleks, kadang ngga segampang itu untuk membuat seseorang mau belajar atau untuk membuat dia sadar kalau dia bikin salah, atau untuk melihat kompetensi dan bakat seseorang. Di situ kita butuh para ‘orang bijak’ yang punya higher understanding yang diperoleh dari: bakat alami, pengalaman hidup, pendidikan dll. Yang cukup paham caranya mengarahkan orang lain untuk belajar dan menjadi lebih kompeten. Yang cocok dan sangat direkomendasikan untuk jadi pimpinan alias leader.

JADI, at the end of the day, it’s the quality of the leaders that matter first. After that, the leaders will seek and develop the competencies, giving their best efforts to put the right person in the right place.

Yeah, well… I know. Easier said than done.
Anyway… it’s just a thought from a mere idealist dreamer who can’t stop thinking that there is such a place called paradise. (nothing to do with religion or faith).

Love You, Hate You...

Aneh, tiba2 gw hepi. Was it the coffee? I don’t think so secara kopinya masih kopi sachet yang sama yang udah indekos di laci meja kantor gw sekitar 3 or 4 minggu. Anything else that I ate? Gw cuma makan oat meal ama kue bekas sembayangan mertua gw. Most likely it’s not because of them.
Jadi apa yg bikin gw mendadak hepi? Padahal kerjaan hari ini banyak, dan mostly ngga menyenangkan. Seputar audit dan audit. Ngga doyan huaaaaaaa….
Well anyway, gw bersyukur banget hari ini energy gw full dan pikiran gw jernih. Bahkan ngga pake ngantuk bo! Bener2 luar biasa alias di luar kebiasaan.
Kata romo, semua yang positif itu asalnya dari Holy Spirit. I believe it. So, I’m grateful for the special gift in this ordinary yet extra ordinary day…
Kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, mungkin selama ini gw emang belom move on. Move on from that very spot, where He had led me to absorb several important things. About wisdom. Humility. Kindness. And temptation…
Rupanya, seperti manusia-manusia lain yang sering gw benci. Gw juga sama aja. Just a selfish egomaniac who’s trapped under the spell of arrogance and self loving. Gw ngerasa pinter, better than people around me. Gw ngerasa superior, different, dan mencari-cari sosok yang mau mengakui keistimewaan gw… Gw sakit hati ketika itu ngga terjadi. Dan gw mulai nempelin berlembar-lembar sticky notes di jidat setiap orang dalam kepala gw. Si A begini, begitu. Si B begini, begitu and so on. I was so burned with hatred and negativity. Hampir tiap minggu migraine pun bertamu ke kepala gw. Kadang mampir di kanan, kadang di kiri. Dan gw nyari aspirin ke mana-mana kaga dapet. Entah stok lagi abis atau emang udah ngga diproduksi lagi, I dunno. Ketika akhirnya muka semua orang ketutupan sticky notes gw, gw mulai mabok sendiri. Mulai disoriented, ngga tau mana lagi yang bener dan mana yang salah. My pursue of perfection turned out to be a pursue of pride.
Pagi ini waktu lagi bengong di bus trans, sambil ngeliatin ruas jalan sudirman yang senantiasa sesak sama mobil, mendadak gw dapet pencerahan. Dapet sesuatu yang positif. Again, kata romo, itu dari Holy Spirit. Pernah juga gw baca buku tentang malaikat, katanya kalo mendadak dapet ide positif, bisa jadi itu malaikat yg lagi ngebisikin kita. These creatures play mind games indeed. Hehe..
The message is this. Mau kayak apa pun orang lain itu, mau suka atau benci sama mereka, itu pilihan gw sendiri. The bible has told me not to hate. So basically gw harus mendisiplinkan pikiran dan hati gw. It’s the balancing mechanism that I need to learn and practice. If I like someone too much, remember that no such thing as perfection. Sebenernya orang itu punya sisi buruk, tapi lucunya… gw bisa menolak untuk focus ke sisi yang itu. Nah…kenapa gw ngga melakukan itu juga buat orang-orang yang gw ngga suka or gw benci? If I hate someone too much, remember that no such thing as perfection, even a perfect ugliness. Orang itu pasti punya sisi baik. Then why do I have to focus on the bad side instead of the good side?
Words of wisdom say, belajarlah dari padi, yang makin berisi makin runduk. Belajarlah dari semut, yang rajin dan ramah. Terus, kenapa ngga belajar dari manusia? Semua manusia, bagaimana pun mereka, lebih berharga dari padi dan semut. Pasti ada sesuatu yang bisa kita pelajari dari mereka sebagai manusia ciptaan Tuhan yang ‘sungguh amat baik’.
Have a blessed weekend :-)